- Written by Frankenstein, Former Agent of S.H.A.D.E. on Wednesday, December 12 2012 and posted in Columns
MONSTERS ARE PEOPLE TOO!
EXCEPT WHEN THEY'RE NOT!
Source: NONE, FRANK KNOW EVERYTHING!
FRANK HERE TO MAKE YOU SMART LIKE FRANK! BRAINS GOOD! NO FOR EATING! ZOMBIES BAD!
From www.theouthousers.com GLX asks: 'What do you think of rap music?'
RAP MUSIC GOOD! FRANK LIKE THE BEAT!
FRANK ALSO IMPRESSED WITH RAPPERS MAKING WORDS RHYME. EVERY TIME FRANK LISTEN, FRANK CLAP AND GIGGLE UNCONTROLLABLY.
From www.theouthousers.com IvCNuB4 asks: 'Dear Frank - why would Marvel also jump on the 90s-Image "craze" even though they are aware that some readers are criticizing DC for doing that? HUGE guns, heroes carrying swords even though they don't need them, leg straps, lots of pouches, unnecessary armor, cybernetic heroes, Mohawks. Is there a secret agenda behind all this madness??’
MARVEL START THAT! REMEMBER CABLE? HE HAVE CYBORG ARM (THAT CHEATING!) BEFORE IMAGE EXIST! DEADPOOL AND SHATTERSTAR HAVE SWORDS! DON’T GET FRANK STARTED ON PRE-IMAGE MARVEL POUCHES! STORM HAVE MOHAWK BEFORE IT COOL! MARVEL WANT EVERYONE TO REMEMBER THEY MADE THE 90s AWESOME! 90s WHEN COMICS SELL BIG NUMBERS! FRANK NO GET WHY MARVEL WANT TO TRY AND GET THAT BACK! PROBABLY ALL LOBDELL’S FAULT SOMEHOW!
From the internet BedazzledBrony asks: Frank, what are your thoughts on Avengers Arena? Do you think the entire thing is an elaborate virtual reality simulation? Really, isn't that a metaphor for life itself? (THIS LETTER INSPIRE FIRST “DECAYING THOUGHTS WITH FRANK!”)
FRANK LIKE IDEA OF AVENGERS ARENA! FRANK LIKE DEAD SUPER PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY HAVE BEST SPARE PARTS! AS FOR VIRTUAL REALITY, FRANK NO SURE. EINSTEIN SAY REALITY IS MERELY ILLUSION, ALBEIT VERY PERSISTENT ONE. IF TRUE, THEN IS AVENGERS REALITY LESS REAL THAN REALITY ITSELF? FRANK NO THINK SO. DOUGLAS ADAMS SAY REALITY IS FREQUENTLY INACCURATE. IN THIS CASE, MOST MARVEL COMICS IN NEW MILLENIUM AS CLOSE TO REALITY AS POSSIBLE, WHEN CONCERNING CONTINUITY AND CHARACTERIZATION. ON ANOTHER NOTE, JOHN KEATS SAY THAT NOTHING BECOME REAL UNTIL IT EXPERIENCED. IF THIS IS CASE, THEN IS ANYTHING EXPERIENCED REALITY? FRANK THINK MARK TWAIN SUM IT UP BEST, THOUGH, WHEN HE SAY REALITY CAN BE BEATEN WITH ENOUGH IMAGINATION. AVENGERS ARENA IS EXCITING COMIC THAT TELL COMPELLING STORY, SO IT NO MATTER IF DEATHS ARE REAL OR PART OF SIMULATION AND WILL BE UNDONE.
WHAT? YOU NO THINK FRANK READ?
From the internet MorePouches asks: Frank, is death in comics permanent?
DEPEND ON WHO YOU ARE! IF YOU RANDOM CITIZEN CAUGHT IN EVENT, DEAD IS DEAD! YOU ARE SIMPLY PLOT DEVICE TO SHOW CONSEQUENCES OF HEROES AND VILLAINS ACTIONS. IF YOU HERO OR VILLAIN IN COMIC, HOWEVER, DEATH IS TEMPORARY! UNLESS YOU BLACK. AND THAT BULL CRAP. IS WASTE OF GOOD PARTS THAT COULD BE HARVESTED FOR FRANK. FRANK'S ELBOWS COULD USE REPLACING. PROFESSOR X HAVE PERFECTLY GOOD ELBOWS. WHY FRANK NO HAVE? PROFESSOR X BE BACK WITHIN TWO YEARS.
