Friday, January 30, 2015 • Afternoon Edition • "*the sound you hear when PAC-MAN dies*"
[BLEEP] YOU, MASCOT: Bevo XIV

[BLEEP] YOU, MASCOT: Bevo XIV

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 30, 2009

Now here's a first, an actual animal mascot. Not some student who somehow managed to turn cosplaying into a gig with a scholarship. Not Bevo XIV. He the real deal, if not much of one.Seriously, you call yourself a bull there, Bevo? I have to admit, that's a nice pair of horns you've got there. But it's on such a scrawny body you have to think your overcompensating for something.To be honest, your not much a bull compared to those bulls in the (PBR)Professional Bullriders Association. Now those are some vicious beasts there, partner. Bevo wouldn't last a day in PBR. Rank bulls like Bones and Voodo Child would just snicker at you. And the cowboys would probably ride you all day. Face it, those bulls have it over you six ways to Sunday.I really expect more out of Texas than this. I expect to see a big scary bull, not this scrawny thing.(with apoligies to Matthew Gasteier)

Pop Quiz: The Georgia-Florida game

Pop Quiz: The Georgia-Florida game

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 29, 2009

Just a quick pop quiz before That Adult Beverage Tasting Event Impersonating a Football Game between the Florida Gators and That Team From Athens Impersonating a Football Team:1)After the game on Saturday Georgia will resemble:a)Hannibal Lecter's prison cell after his escape in Silence of the Lambs.b)Alderan after the Death Star attacked it in Star Wars.c)Apollo Creed after his fight with Ivan Drago in Rocky IV.2)After losing to Florida, Georgia fans will be calling for UGA defense coordinator Willie Martinez'sa)Jobb)Headc)Bloodd)Rear Ende)Wait, they're not doing that already?3)Urban Meyer and Tim Tebow's relationship most closely resembles:a)Mr. Miyagi and Daniel LaRoussob)Obi Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalkerb)Batman and Robin (Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson)c)Batman and Robin (Bruce Wayne and Jason Todd)d)Batman and Robin (Bruce Wayne and Tim Drake)e)Batman and Robin (Dick Grayson and Damien Wayne) (Why does DC Comics have to pull this crap all the time?)f)we're not even going to go there, but...4)Joe Cox's nickname given to him by EDSBS isa)"The Ginger Ninja"b)"The Ginger Shogun"c)"The Ginger Geisha"5) Which song best describes the feeling the Jacksonville Jaguars get when watching the crowds at the "World's Largest Outdoor [CENSORED BY DR. MICHAEL ADAMS] Party" is"a)"Jealous", by Gene Loves Jezebelb)"Why Can't I Be You", by The Curec)"California Here I Come"d)"London Calling", by The Clash

Minor league hockey team looks

Minor league hockey team looks "Bad" honoring Michael Jackson

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 29, 2009

You could probably do an entire blog on the incredible lameness diversity of what can be done with a hockey jersey. Oh wait, there already is one...Icethetics. With everything you ever wanted to know about hockey jerseys, but didn't give a dern were afraid to ask.Well, according to them the Bakersfield Condors will be be holding a "King of Pop Night" on October 30th complete with Michael Jackson themed Jerseys. Here's a look at the jersey whether you like it or not:And yes, the players will be all be wearing one white glove.Oh wait, it gets even better. If you're name is either Michael Jackson or Billie Jean, you get in free. What, not love for the Bens or Dirty Dianas of the world?No word yet if the Condors plan to hold a Roman Polanski night, though. Hey, if you're honoring Jacko you might as well.(via Deadspin, Icethetics )

Real World/Road Rules: Okay, maybe this was better than a Bully Beatdown

Real World/Road Rules: Okay, maybe this was better than a Bully Beatdown

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 29, 2009

No sooner than I suggest Real Road/Road Rules: The Ruins competitor Wes Bergmann go on Bully Beatdown then he gets eliminated from the show. By a wuss named Cohutta Grindstaff of all things. (And no, he's not a Hobbit.) Trust me, this guy is a bigger wuss than the entire Georgia defensive line. The agony and the irony are killing me here.

