Thursday, November 27, 2014 • Afternoon Edition • "Bring your own straight jacket."
Random Triangle Time Machine: In 1986, the Kansas City Royals still mattered.

Random Triangle Time Machine: In 1986, the Kansas City Royals still mattered.

By Juan Cena in SWRT on April 3, 2010

Via the crew over at Walkoff Walk, here's a Sports Illustrated commercial featuring Kansas City Royal's relief pitcher Dan Quisenberry from 1986. Which was back in the day when both the Kansas City Royals an Sports Illustrated still mattered.With Hot Tub Time Machine the rage, you could imagine what athletes might do with a time machine. Think about it, with a Hot Tub Time Machine, Dale Earnhardt Jr. , for example, could go back tell himself that trying an American LeMans Series race might not be a good idea. (One of these days I'm going to write on my theory on how Jr's racing problems are all psychologically related back to that race. Just not today). Bill Buckner could go back to 1986 to tell himself to keep his legs together. Mark Chmura could go back and tell himself to stay out of hot tubs with high school girls. Imagine the possibilities.(via Walkoff Walk)

Tim Lincecum bobbleheads now without human hair

Tim Lincecum bobbleheads now without human hair

By Juan Cena in SWRT on April 3, 2010

Remember the story Thursday that The San Francisco Giants were going to give out Tim Lincecum bobbleheads, and that six of them would have real human hair? Well guess what? Seems that Big League Stew got the story wrong.The bobblehead dolls will have synthetic hair, not anything remotely resembling human hair. And apparently all the dolls will have hair, not merely six of them. Six is actually the number of bobblehead giveaways the Giants will have this season.Big League Stew is reporting this as an error on their part, and not any sort of April Fools Joke. I'm not sure whether to be relieved, disappointed, or embarrassed (since I blogged on it that the story was wrong.(via Big League Stew)

[BLEEP] YOU, MASCOT! Sympathy for the Duke Blue Devil

[BLEEP] YOU, MASCOT! Sympathy for the Duke Blue Devil

By Juan Cena in SWRT on April 2, 2010

Please allow me to introduce myselfI'm a mascot of wealth and tasteI've been around for since 1923Stole many a March Madness dreams awayAnd I was 'round when KentuckyHad their moment of doubt and painMade dang sure that LaettnerMade his shot and sealed their fatePleased to meet youHope you guess my nameBut what's puzzling youIs the nature of my game(apologies as usual to Matthew Gasteier. Along with The Rolling Stones.)

From the New York Auto to Your Freudian Nightmares: The VW Bunny

From the New York Auto to Your Freudian Nightmares: The VW Bunny

By Juan Cena in SWRT on April 2, 2010

Ever have a Freudian nightmare? You know, where your having a dream where your being chased through the woods by Sigmund Freud. Only instead of a left hand he has a hook? Or something like that? Well Jalopnik provides this picture of a tricked out VW Beetle from the New York Auto Show that is guaranteed to end with you waking up in a cold sweat.Punch...bunny?And if you think that's bad, Jalopnik readers have submitted their own disturbing Easter Bunny related images, each more frightening than the other. You'll never look at a chocolate bunny the same way again.(via Jalopnik)

CBS hates America, shuts Gus Johnson Soundboard down.

CBS hates America, shuts Gus Johnson Soundboard down.

By Juan Cena in SWRT on April 2, 2010

Why does CBS hate America? Hasn't this nation done enough for the Tiffany Network, watching CSI and it's heathen offspring? And what does CBS do in return? It spits in America's face, that's what.CBS has sent the creator of the Gus Johnson Soundboard a cease and desist letter, forcing him to shut down his site. How evil can you get? Well, they did unleash Undercover Boss on America, so that may explain things. This has something to do with the minutia of copyright law or some trivial thing like that.In the meanwhile, the SWRT-generated "Facebook Users for Gus Johnson calling SEC Games" group is still around. Join the fun and help the breakout star of March Madness 2010 reach even greater heights, and show CBS that they don't know what they've got.(via Deadspin)

