Sunday, February 1, 2015 • Evening Edition • "Ban Herald ASAP!"

"Sexy" Lane Kiffin fighting for his life. Or at least his title

By Juan Cena in SWRT on April 24, 2010

Things were going so smoothly for Lane Kiffin in the Esquire "Sexiest Woman Alive Madness" tournament, then things hit a speed bump. Kiffin is slightly behind second round opponent Danica Patrick at the moment. This isn't good for Lane. It also isn't good for my dream match-up in the finals of Kiffin and Olivia Munn either. (Munn is still whipping The Hills' Heidi Montag, by the way 99%-1%)Kiffin is lagging behind Patrick, with Danica holding a slight 50.3%-49.7% advantage. It's an small percentage to overcome. So help Kiffin out by voting now. While you're at it, give a little love to Matthew Stafford's girlfriend too. She's losing to hot ice dancer Tanith Belbin too.(via Esquire)

Happy Birthday Chipper Jones

Happy Birthday Chipper Jones

By Juan Cena in SWRT on April 24, 2010

Happy 38th birthday to Atlanta Braves' third baseman and hunting enthuiast Chipper Jones. Sadly, Chipper's birthday hasn't gone so well today. He was taken out of today's game against the New York Mets in the third inning with a sore right hit. The Braves went on to lose the game to the Mets in 3-1.As you can tell from the picture to the left, Chipper is an avid hunter. Many a deer have fallen to Chipper on his 10,000 acre ranch in Texas. Along with the occasional illegal alien. But that was due to dehydration, not at the hands of a mighty hunter like Chipper.It would be nice if the Braves' let him wear the eyeblack like he is shown here. Maybe Bryce Harper will start the trend off if and when he makes it to the Big Leagues. And maybe the Braves should honor Chipper by getting some Realtree camo jerseys for an alternate uniform. It would be a perfect tribute. And trust me, those hunting camo jerseys would fly off the racks.(via Walkoff Walk, Yahoo! Sports, Atlanta Journal-Constitution)

Is ESPN's FIFA  World Cup commercial anti-American?

Is ESPN's FIFA World Cup commercial anti-American?

By Juan Cena in SWRT on April 23, 2010

The latest ESPN commercial promoting the 2010 FIFA World Cup is titled "United." It features Bono in a rambling monologue slightly resembling the style of his Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction speech of Bob Marley. It's set to the music of U2's "Magnificent," and clips representing sundry global issues.As a whole it comes off a being a little anti-American. Images in the commercial include Muslims praying, a foreclosed house, polar bears floating away on sheets of ice, clips of impovrished areas around the world, and an American flag pin in a bad labeled "Made in China," The clip of an American flag that's ripped and worn at one end doesn't help things either.The commercial does get around to actually showing clips of actual games of soccer being player. But they are too brief and fleeting. There doesn't to seem to be any appearances of the US men's soccer team in the clip. One would think that in trying to get a (mostly) American audience to tune in it would help to show the home team off home team a little bit.The idea of the clip is that the world comes together once every four years united with one purpose. That being to compete for the World Cup. Even that concept is flawed, since competing for the Cup has as much to do with the national pride of each competing nation as it does celebrating some illusionary idea of global unity.The irony in this is that this commercial is trying to promote the World Cup to an American audience. One that has been slow to warm up to soccer a major sport despite years "soccer moms" driving their kids to soccer practice. The majority of the sports media still treats soccer on a level somewhere between a red-headed stepchild and an idiot brother-in-law.So will a commercial that sort of comes off as slighting America help promote the FIFA World Cup to Americans? It certainly doesn't help things. ESPN should be trying to promote the US Soccer team a little more, in conjunction with the World Cup in general. A one-two punch would have served promoting the Cup on both a national and a international level. ESPN only doing the latter might backfire in the end.

The NFL Draft can be a drag.

The NFL Draft can be a drag.