Just when you think Farveageddon couldn't get any worse, it gets even worse

Just when you think Farveageddon couldn't get any worse, it gets even worse

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 29, 2009

You would think the insanity of Brett Favre returning to Lambeau Field as a Viking couldn't get any worse. Well, thanks to FOX (guess who!) it was. Ryan Wilson over at Fanhouse reports that both FOXSports.com and NFL.com will be featuring a "Farve-cam" that will be monitoring the Cute Purple Dinosaur during the Vikings-Packers game. (Insert John Madden/Peter King/Colin Cowherd joke here.) Expect screen-catches of Favre picking his nose or scratching himself in all the wrong places on Deadspin as soon as they happen.(via Fanhouse)

The UFL thinks its Daniel Snyder

The UFL thinks its Daniel Snyder

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 29, 2009

Apparently the UFL went to the Daniel Snyder School of Fan Relations. Deadspin tells of an account by a fan who sent the fledgling football League an e-mail and got a response back basically telling him they weren't even going to read it, and it would be deleted. Now that's a way to show your few fans how much care about their support. With reactions like this, the UFL will be joining all the other wannabe football leagues in the professional sports league graveyard.

This is (allegegly) one of the signs Daniel Snyder doesn't like

This is (allegegly) one of the signs Daniel Snyder doesn't like

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 28, 2009

If Daniel Snyder has a problem with a sign like this, then I hope the Redskins never win a Super Bowl while he owns the team. He seriously owes an apology to the Men and Women in our Armed services and their families over this one. He also needs to get his cranium out of his rectum. (Pardon my French)(via Deadspin)

Kyle Busch tops for NASCAR trick-or-Treaters

Kyle Busch tops for NASCAR trick-or-Treaters

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 28, 2009

Apparently Kyle Busch is more popular than anyone thought. From the Marbles reports that Busch leads other NASCAR racers in Halloween costume sales. It seems a little strange, until you remember that Busch drives the number 18 car sponsored by M&M's. See the connection? It makes a lot more sense kids would want to wear a faux fire-suit with M&M's on it than say Office Depot or Lowe's.(via From the Marbles)

Time for a Real World/Road Rules Bully Beatdown

Time for a Real World/Road Rules Bully Beatdown

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 28, 2009

Real World/Road Rules: The Ruins is really starting to hit its stride. For those not in the know, this is the MTV show where alumni of the various Real World and (now defunct) Road Rules seasons get together to compete for cash and squeeze every last minute of their fifteen minutes of fame.There are usually one or two people on each season who stir up trouble to either ahead in the game or because of complex interpersonal issues that develop season after season. They pretty much bully around other, a occasionally a punch or two are thrown. I think its time these guys show up on another MTV show: Bully Beatdown. In this one worthless schmucks get to send a bully that's making their lives a living you-know-what get to send said bully up against a professional MMA fighter. Seems like a perfect place to give some of these Real World/Road Rulers an attitude adjustment.The most egregious RW/RRers to throw in the cage:CT TamburelloWay too obvious of a choice, but he may be the most notorious of the RW/RR bullies. He's been kicked off twice for punching other cast members. Besides that, he has more issues than a Barnes and Noble magazine rack.Wes BergmannThe other obvious choice. Wes came on The Ruins with romance issues (he was engaged to Johanna Botta, but she kinda cheated on him on The Island). He was also complaining a lot at the start about fairness (see below) for picking who got sent into The Ruins elimination challenge, but that was more for reasons more selfish than altruistic. Wes only thinks about himself. He's also very combustible. He also gets in a lot of shouting matches with other people.Evan StarkmanI like Evan, but he is an absolute schemer. He's been trying to get Wes off his team since the competition. On top of that he's a Grade-A button pusher. His little stunt with putting a plunger in Katie's bed is slowly becoming an internet meme. I hate to do it, but Evan could use a few rounds with an MMA fighter due to that one.

[BLEEP] YOU MASCOT: Penn State Nittany Lion

[BLEEP] YOU MASCOT: Penn State Nittany Lion

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 28, 2009

Hey there, Nittany Lion. Do you even have a name? Colleges usually give their costumed mascots cute little names like Buzz, or Goldie, or Hairy. But you, you're just The Nittany Lion or "The Lion" apparently. Penn State doesn't give you much love do they?They sure haven't done much for your complexion there, buddy. You look old and ratty there. That costume looks straight out of 1966, but then with Joe Paterno as coach that's not surprising. He's not really one for keeping up with the times, you know. Boring uniforms with boring white helmets. A mascot who looks like an old, cheaply made teddy bear from the county fair seems appropriate.And the Doctor Who scarf? Sorry, that's not doing anything to hide the truth. Buddy, you need a makeover. That suit there looks like it came straight from a second rate costume shop. I've seen better looking homemade costumes at sci-fi conventions, for cryin' out loud!Seriously, you need an upgrade there. I'm afraid that's going to have to wait until after JoePa hangs his clipboard up though. Modern day mascots need to look sleek and athletic. You, Nittany Lion? You look kinda whimpy.(with apologies to Matthew Gasteier)

Gophergate continues to curse Minnesota?

