It's no secret that Jude Terror is not a fan of DC comics. I tried to get into them sometime before Final Crisis, and I did enjoy some of it, most notably the Batman books. However, DC's obsession with reverting their characters back to their "iconic" states, as well as the concept that everything that happens in their entire universe must revolve somehow around Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman, made it impossible for me to stay interested. However, when I got my latest shipment of comics in the mail, my LCS was kind enough to provide me with just about every book that's coming out for Free Comic Book Day this Saturday, and amongst the stack is Blackest Night #0
Some people get excited about Free Comic Book Day. After all, it's a day when we can head down to our favorite place, the comic book shop, and pick up a bunch of our favorite things, comic books, for FREE! Unfortunately, I've learned over the years that you get what you pay for, and that's what happens on Free Comic Book Day. You get piles and piles of worthless shit from companies you didn't even know existed, and some garbage reprints or advertisements from DC and Marvel to convince you to buy their latest world-changing event series and its 147 tie-in books.
So, though I literally have 17 comics here that I could review before they are actually supposed to come out, which is admittedly kind of cool, I have to be honest: there's no fucking way I'm reading all these things. However, I know lots of you crazy DC fans out there are excited about Blackest Night, so I thought I'd give you a sneak peak at what you've been waiting for, from a completely unbiased perspective.
The book features a twelve page story by Geoff Johns and Ivan Reis, and the rest of the book is filler and advertisements. The story opens with a monologue by Hal Jordan, the Green Lantern, about himsef and what being the Green Lantern means to him - basically the same shit that DC characters have been going on and on about every issue for the last decade. Let me also take a second to point out that Green Lantern is a really stupid superhero name. Isn't the Green Lantern the thing that powers his ring? Why is he called the Green Lantern? That would be like me calling my computer the Surge Protector because that's what I plug it into, or calling myself the Fruity Pebbles because that's what I had for breakfast.
So Green Lantern is lurking about the cemetery, probably up to no good. Apparently, he is sad, because Batman is dead. WTF? Who really believes they're going to kill Batman? Isn't he already back?
In any case, a DC comic can't go three pages without featuring Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman, so there they are on page three, in what I guess is a flashback because the Characters are dressed exactly like they were when I was a kid (though they may be back to dressing this way to restore their iconic status), with Batman threatening the Green Lantern for giving away his position or some shit. Undoubtedly, this is an iconic scene that you will all remember for how iconic it is.
Next panel, we're back in modern times, I guess, as Superman is gently cradling a smoldering Batman, who seems to have been blasted with some kind of pink energy beam. I'll be damned. That wasn't a flashback. They still wear the exact same costumes they wore twenty years ago. Finally, we go back to Hal Jordan, looking somber.
The Flash is here! He's all crackling and glowing with yellow lightning or something, while Green Lantern glows next to him. The cemetery is lit up like it's fucking Christmas. Is this Flash Wally West or is it Barry Allen? Do I care? No.
Flash wants to go fight some crime in Gotham, because now that Batman is dead, the world has gone to shit, because the whole universe revolved around Batman and it takes every other superhero put together to cover for him. Green Lantern would rather sulk in the cemetery. Batman's grave is unmarked. Flash and Green Lantern discuss Tim Drake, and how cute they think he is.
Green Lantern complains to Flash about how cool Flash's funeral was, as compared to Green Lantern's, because when Green Lantern died he was a major bad guy. Thank heavens DC reboots its universe every three months so he can be a good guy again. The last panel on page six offers an excellent view of both heroes' bulging crotches.
Green Lantern continues with his sob story to the Flash, talking about how dark the world got after he died. I'm not sure if this refers to the continuity where Flash died on Crisis on Infinite Earths, or if it refers to one of the 57 alternate continuities DC shoehorned into existence with their bi-monthly universe reboots.
Holy shit! Aquaman is dead? That's what Green Lantern says. Poor Aquaman, I thought for sure that hook hand and beard were going to usher in a new era of greatness for the character.
Flash tries to console Green Lantern by talking about all the times the heroes die and come back to life in DC, but Green Lantern is sad because his mommy and daddy are dead. They talk about Batman some more, and how he always had a plan.
If this flashback panel is to be believed, Green Lantern shouted about how Batman shouldn't worry about anything right before he died because "We're the Justice League-- we're untouchable!" Yeah, that's a jinx right there motherfucker, because there's no way any character in any story ever says some shit like that without a major, shocking death occurring immediately afterward.
Ah, apparently Batman was killed by Darkseid. Isn't that kind of shitty? He's not even a Batman villain. Good thing they brought him back to life the next month.
Now we see the Martian Manhunter dying too. According to Green Lantern, he was the heart and soul of the Justice League. I guess he wasn't that important, since DC decided to bring everyone else who died back to life but him. I can't say I disagree with them, as he was a stupid character, and in typical DC tradition, his name is awful and cumbersome.
Back to the cemetery. Green Lantern spent many a late night with Batman. "Talking." Flash and Green Lantern go sparkling off into the night, and we find out that a bad guy was lurking in the shadows. We know this because his speech bubbles are black with wavy lines around them.
He looks like some kind of zombie, and he starts reciting some poetry about black nights and dark skies while digging up Batman's corpse, presumably so he can have sex with it. He's wearing a black ring with the upside down triangle, symbol of gay pride.Good for him.
In between the necrophilia panels we see flashes of other iconic DC characters who I suppose are dead. Sue Dibny's tombstone. Hawkman/woman/girl/boy. Ronnie Raymond. Wait a minute. Who the fuck is Ronnie Raymond? This is what happens when your company focuses on only three characters for twenty years.
Finally, the bad guy gets Batman's skull, which is apparently feeding green energy into his gay pride ring. Holy shit! It's Black Bolt! Black Bolt has defected to the DC Universe! Black Bolt has defected to DC!
In the final panel, we see a blue headed guy with a veiny face smiling at us. The end. Okay.
Now it's time for a page of Geoff Johns bragging about how great his story is going to be. Then it's time for some filler, I mean pinups! Awesome!
Ok, first we have a pinup of the Green Lantern Corps. These guys are silly looking. Next we have the Red Lantern Corps. Who the fuck are these guys? Next we have Agent Orange, who I guess is just one guy? Did someone leave a douche open? It's getting kind of chilly in here.
Next we have the Sinestro Corps, who I guess represent yellow. Then the Blue Lantern Corps. Ok. Colored Lantern Corps jumped the shark about five minutes ago. Who comes up with this stuff?
Holy fuck - we're not done. Indigo Tribe. Star Sapphires. Ok, they're just making these up as they go along. There is no way there was a Star Sapphhires until last month.
Finally, we have Black Lantern Corps, with Black Bolt at the helm, and a bunch of what I guess are dead DC superheroes wearing gay pride rings sticking their hands out of the graveyard. Wow, they buried these guys pretty close together. That's unsanitary.
Mercifully, that's all. We get a checklist of all the comics that will be in Part One of Blackest Night, so we can all go out and add 50 bucks a month to our pull lists. I'll read about it on Wikipedia.
So, there you have it, now you don't have to wait until Saturday to read this piece of trash. I have to admit, I had fun, and there are a few more "gems" here that I might review before Saturday, like Savage Dragon. Probably not though. Because I'm lazy.