By Juan Cena in SWRT on April 23, 2010

The end of he first round of the NFL Draft usually means the end of most of the fun. Though this year is an exception, watching Jimmy Clausen tumble while Mel Kiper Jr's hair explodes over the fact Tim Tebow went in the first round ahead of him.Of course, the new three-day format of the Draft also means there's a lot of down time between rounds. What to do with all that time to fill?Well there's always the ever-productive "Let's take players in the Draft and give them drag queen names!" game. So SWRT went to Midsumma Drag Queen Name Generator and popped a few notable names in.Sam Bradford - "Paige Turner"Gerald McCoy - "Maya Thickinthighya"Tim Tebow - "Lurleen Cuisine"Ndamukong Suh - Fool! Suh don't need a drag queen name! But... if he did, he'd be "Sue Nahmi"Colt McCoy - "Madam Demanda Pash"C.J. Spiller - "Bertha Vanation"Demaryius Thomas - "Sal Monella"Jimmy Clausen - "Sharon Needles"Eric Berry - "Virginia Hamm"Dez Bryant - "Fifi Wang"Bryan Bulaga - "Mari Wanna"And to complete his humiliation:Mel Kiper Jr. - "Tanya Hide"

Tim Tebow's a Bronco

Tim Tebow's a Bronco

By Juan Cena in SWRT on April 22, 2010

The 2010 NFL Draft's most intriguing question was answered when the Denver Broncos drafted Tim Tebow with the 25th pick of the first round. Ahead of the still undrafted Jimmy Clausen. Which probably means Denver head coach Josh McDaniels is probably off Mel Kiper Jr's Christmas card list.If anything, this pick cements McDaniels's status as the NFL's resident insane genius. Or at least the insane part. Alienating Jay Cutler. Trading him for Kyle Orton. Repeating the alienation cycle with Brandon Marshal. Trading Peyton Hills to Cleveland for Brady Quinn. Trading Marshal to the Miami Dolphins for second round draft picks in this year and next year's draft. Now drafting Tim Tebow. Doctor Doom never came up with schemes as insane as this. Also of note: none of Doctor Doom's schemes succeeded, either.How Tebow's relationship with McDaniels will turn out is anybody's guess. But it's doubtful it will be the kind of almost father-son relationship Tebow had with Urban Meyer. That and it won't be as creepy, either (I hope).(Interesting fact, by the way: Colorado is headquarters of Focus on the Family, the Christian organization responsible for the infamous Suber Bowl ad featuring Tim Tebow and his mother. It's probably a good thing that I'm not a conspiracy spank. Otherwise I'd be trying to chalk this up as something more than just coincidence.)Of course Tebow will be competing for the starting quarterback job with Kyle Orton and Brady Quinn. It will be interesting to see how Tebow and Quinn interact. Quinn of course being the Jimmy Clausen of 2007. Except that Quinn got drafted in the first round. (Take that, Kiper!)

Sing along with the Big Ten

Sing along with the Big Ten

By Juan Cena in SWRT on April 22, 2010

The Iowa sports blog Black Heart Gold Pants decided to post a YouTube clip of a tailgate at Penn State where the tailgaters were jamming out to...Miley Cyrus?(Notice the rebel flag in the background? It's in honor of Joe Paterno. He fought for the South in the Civil War.)Sadly, it didn't take long before someone pointed out the shortcomings of Iowa Hawkeye fans' taste in music.If there's a "P'wning Hall of Fame," this needs to be in it. Seriously, it that Ricky Stanzi approved music?Sadly, both songs seem appropriate for the schools and their individual fanbases singing them. It does make the imagination wonder (or is it wander?) about what other recent (and possibly lame) hit songs of the past few years might be fitting for other Big 10 schools.Ohio State - "Tik Tok" Ke$haMichigan State - "Gives You Hell," All American RejectsMichigan - "Good Girls Go Bad," Cobra StarshipPurdue - "Poker Face," Lady GaGa (If only for Purdue Pete)Wisconsin - "Chicken Fried," Zac Brown BandNorthwestern-"Shake It," Metro StationAnd the Big Ten wonders why Notre Dame doesn't want to join.(via Black Heart Gold Pants)

NCAA expands tournament to 68 teams (not 96), sticks with CBS

NCAA expands tournament to 68 teams (not 96), sticks with CBS

By Juan Cena in SWRT on April 22, 2010

America can breathe easier now. The nation has dodged two bullets that could have destroyed the institution of March Madness.The NCAA men's basketball tournament will not be expanding to 96 teams. On the other hand, it will be expanding to 68 teams, with all four regional sixteenth seeds now decided by play-in games.But that's not all, CBS will continue to air the tournament, in conjunction with TBS, TNT, and TruTv. Which means all the games in the tournament will be televised in its entirety. The deal is for the next fourteen years, which means Gus Johnson fans will be able to hear such classic phrases such as "Rise and fire!" for years to come. Plus, it keeps the tournament out of the greedy hands of ESPN. So it counts as a double win.(via Deadspin)

The Mountain West in the BCS? Not anytime soon.