Gophergate continues to curse Minnesota?

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 27, 2009

Things are starting to go downhill real fast at Minnesota since their mascot, Goldie Gopher decided to poke fun at praying Penn State DE Jerome Hayes. The team's been 0-2 since the Oct. 17 game versus Penn State. Now word comes that wide receiver Eric Decker's out for the remainder of the regular season due to a foot injury. If I were Minnesota I'd start looking for a new cosplayer to put in that gopher suit. That or call in that Creek medicine man/Baptist preacher who was sent in to de-curse Talladega. (I talked to one of the staff at Church about that one. He doubted the compatibility of holding both roles too)(via EDSBS and Twincities.com )

Jay Cutler's like would suck without Kelly Clarkson

Jay Cutler's like would suck without Kelly Clarkson

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 27, 2009

Here's another reason Bears' fans should be proud of Jay Cutler. He was spotted at a local radio station promotion where the original American Idol Kelly Clarkson performed a five song acoustic set. There's a Vanderbilt joke around here somewhere, but I can't seem to find it. Cutler at a Kelly Clarkson concert does seem to punch a few holes in Kissing Suzie Kolber's well crafted image of the Chicago qb as a sulking, emo-boy. Then again, maybe it doesn't.As for Cutler's ex-team, the 6-0 Denver Broncos? I get the feeling this is the Kelly Clarkson song they're singing these days regarding the whole breakup with Cutler.(via The Big Lead)

RAW is NASCAR

RAW is NASCAR

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 27, 2009

Celebrity guest general managers on RAW have to be the lamest idea the Vince McMahon ever came up with. With the possible exception of the Gobbledy Gooker. And the Katie Vick mess. And the proposed WWE cable network. And...Anyhow, last night's RAW featured NASCAR racers Kyle Busch and Joey Logano as the guest general managers of the night. There's only one reason for this: they're the only racers/race WWE could get to promote the new Smackdown Vs. RAW video game. Okay, maybe it makes sense for Logano to promote it because Game Stop is one of his sponsors. But really, WWE could've done a little better. Why not try to get Jeff Gordon or Carl Edwards to host RAW? Or mabye Tony Stewart?Maybe Vince should have been more willing to spend a little more to nap a bigger NASCAR driver's hood.(via From the Marbles)

Jay Mariotti proves my point

Jay Mariotti proves my point

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 27, 2009

I told you this would happen. Just a couple of days after posting this little rant Jay Mariotti goes and does what I say would happen. His own long-winded rant about a late October/early November World Series and what's wrong with the MLB.Least.Shocking.Tirade.Ever.But it's like I said. The Yankees knew they're going to play in months with cooler temperatures and bad weather. And they still didn't compensate by putting a retractable roof on their new billion dollar temple to their own avarice stadium. Maybe its MLB's fault that retractable roofs on new stadiums aren't a requirement. It would certainly help cut down on rain-outs and snow-outs. But owners should be smart enough to figure it out on their own.(via Fanhouse)

Are the Boston Celtics xenophobic?

Are the Boston Celtics xenophobic?

By Juan Cena in SWRT on October 27, 2009

Interbasket.Net has come out with a list of the Most Xenophobic NBA Teams. And by "Xenophobic" they mean teams that are lacking significant numbers of international players. At the top of the list are the Boston Celtics, which shouldn't shock anyone who remembers the Celtics of Bird, Ainge, and McHale. The Knicks, Pacers, Heat and Wizards round out the list.That there are teams with little or no international players shouldn't be a shock. In reality international players are in many ways like players who jumped from high school to the NBA. Sure there's LeBron James and Kobe Bryant and some other notables. But there have been quite a number of players who probably could've used a little more time in the oven and played a year or two in college (Kwame Brown, anyone?). It's the same with international players. A few international players like Pau Gasol and Tony Parker have been successful and helped their teams win championships. But then there are international stars like Yao Ming or Dirk Nowitzki who made names for themselves, but still don't have a championship ring to show for it.It may be good to have international players on an NBA team, but it doesn't guarantee success.(via Ball Don't Lie)

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