- Written by Frankenstein, Former Agent of S.H.A.D.E. on Monday, December 10 2012 and posted in Columns
FRANK LIKE "FRANK HELP!" YOU LIKE "FRANK HELP!"?
Source: NONE! FRANK USE FRANK BRAIN!
TIME AGAIN FOR FRANK HELP! FRANK LIKE WRITING FRANK HELP! IT MEANS FRANK GET MAIL! MAIL GOOD!
From www.theouthousers.com, Nightfly asks: 'When will Dazzler get her own movie and which actress should play her?'
DAZZLER BAD! NEVER GET MOVIE! IF DAZZLER DOES GET MOVIE IT STAR LINDSEY LOHAN! LINDSAY LOHAN GO ON DRUNKEN RAMPAGE AND COMMIT VEHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER! DEATH TOLL HUGE! CHILDREN CRYING! BODY PARTS EVERYWHERE...
COME TO THINK OF IT, FRANK CHANGE MIND. DAZZLER MOVIE GOOD.
From the internet Hobgoblin4Life asks: 'who do you think would be a better team up with Rainbow Dash? Cassandra Cain or Stephanie Brown?'
BECAUSE RAINBOW ACT LIKE TOMBOY, FRANK SAY SHE TEAM WITH STEPH BEST, BECAUSE SHE NEEDS SOMEONE WHO CAN THROW BY HER SIDE! HOWEVER, PONIES NO TEAM UP WITH TOXIC BATGIRLS. PONIES PURE AND GOOD, TOXIC CHARACTERS BAD.
SEE DAN DIDIO? FRANK CAN TOE COMPANY LINE. GIVE FRANK JOB BACK. FRANK WILL WRITE BATGIRL FOR FREE. FRANK KILL ALL THE WOMEN DAN DIDIO WANT. FRANK NO EVEN DO IT ON PURPOSE. FRANK NO KNOW FRANK OWN STRENGTH. ACCIDENTAL STRANGLINGS HAPPEN TWICE A WEEK AROUND FRANK.
From skype Royal Nonesuch asks: 'Have you ever met any of the other monsters in comics? Marvel's Dracula? The cast of Proof? Any others? If so, what are your impressions of them?'
DRACULA ASSHOLE, STILL OWE FRANK £11! FRANK NEVER MEET PROOF. SOUND LIKE B-LISTER! AMERICAN WEREWOLF IS GOOD GUY, BAD AT POKER!
FRANK LIKE BANSHEE. SHE OK FOR GINGER. FRANK HAVE RIP OFF EARS BEFORE DINNER PARTY, BUT IS NO WORSE THAN BRIDE OF FRANK WHEN SHE NAGGING FRANK! "WHY FRANK NO TAKE OUT GARBAGE? FRANK NO TAKE BRIDE OF FRANK DANCING ANYMORE!" ARRGHH! FRANK RIP OWN EARS OFF, BUT STUPID DOCTOR WOULD JUST SEW NEW ONES ON.
From www.theouthousers.com sdsichero asks: 'Have you ever met Marvel's Frankenstein?'
MARVEL FRANK IS FRANK! DC FRANK IS FRANK! ALL FRANKS ARE FRANK! FRANK IS LIKE DOCTOR BUT ALL FRANKS ARE FRANK AT SAME TIME! FRANK MAKE SENSE?
From www.theouthousers.com Royal Nonesuch asks: 'I've been unlucky in love for years. I just have a lot of trouble relating to human girls. I recently met a monster woman at a party, and found her perfectly lovely. It got me thinking: maybe I should explore the possibility of dating monsters. Is there anything I should know about monster women that could maybe lead to me finding the love that's eluded me for so long?'
FRANK WANT FIRST SAY FRANK PROUD OF ROYAL’S OPEN MINDEDNESS! FRANK NOT MEET MANY LIVE HUMANS WILLING TO DATE MONSTER! ROYAL MUST BE WILLING TO OVERLOOK SUCH OUTDATED CONCEPTS AS HYGIENE, TABLE MANNERS, TABLES, DATE ALWAYS WEARING SAME SKIN, AND “TOO MUCH BLOOD LOSS.” BUT, MOST IMPORTANT, FRANK SAY BE YOURSELF, AND NO SCREAM TOO MUCH AT HOLIDAYS WITH HER FAMILY! THEY JUST LIKE YOU, ONLY MONSTERS….AND MAYBE EVIL…AND EAT HUMANS…
From www.theouthousers.com holtom2000 asks: 'why does DC today look like Image 20 years ago?'
WISE MAN ONCE SAY IF WORLD ENDS GO TO DC, THINGS HAPPEN THERE 20 YEARS LATE!
From www.theouthousers.com sdsichero asks: 'Frank, what do you think of spoilers?'
SPOILERS BAD! SDS BAD BECAUSE HE SPOILS THINGS LIKE COMICS AND FRUIT AND FRANK'S BODY PARTS! SPOILING BAD! FRANK HAVE TO REPLACE LIMBS ONCE EVERY THREE MONTHS BECAUSE OF SPOILING.
From www.theouthousers.com GLX asks: 'Recently on Twitter, you revealed to the world that you had some coffee and McDonald's for breakfast. Since you're made of dead body parts, how does your process food and drink?'
FRANK WANT REMIND GLX THAT FRANK ATE MCDONALDS! THAT STUFF NO DIGEST, JUST GOES STRAIGHT THROUGH YOU! OTHER THAN MCDONALDS AND OTHER FAST FOOD, FRANK PROCESS FOOD BY OSMOSIS AS LONG AS INTESTINES STILL FUNCTION. FRANK GO THROUGH INNARDS VERY FAST, ALWAYS NEED NEW SUPPLY. FRANK ASK GLX, YOUR STOMACH OK, ANY ULCERS?
THAT IT FOR THIS INSTALLMENT OF FRANK HELP! SEND FRANK YOUR QUESTIONS ON FACEBOOK, TWITTER, OUTHOUSE FORUMS, OR EMAIL. OR, WHISPER QUESTION TO INNOCENT YOUNG BOY AND SEND TO TELL FRANK. FRANK IS GENTLE GIANT, WILL CUDDLE BOY AND NO ACCIDENTALLY STRANGLE TO DEATH. FRANK PROMISE.
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About the Author - Frankenstein, Former Agent of S.H.A.D.E.
Frankenstein is the swordwielding monsterfighting monster formerly employed by S.H.A.D.E., a global agency dedicated to fighting weird stuff. Unfortunately, Dan Didio laid off Frankenstein due to low sales, and Frank quickly lost the bulk of his intelligence trying to piece together DC continuity while updating his resume. Luckily, the Outhouse's staff is largely made up of dumb beasts, and Frank is now working as an contributing reporter while he is between jobs.
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