The Mountain West in the BCS? Not anytime soon.

By Juan Cena in SWRT on April 22, 2010

BCS executive director Bill Hancock suggested that the Mountain West conference may be on its way to become the seventh conference with an automatic bid. "If they meet the threshold, they'll be the seventh," he said. The "threshold" probably meaning overcoming whatever roadblocks the BCS puts in the MWC's way. It wouldn't happen anytime soon, either, with Hancock implying it wouldn't happen before the 2012 season.(via SI.com, CBSSports.com)

Jimbo Fisher wants FSU to play Florida in...Atlanta?

Jimbo Fisher wants FSU to play Florida in...Atlanta?

By Juan Cena in SWRT on April 21, 2010

You have to admit that newly minted FSU head football coach Jimbo Fisher isn't willing to let tradition stand in the way of how things are done in Tallahassee. While in Atlanta for a Seminole Boosters club on Monday night, Fisher suggested he would be open to playing the traditional season-ending rivarly game between FSU and Florida to the start of the season.In fact, he took the idea to its most absurd conclusion. When asked by a fan during a q&a session if FSU had been invited to participate in the annual Chick-fil-A Kickoff in Atlanta, Fisher said the school had been contacted about the possibility of playing against Alabama in the Georgia Dome.That's when Fisher dropped this little head-exploding idea: Playing Florida in the Chick-fil-A Kickoff. In the Georgia Dome.FSU-Florida at the start of the season makes sense in as much as it would provide the loser a chance to recover from the loss (which is what Fisher is reported to have said). But playing it in the ATL just isn't going to happen, and Fisher even said as much. But you've got to hand it to him for taking thinking outside the box to its most absurd conclusion.(via Orlando Sentinel)

Big East not going down without a fight, brings on Paul Tagliabue

Big East not going down without a fight, brings on Paul Tagliabue

By Juan Cena in SWRT on April 21, 2010

All signs seen to point to a Big 10 raid on the Big East. But don't think the Big East is just going to go quietly into that dark night. The conference has announced that former NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue will be talking on a voluntary advisory role.Paul Tagliabue will have the title of Special Advisor, where he will "provide strategic advice on future television arrangements and other priority matters." "Other priority matters" probably involving the Big 10's eying of Rutgers, Syracuse, Pitt, and possibly even UConn.Bringing in Tagliabue as Special Advisor does seem to be a sign that the Big East is taking all the expansion talk seriously. Tagliabue is credited with making the NFL into the machine it is today. It certainly looks like the Big East is starting to cover its wagons for the fight of its life.(via Joe Schad's Twitter, WHAS)

Expansion talk is

Expansion talk is "Hot and Cold"

By Juan Cena in SWRT on April 21, 2010

Expansion talk is beginning to resemble a Katy Perry song. Sadly, the song is "Hot and Cold," and not "I Kissed a Girl." One minute it sounds like things are starting to heat up, and then it turns out events are still moving at a totally glacial pace.Judging from events presented in Dr. Saturday the latter scenario is in play, at least on an official level. Big Ten commissioner Jim Delaney (or at least his spokesman) says earlier reports of an accelerated timeline for expansion are premature. Any talk about expansion at the BCS commissioner's conference in Arizona was on an unofficial level.(Via Dr. Saturday)

Shaq wishes he had Jessie's Girl

Shaq wishes he had Jessie's Girl

By Juan Cena in SWRT on April 20, 2010

You'd think that with the NBA Playoffs going on Shaquille O'Neal wouldn't have a lot of time on his hands. Apparently not.I sense a blacktop challenge to the Kobe and LeBron MVPuppets coming soon.(via Deadspin)