Ricky Stanzi vs. Joe Paterno with the fate of the Free World at stake (or something like that)

Ricky Stanzi vs. Joe Paterno with the fate of the Free World at stake (or something like that)

By Juan Cena in SWRT on April 2, 2010

Black Heart Gold Pants' "Marchinfornication" tournament has almost reached its absurd conclusion. It's the "Real" Captain America" Ricky Stanzi vs. "The embodiment of all that's evil" Joe Paterno (Apparently nobody in Iowa has ever heard of Steve Spurrier. JoePa may be a communist, but everybody knows Spurrier wears that visor to hide his horns).Stanzi's got his hands full because JoePa has back up. In the sinister guise of Edward Khil (aka Trolololol guy), Trololcat, and...the Alaska Nanooks Polar Bear? I'm calling BS on that last one. There's no way the REAL Alaska Nanooks Polar Bear would EVER betray his country like JoePa has. This has to be a Skrull or something.Stanzi's got his hands full, but with the fate of America and the Free World at state nothing will stop him. Read Part One here, Part Two here, Part Three here, and Part Four here. Then do your part to save America and send JoePa back to that communist that is Happy Valley. It's a conflict of good vs. evil more interesting than anything either Grant Morrison or Geoff Johns has come up with lately.(via Black Hearts Gold Pants)

Unfunny April Fools Jokes: Jerry Jones raises the Titanic

Unfunny April Fools Jokes: Jerry Jones raises the Titanic

By Juan Cena in SWRT on April 1, 2010

Then there was the one where Jerry Jones planned to raise a chunk of the Titanic to display in The Heathen Temple to His Own Avarice Cowboys Stadium.Seriously, Does anybody think raising the Titanic is good enough for Jerry Jones? Heck no! Jerrah's ego demands things even grander than the Titanic. Jerrah's ego demands a ship bigger than the Titanic. One bigger than any ship that's ever sailed. One big enough for a football stadium. Yes, the USS Cowboy. Imagine the world's first football game on the high seas. Or better yet, the first floating Super Bowl. Sure beats using ocean liners for hotels in Jacksonville for Super Bowl XXXIX.(via SB Nation, Blue Star)

Tim Lincecum bobbleheads with real hair? Ewwwwwww!

Tim Lincecum bobbleheads with real hair? Ewwwwwww!

By Juan Cena in SWRT on April 1, 2010

Okay, this is one that I really hope is an April Fools' Joke. Otherwise, this is absolutely the ewwwwww! story of the day. The Last Angry Fan reports that the San Francisco Giants are planning to give away 20,000 Tim Lincecum bobbleheads on July 17. They announced on Twitter that six "lucky" fans will get bobbleheads with real human hair.Like I said. Ewwwwwww!The hair, by the way isn't Lincecum's own hair. Which should sadden any Giants fan out there with their own home chemestry sets, and know how to use it to test for drug use.The Giants also announced that they'll be selling Lincecum wigs. Hopefully those won't be made of human hair.(via, Big League Stew, The Last Angry Fan)

Unfunny April Fools Jokes: Chris Mortensen can no longer be trusted

Unfunny April Fools Jokes: Chris Mortensen can no longer be trusted

By Juan Cena in SWRT on April 1, 2010

If you can't trust ESPN's Chris Mortensen, who can you trust? Well apparently you can't trust anybody anymore. Mortensen came on Atlanta radio station 680 The Fan's Buck and Kincade program, reporting that Donovan McNabb was being traded by the Philadelphia Eagles to the Buffalo Bills. Don't worry, Eagles fans, this was total BS. It was an April Fools joke on Philly native (and Eagles fan John Kincade). Oh Chris, how could you?

