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[BLEEP] YOU, MASCOT: Goldie Gopher

[BLEEP] YOU, MASCOT: Goldie Gopher

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 25, 2009

Hey there, Goldie Gopher! Why the happy face and smug "thumbs up"? Didn't somebody at the University of Minnesota tell you your team sucks? The Golden Gophers are 4-4, with two straight losses. In fact, this little micro-losing streak since you decided to pull this little stunt:I'll say it again: The Golden Gophers are 0-2 after this little stunt. Coincidence? There's more synchronicity here than you can find at the bottom of a dark Scottish lake if that's the case.Look Goldie, you just messed up. Minnesota's official spokesman even said so. You should be so lucky that Jerome Hayes wasn't praying toward Mecca or performing some other non-Christian religious act. The leftists in the humanities department would be parading your big gopher costume head the around the humanities building on a pike (or maybe just a broomstick. Pikes are too violent for leftists). And that sorry human inside you would've been expelled.

Who's to blame for the ALCS rainout? The Yankees

Who's to blame for the ALCS rainout? The Yankees

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 25, 2009

After yesterday's rain-out of of Game 6 of the ALCS in New York you can expect to hear a lot of complaining about how messed up baseball is. It's going to be the usual complaint you hear this time of year. The season's too long, it stretches into cold weather months, etc. Just a lot of tired old shots at Bud Selig that aren't going to be seriously dealt with anytime soon.Do you know who's really to blame for the rain-out. The Yankees. Why, you ask? Because they spent a billion or so and forgot to put a retractable roof on the dang thing.The Yanks knew going into this construction that the team would be playing in at least one month of the year where weather would be an issue (April), and in good years they would see play in either one or two more months in the post-season (October and November). Add in the uncontrollable rain-out during the spring and summer, and you can imagine where a roof or a retractable roof would be useful.Add to that the one subject you can guarantee will come up when the Yankees are mentioned: money. I don't know how much it costs the Yanks for each rain-out, but I guess it's a lot. If not from the games themselves then from revenue lost from the broadcasts on YES that have to be scrubbed. And I'm sure ESPN and FOX can't be too happy with the loss of income from bad weather either. Do you really think Rupert Murdoch really wanted to show a Yankee game tonight? He'd probably make more money showing Simpsons and Family Guy reruns tonight. (There's a reason why FOX passed on renewing the BCS contract. It was probably a money loser.)Besides, no roof means that the Yanks will be losing potential money from non-use in the off-season. Yeah, there's the Yankee Bowl. But guess what Bowl probably won't be in Yankee Stadium? Yep, The Super Bowl. (It won't be going into the new Meadowlands Stadium either. Nice job there too, Jets and Giants). Don't give me the "Super Bowls in cold weather cities suck" crap, either. There is a difference between NYC in the winter and Detroit in the winter. There just is. Deal with it.As much as Jerry Jones is slammed for the excesses of The Heathen Temple to Jones' Avarice Cowboys Stadium, he's still going to make money from indoor events during the off-season. The NBA All-Star Game will be coming to Cowboys Stadium in 2010. The NCAA Final Four will be coming to Cowboys Stadium in 2014. Expect a few more Final Fours in the years afterwards. And oh yeah, Super Bowl XLV will be coming to Jerryworld in 2011. Yankee Stadium will just be standing fallow waiting for baseball season (Yankee Bowl and the occasional NHL outdoor game notwithstanding). Winner: Jerrah.

Medicine Man at Talladega seeks to foil curse

Medicine Man at Talladega seeks to foil curse

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 25, 2009

I'd probably find this next story more absurd if it weren't for the fact my fave M*A*S*H* episode may well be the one where with the Buddhist priestess running around exorcising the bad spirits from the 4077. But that's neither here nor there.Anyhow, officials from Talladega Superspeedway invited Robert Thrower, a Creek medicine man, to remove a curse which according to local legend was placed on the land at the time of the Trail of Tears. (He is also reported as being a Baptist minister along with being a medicine man. Yeah, I'm going to have to check if that's even possible).The curse in question is blamed for any and all sorts of calamity that has happened at Talladega over the years. Doug Demmons (insert irony here) of The Birmingham News chimed in to add this little nugget:Maybe restoring balance to Talladega Superspeedway will also restore a sense of balance to a certain famous driver who has experienced great success there but who has lately been feeling frustrated and out of control.Gee, I wonder who he could be talking about?...Seriously, I could name any and all sorts of curses that need to be removed from NASCAR:1)The Car of Tomorrow (I worry about exactly which "Tomorrow" this car comes from. Sadly I fear its from the time when Nicolae Carpathia walks the Earth, and Dippin' Dots are the only desserts allowed.)2)Jimmy Johnson's string of Chase for the Cup victories.3)The Chase for the Cup, period.4)Caution flags every time I blink.5)The Gopher Cam (at least the "gopher" part)6)Jeremy Mayfield's personal issues.7)Tony Stewart's Burger King commercials. (via Deadspin and Blog of Tommorow)

Just when you thought it was safe to go out this Halloween...

Just when you thought it was safe to go out this Halloween...