What Passes for Life: Random Links

What Passes for Life: Random Links

By Juan Cena in SWRT on April 20, 2010

Today is 4.20.2010. A day significant for pot smokers because...well, it's 4.20. Anyhow, Spencer Hall (the blogger formerly known as Orson Swindle) celebrates by honoring three of his alma mater Florida's most notorious dopeheads. And White Rhino Chocolate Jason Williams is at the top of his list. Funny, I didn't think Hall even knew Florida had a basketball team. (EDSBS) Just in time for the Mayan Apocalypse: Comedy Central has signed Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert through 2012. Which means they'll be on hand through the 2012 Presidential election. Or potential armageddon, which ever comes first. Then again, it could be one in the same. (Warming Glow)ESPN's Michael Smith wants to see Jimmy Clausen in the buff? Ewwww!...Oh, he meant " Buff" as in Buffalo. My bad. (Michael Smith's Twitter)Topless Robot gives us "The Twelve Coolest Sandman Characters Who Aren't Dream." I can agree with a lot of the choices. But leaving Matthew the Raven, Delirium, Barnabas, and Rose Walker off the list is a crime. And the writer got mixed up with which Endless looks more like Tori Amos (Delirium is the one that's supposed to look more like Tori, not Death. Death is way too goth to be Tori. Besides, both were created before Neil Gaiman met Tori, so it's a moot point) (Topless Robot. Props to GHERU and El Topo for pointing this one out.)MLB bans Rays' manager Joe Madden from wearing hoodies. Nice to see MLB is on top of this issue instead of less pressing issues like disparities in payroll or the graying of the fanbase or the upcoming labor talk with the Player's Union. (Sportress of Blogitude)

Iowa blog blames Icelandic volcano on...Hockeybear?

Iowa blog blames Icelandic volcano on...Hockeybear?

By Juan Cena in SWRT on April 20, 2010

You know that annoying volcanic eruption in Iceland that's messing up air travel to Europe with its hideous cloud of volcanic ash? Black Heart Gold Pants has taken a look at the situation. And it claims the culprit of this whole mess is....HOCKEYBEAR? (image via Black Heart Gold Pants)Hockeybear causing the volcanic ash cloud? No frakin' way! Hockeybear is an American icon. He's American as baseball, hot dogs, apple pie, Chevrolet, the Star Spangled Banner, Mom, Tim Tebow, the NFL, Stephen Colbert, Ryan A. Conklin, and Ricky frikin' Stanzi...combined! There's no dang way that Hockeybear would do such hideous act.And yet this is the second time BHGP has accused Hockeybear of betraying it's beloved country. The first time was during Marchinfornication where it claimed Hockeybear was aiding dirty communist Joe Paterno in his heinous acts of sedition. And now it blames the eruption of Eyjafjallajokull on Hockeybear's actions.Clearly there must be an explanation for this. Either BHGP has secretly been taken over by sinister agents of JoePa to spread misinformation. Or...JoePa is using an ursine ally to discredit Hockeybear's good name. That seems more likely.JoePa's found an evil opposite of Hockeybear. The Bizzaro to Hockeybear's Superman, the Sinestro to Hockeybear's Green Lantern. The Venom to Hockeybear's Spider-Man. The Red Skull to...well, you get the idea.Yes...this is the ANTI-HOCKEYBEAR!That's the only logical reason for this. The Anti-Hockeybear is out there and ready to destroy the very fabric of our nation, and the destruction of hockey in general. Luckily for us, Hockeybear is there to stop him. Let's hope he does before it's too late. And let's hope that BHGP admits the error of it's ways and apologize for slandering Hockeybear's good name.(via Black Heart Gold Pants)

Boise State: The old blue turf it ain't what it used to be

Boise State: The old blue turf it ain't what it used to be

By Juan Cena in SWRT on April 20, 2010

The SEC (and the world) should be lucky that the "LSU installing purple turf in Tiger Stadium" story was an April Fools joke. It was an obvious nod to the infamous blue turf in Boise State's Broncos Stadium. The one that garnered headlines long before the Broncos started to really give the NCAA and the BCS headaches.Sadly, that blue turf held up too well recently. It may have looked cool on TV back in the day, but in the crispness of today's HDTV's, it looks horrible. In fact, the most recent version of the turf, which was installed relatively recently in 2008, looked almost threadbare at times. This was apparently because "a reflective glare from fibers in the turf produces a dull, uneven shade of blue." (Yes genius, it's an artificial turf.)Well the powers that be at Boise State have taken notice of this, and decided to fix the problem. A new turf will be installed this summer, to be ready in time for fall practice to commence on August 6. Yes, it will still be blue, just like it has been since 1986. It's probably too late to stop now, even though it's quirkiness has possibly overstayed its welcome.(via EDSBS, Idaho Statesman)

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