Unfunny April Fools Jokes: LSU's Purple Field

Unfunny April Fools Jokes: LSU's Purple Field

By Juan Cena in SWRT on April 1, 2010

April 1 always brings out the worst in the media. Especially on the internet. Sadly, LSUsports.net, which is the LSU athletic department's official website decided to give in to temptation today and announce that the field turf in Tiger Stadium would be purple for the 2010 season.Just to be serious for a moment, any school who actually thinks that a non-green field needs to go look at Boise State's field on an HDTV. It doesn't really look as cool in high definition.(via And the Valley Shook!, LSUsports.net)

Unfunny April Fools Jokes: Al Davis IS NOT Tennessee's new AD

Unfunny April Fools Jokes: Al Davis IS NOT Tennessee's new AD

By Juan Cena in SWRT on April 1, 2010

Okay, even for a April Fools Day joke this defies logic. Vols in the Fall claimed that a)Derek Dooley had resigned. And b)Tennessee AD Mike Hamilton had been fired and replaced by Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis (pictured here with you-know-who).Seriously, a good April Fools joke involves something that may be somewhat plausible. Does anybody really think UT would hire Al Davis after his dealing with his ex-minion Lane Kiffin? UT hiring Phil Fulmer as AD would be be more probable. Or maybe Gene Stallings. Now that would have been rich, and gotten the Vols fanbase riled up.(via Rocky Talk Top, Vols in the Fall)

Happy April Fools Day!

Happy April Fools Day!

By Juan Cena in SWRT on April 1, 2010


Shirts Without Random Triangles: Shocker! Nike releases MVPuppets t-shirt

Shirts Without Random Triangles: Shocker! Nike releases MVPuppets t-shirt

By Juan Cena in SWRT on March 31, 2010

To nobody's surprise, Nike is coming out with a t-shirt featuring the MVPuppets. The puppet avatars of Kobe Bryant and LeBron James, along with other characters from those increasingly annoying commercials can now emblazioned on an actual piece of Nike Merchandise, which is available either a)for purchase at Nike.com, or b)for free in a contest at Dime. Here's a close up, of the shirt, inspired by the "Revolution" poster featuring LeBron and other NBA players. It's the perfect gift for Terence Moore, if you ask me.(Via The Sporting Blog, Dime)

Another media voice chimes in against Dr. Evil Michael Adams

Another media voice chimes in against Dr. Evil Michael Adams

By Juan Cena in SWRT on March 31, 2010

The Sporting Blog's Brian Cook joins Bob Ryan in saying that UGA president Dr. Evil Michael Adams might not be the best candidate for NCAA president.... Say what you want about Brand, but he at least seemed earnest. His major project was an academic reform push that seems at least marginally effective at publicizing and punishing schools that don't make a good faith effort at graduating 60 percent of their players. There aren't legions of incensed Indiana bloggers who spit before saying his name. There isn't a 50-page audit alleging massive financial improprieties with his name on it. At no point did 70 percent of the faculty give him a vote of no confidence. It seems like literally everyone with a stake in UGA gets that sign above without having to think about it, so what possible reason could there be to put him in charge of the NCAA?Considering that the NCAA seems less and less of an organization to oversee academic and ethical standards in college sports, and more as a big money machine disguised as a non-for-profit organization, Dr. EvilAdams might be a good choice for NCAA president. If ethics are still important to you however, he might not such a good idea.(via The Sporting Blog)

Cupid Wears Jean Shorts? Tim Tebow, the Heisman, and a marriage proposal

Cupid Wears Jean Shorts? Tim Tebow, the Heisman, and a marriage proposal

By Juan Cena in SWRT on March 30, 2010

Here's a new one for the annals of embarrassing your true love into accepting your marriage proposal: Ask her at a Tim Tebow autograph signing:The lucky couple, by the way, are named on YouTube as Ian Lis and Sarah Springer. One has to wonder if Ms. Springer isn't half disappointed that Timmy wasn't the one asking her to marry him. Can't wait to see what Deadspin's semi-sacrilegious "Tim Tebow Messiah Watch" has to say about this.(via Dr. Saturday, The Huffington Post, Deadspin)

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