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 24, 2009

Just when you thought it was safe to go out this Halloween...Run for your lives!It's....BLACK LANTERN TED WILLIAMS!!!!Don't be fooled by his headlessness. It's merely a flesh wound. It's a known fact that a zombie with Marine training retains his combat skills even while decapitated. Besides, if you think a severed head can't cause too much trouble, then you have obviously have never Re-Animator. (And no, I don't want to explain that one to you. And trust me, what you don't know about Re-Animator won't hurt you.)(via Deadspin and about every other sports-themed website by now. It took me this long to come up with something funny to say about it, dangit! )

Saturday afternoon fail:

Saturday afternoon fail: "Hey Tim" with...guess who!

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 24, 2009

Get ready for the most bogus video on the internet yet A day in the life of a certain University of Florida student named Tim. Prepared to be blown away by the lameness.:Somewhere, the masterminds behind the "Eric Berry for Heisman" videos are laughing at the sheer lameness for this.Seriously, the fact that this "Tim" is involved with multiple science classes ought to tell you something's amiss. (Tebow's one of them "intelligent design" fellas). Besides it's pretty much public knowledge that Tebow only had one class at Florida...the ever taxing "senior seminar". Besides, ain't it peculiar that not a single Florida student is wearing jean shorts? What are the odds of that?This one fails on so many levels. Especially when you consider this little gem made a few years ago with a then handsome young quarterback from Boston College:Gee, I wonder what happened to him? Also I wonder if a video produced by a Catholic school using "I'm Shipping Up to Boston" in it means they'll be playing the Dropkick Murphys in Heaven? Probably not. More of Tebow's kind of music probably. I just hope they Skillet up there.(via The Sporting Blog)

Carl Edwards flips over Duck Mobile

Carl Edwards flips over Duck Mobile

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 24, 2009

NASCAR racer Carl Edwards went on one of those Duck Tours in Miami where tourists ride in an amphibious vehicle from the street into the water as part of promoting the final Sprint Cup race of the season at Homestead Miami Speedway . A quite natural thing for a stock car racer to do, correct? (Especially if one of your sponsors is Aflac.)Well Edwards is also famous for his back flips off the hood of his car after every victory. So guess what happened?I guess that's the reason Tony Stewart wasn't in the ESPN The Magazine's "Bodies Issue". Nice dork duck hat there at the end. I'd like to see Dale Jr. try to pull that look off. The Aflac Duck must be so proud of him right now.. Jack Roush probably had a heart attack after seeing that one. I get the feeling there's going to be some extra clauses added to Edwards' contract coming out of this one.(via From the Marbles)

Move the Jaguars to London? Hey, wait a minute...

Move the Jaguars to London? Hey, wait a minute...

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 24, 2009

David Whitley, writing for Fanhouse, has an interesting suggestion on what to do with the lowly Jacksonville Jaguars...move them to London, where the Patriots and the Buccaneers are playing this weekend.Gee, what an interesting unique concept. Why didn't somebody think of that sooner? Oh wait someone did.Michael Tunison's article is a little more forward-looking, reporting the the NFL's desire to add more games in London to the schedule, and the possibility of adding an actual franchise there. Well, they need to put the Jaguars somewhere.Great minds think alike, I guess.

The agony and the irony: Sean Salisbury sues Deadspin

The agony and the irony: Sean Salisbury sues Deadspin

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 24, 2009

The timing couldn't be better. A couple of days after Deadspin went ape-nuts with stories on ESPN employees' private lives comes word that a former ESPN employee whose history with the site has sued the site for defamation. Yep, Sean Salisbury has sued Gawker Media (Deadspin's parent company) defamation a month or so after Deadspin published a series of e-mail responses between himself and a staff member of the site. There's a John Lennon song about this somewhere, but I can't think of it at the moment. Oh wait...

The NBA's Heart-Shaped Pool of Pain.

The NBA's Heart-Shaped Pool of Pain.

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 24, 2009

Break out the Joy Division. Empty the Bench has come out with it's list of "The NBA's Most Depressing Players of 2009." Leading this year's parade of sadness is Allen Iverson, whose sad slide to the Memphis Grizzlies should be a lesson in morality for players whose careers are slowly eroding. Adam Morrison and Quentin Richardson wrap up the top three on the list.Personally, I think Blake Griffin should've made the list. He goes first in the NBA Draft...to The L.A. Clippers. There's got to be a Depeche Mode song about this somewhere.( Like maybe this one?) Or maybe Charlotte Bobcats forward Vladimir Radmanovic, who the Lakers traded to get Adam Morrison? Yeah, that one got to hurt. I'll bet he's looking forward for that inevitable meeting with Morrison where Adam shows off his hard(ly)-earned NBA Championship ring.Yes, the NBA's heart-shaped pool of pain is deep as it is wide. Full of players drowning in sadness that is part misfortune, or even part self-infliction. And despite the millions they earn, they soon find that money can't sooth the pain. The best thing to do? "Just dance to Joy Division, and celebrate the irony."(via Empty the Bench)