FRANK GET NEW LETTER FROM NEW FRIEND, MR. JOE! IT LONG! FRANK ANSWER BY PARAGRAPH! FRANK ORGANIZED! ORGANIZATION GOOD! FOR FIRST LETTER SEE FRANK HELP! FROM 12/07/2012.
From a letter slipped under Frank’s door, Mr. Joe asks:
CURSES! You are trying to confound me! Confounding me in the way of trying to think you are evil, but I know you are good. I know you fight evil so fighting three super powered little girls would mean you would be thrashing evil doers such as MO.. I mean.. people I Mr. Joe look up too. Thus you will not fool me into thinking you are evil when I know you are good. Because only a goodie two-shoes would race to defend honest people like that Gail Simone. Thus you are good and I know you are good and given that I know you are good you will not perform an act of evil, because you are good. SO I'M ON TO YOU!!
FRANK NEVER SAY FRANK EVIL! FRANK SAY FRANK MONSTER! NOT ALL MONSTERS EVIL! THAT RACIST! RACISM BAD! FRANK WANT FIGHT SUPER POWERED LITTLE GIRLS! MAYBE FREE PARTS FALL OFF! JUST BECAUSE FRANK MONSTER NO MEAN FRANK CAN’T LIKE PEOPLE! GAIL SIMONE NICE TO FRANK AT DC OFFICES! GAIL SIMONE GOOD! DARTH DIDIO FIRE GAIL! DARTH DIDIO FIRE FRANK! DARTH DIDIO BAD! FIRE BAD! MR. JOE YELLING AT FRANK! FRANK NO LIKE BEING YELLED OUT! FRANK WILL GO TO MR. JOE'S VILLAGE AND ACCIDENTALLY SQUEEZE LIFE OUT OF SMALL CHILD! HOW MR. JOE LIKE THOSE APPLES?!
And my name is a perfectly respectfully name! FOR IT IS A NAME OF NORMALCY! THUS ONE CAN HIDE IN PLAIN SIGHT! So hiding in plain sight means I MO.. can do things. Things I can do so I can unleash my secret ultimate plan. A plan so diabolical and evil that one can comprehend what it could be! For a being comprehending such as yourself would prove you being below my superior brain power. For I Mojo am the superior intellect!! HA HA! I laugh at you being lower than me. For I am evil! I am bad! Nothing is more evil than me! For the 90s is below me, for I am more extreme at being evil than it! FOR I AM MOJO JOJO!!!
FRANK CONFUSED! YOUR NAME MR. JOE OR MOJO JOJO? EITHER WAY, FRANK SAY JOE’S NAME IS SILLY! HAVING FIRST NAME AS LAST NAME OR HAVING NAME THAT SOUND LIKE IT FOR PET MONKEY MAKE FRANK LAUGH! LAUGHING GOOD FOR HEART! FRANK DID NOTICE THAT JOJO SAY HE HAVE GOOD BRAIN! FRANK ALWAYS LOOKING FOR AN UPGRADE! FRANK BE OVER SOON! TRY AND HIDE IN PLAIN SIGHT WITH A MONSTER AT YOUR FRONT DOOR!
PS – FRANK STILL WANT BE MR. JOE’S FRIEND, WANT COME OVER SATURDAY FOR BBQ?
NO MORE FRANK HELP! TODAY. FRANK KNOW THIS MAKE YOU SAD, BUT FRANK'S NEW WRIST CAME WITH CARPAL TUNNEL AND FRANK NEED GO FIND ANOTHER NEW WRIST!
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About the Author - Frankenstein, Former Agent of S.H.A.D.E.
Frankenstein is the swordwielding monsterfighting monster formerly employed by S.H.A.D.E., a global agency dedicated to fighting weird stuff. Unfortunately, Dan Didio laid off Frankenstein due to low sales, and Frank quickly lost the bulk of his intelligence trying to piece together DC continuity while updating his resume. Luckily, the Outhouse's staff is largely made up of dumb beasts, and Frank is now working as an contributing reporter while he is between jobs.
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