Friday Night Freudian Nightmare: Vols fan vs. Bama Fans

Friday Night Freudian Nightmare: Vols fan vs. Bama Fans

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 23, 2009

It starts out as a jab at Alabama fans (notably Mr. J.T. Bowtie). It ends goes on to a guy wearing a silly costume with a stupid looking mask that makes him look like a catfish. (Insert Jonathan Crompton joke here). What follows features a sequence way too similar to Buffalo Bill's dancing around in his woman-skin suit in Silence of the Lambs. And it ends with some comments about people who take football rivalries way too seriously. It's probably a gonna be a little too saucy for some of you, but I decided to go ahead and embed it since he made some good points. (The Buffalo Bill dance, however, you'll have to find on your own)

Drew Magary leads the internet in slamming NFL memes

Drew Magary leads the internet in slamming NFL memes

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 23, 2009

There seems to be a meme for NFL analysts to declare that various NFL quarterbacks lead the lead the league in something other than actual statistical categories. Such as Peter King claiming that "Matt Schaub leads the NFL in normalcy." Well, Drew Magary at Deadspin decided it would be fun to give all the qb's categories to be the leaders in.Sadly, the list wasn't as mean-spirted as it could be. Though Magary does take a shot at Phillip rivers that sounds more like Kissing Suzie Kolber territory. (Deadspin, by the way, leads the internet in covering ESPN's sexual hijinks, but I really don't want to go there. But if you must... Just don't say I didn't warn you.)Though honestly, I think Magary gets it wrong in some areas. Eli Manning as the NFL leader in Innocence? Oh yeah? Then explain THIS!:Archie and Olivia raised up a little hellion, that's what they did. Eli's gonna wind up on an episode of Juvies one day. (Well, if Juvies was still in production, he would. And if Eli wasn't over 18. And...oh, nevermind!)And they get big brother Peyton wrong too. The NFL leader in Passion? Well, I guess that Magary didn't want to go with the obvious...Peyton Manning: NFL Leader in Commercials.These categories are pretty much bogus anyhow. It's trying to give some qb's something to positive to hang their hats besides being known as the NFL leader in Waiting 'Till Next Year. or worse, the NFL Leader in waiting to be replaced by Colt McCoy.

Pats-Bucs play in London. Does anybody care?

Pats-Bucs play in London. Does anybody care?

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 23, 2009

The Sporting Blog has a couple of articles on the this Sunday's match-up between The New England Patriots and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers over in London. According to one article, the game hasn't really hasn't developed any buzz here or Across the Pond.Dan Levy comments on the lack of coverage of the game in London. He claimed he could only find mention in a blog involving odds making after looking at a meager couple of sites. Well, he obviously missed this one from the BBC yesterday. Though it's more on the NFL's strategy for adding more games in London in the future. And this one from The Scotsman. And this article here on events surrounding the game for fans. And the British tabloid The Sun has an article featuring pics of...well you can guess what a British tabloid would focus on, can't you now?But generally, this game just doesn't have a lot going for it. The Bucs are 0-6 and that's probably not going to get any better Sunday.Michael Tunison's article is a little more forward-looking, reporting the the NFL's desire to add more games in London to the schedule, and the possibility of adding an actual franchise there. Well, they need to put the Jaguars somewhere.This game is pretty much off the radar for Americans. It won't even be seen in a good chunk of American homes. It's going to part of CBS's package of games this weekend, but large parts of the country will be watching regional coverage. And the ones that will are probably be watching Big Ben Roethlisberger and the Steelers vs. Brett the Cute Purple Dinosaur and the Vikings over on FOX. That game is pretty going to be getting almost total coverage across the country.

FOX hires Ozzie Guillen. Oh snap!

FOX hires Ozzie Guillen. Oh snap!

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 22, 2009

SI.com reports FOX Sports has hired Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen for it's World Series coverage. Sadly, it's only for the pregame and post-game shows apparently. Which is sad, because Guillen on play-by-play would even make a Royals vs. Nationals World Series worth watching. And besides, he's give Joe Buck Artie Lang flashbacks. FOX might have to go from a seven second delay to a twenty second delay for this one as it is..(via Big League Stew)

Microsoft +Burger King+Japan=Mutant  Whopper

Microsoft +Burger King+Japan=Mutant Whopper

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 22, 2009

Microsoft and Burger King are joining forces to produce an unique Whopper to celebrate the launch Windows 7 in Japan. Behold...the Windows 7 Whopper! Not one, not two, but seven beef patties stacked upon one another!I'd like to see Tony Stewart try to finish that one off.(via engadget )

Minnesota is sorry for Goldie Gopher. Goldie Gopher is even sorrier

Minnesota is sorry for Goldie Gopher. Goldie Gopher is even sorrier

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 22, 2009

Remember Goldy Gopher, the Minnesota Golden Gophers mascot who thought it was funny to mock Penn State DE Jerome Hayes when he was praying? Well if you don't, let me help you.:Well now the University of Minnesota is apologizing about the act. Their spokesman Dan Wolter said it was "plainly a mistake." Well duh. No word on any punishment for whatever genius was wearing the gopher costume. But if it was a non-Christian guy whose prayers he was mocking he would probably be expelled by now.(via Rivals.com)

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