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Idiot's Guide Weekly: America Hearts IGW!

Written by Christian Hoffer on Saturday, January 15 2011 and posted in Columns

Idiot's Guide reviews The Green Hornet, says goodbye to Thor: The Mighty Avenger, and covers everything you need to know about Green Lantern in 200 words or less!

Welcome to a weekly column summarizing the good, the bad and the ugly that occurred throughout the week in comics. With fifty billion websites covering all the minutia of the comic industry and dozens of comics hitting the shelves, it's about time that someone has the stones to take it all in and regurgitate it like a mother bird to her chicks. Idiot's Guide Weekly will cover pertinent news, the best and worst comics of the week, and anything else worth mentioning in a jovial and mocking manner. So enjoy it while it's fresh: Idiot's Guide Weekly aims to please.

The News:

Top News Story of the Week: Borders stiffs Diamond Comic Distribution . Like a bitter lover refusing to pay a modest monthly bill, Borders has informed its distributors that it is currently unable to pay them for their goods, Diamond, the sole distributor of comics in the United States, is none too thrilled about this. Various pundits have predicted the doom of the comic book industry because of this development, which is ironic when considering those same pundits are the ones raving about how comics have no exposure outside of the local comic book store. In other news, Diamond announced that it was starting a "Fuck You, Borders. We Want Our Money" Campaign featuring discounted rates for any vendor who could provide proof that they had vandalized a local Borders store.

Gotham High, a nixed DC cartoon featuring high school versions of Batman and his rogue's gallery, has been making the rounds on the internet this week. I really wanted to see how a Joker-Batgirl relationship would have played out...

DC beat Marvel in a sales category for the first time in twenty or so years . After a long weekend celebration, it was announced that all of DC's comics would be delayed by a month due to hangovers, thus giving Marvel an automatic victory for next month.

Idiot's Guide Reviews...The Green Hornet:

It sucked.

An Idiot's (Short) Guide to Green Lantern:

Since the movie is coming out the summer, here's what you need to know about Green Lantern in 200 words:

Hal Jordan was an asshat pilot who lucked out in life and got chosen to be a Green Lantern, an intergalactic cop who could shoot coalesced willpower through his ring. The ring's only weakness was it didn't work on yellow stuff, which meant villains often tried to beat Hal to death with a yellow highlighter. His biggest villain was his old mentor Sinestro, whom Hal betrayed after discovering they disagreed about politics.

Hal couldn't handle the job alone and picked up some buddies, the brash Guy Gardner and awesome John Stewart, to help him suck at life less. He even joined the JLA but only ended up getting pity laid by various superheroines. Despite everyone's hard work trying to make Hal a better person, Hal snapped, took the name Parallax and tried to kill everyone by restarting the universe and shit. He failed and died and was replaced by sensitive artist Kyle Rayner. Then it came out that Hal didn't actually snap but just got possessed by an ancient yellow fear bug named Parallax who only made him try to kill everyone. So Hal came back. Parallax didn't make him an asshat though; Hal earned that title on his own.

The Comics:

Moment of the Week: Batgirl and Robin play in a moon jump in Batgirl #17. Capping off an excellent issue, the unlikely pairing of Stephanie Brown and Damien Wayne culminate in Steph teaching how to have fun via the simple joys of a bouncy pit. If only Civil War could have solved by bouncing it out instead of with Bill Foster's death...

Comic of the Week: Thor: The Mighty Avenger #8. For the last eight months, Marvel has released a wonderful, funny, romantic comic that truly represents the best an All Ages comic can be. Roger Langridge and Chris Samnee should be commended for this brilliant, heart-warming story. And every person who didn't buy this book should be ashamed for being soulless bastards.

Surprise of the Week: Infinite Vacation #1. If someone told me that Nick Spencer shits out greatness after having too much beer the night before, I'd believe him. Everything this man touches is genius.

Chick of the Week: Bleez
Shaping projectile vomit into a knife is hot.
Worst Character of the Week: Dick Grayson (in Batman and Robin #19).
Dude, you got jobbed by a chick with a big hole in her head. She was literally missing parts of her brain and the best you could do was get tied to a chair with a paper mache drill bit stuck in your hair. Fail.

Other comics of note:
Heroes for Hire #2: Sleeper hit of the week. Brilliant art, brilliant story, brilliant use of vaguely heard villain from the 70's. This is one of those books that make you want to search Wikipedia to get the backstory on all these characters.

Justice League: Generation Lost #17: Max Lord is a bastard and possibly racist.

Red Robin #19: The words Unternet, Anarky, Foxy Lady and Catman were all featured in this issue. Do I need to go on explaining why this is a great book?

Black Panther: Man Without Fear #514: We get another two issues of development for the price of one in this issue. Vlad sadly doesn't impale anyone this issue and Black Panther continues to discover what collateral damage means.
Black Panther: Attracting random New Yorkers in grief since 1966.

Unwritten #21: When I was in high school, a literature teacher of mine made the comment that Moby Dick was no longer relevant to today's society. I have the strong urge to find her and smack her in the head with this issue.

Hello... (New Characters): Solstice (Wonder Girl #1): Sure she's popped up a couple of other times in passing in Teen Titans, but this is the first time we've gotten to see the future event shock fatality in action.

Goodbye... (Dead Characters): Montana (Amazing Spider-Man #651): Whips and cowboy hats have no place in the modern Marvel world, apparently.

Quote of the Week: "I've got work tomorrow." ~Peter Parker, on bucking the 11% unemployment rate and holding a steady job for longer than two days. Way to rub in it everyone's face, Parker. May a bunch of bad guys dressed up as Spider-Slayers attempt to kill your father-in-law next arc.

Everything Else (Musings and whatnot):

Pictures from the Spider-Man , Thor , and Captain America movies were all released this week. I'm pleasantly surprised that they all look pretty good.

It's been two weeks into the DC Character Covers and I'm already sick of them.

I got my Dex-Starr the Rage Cat action figure this week. This either makes me the coolest person alive or a bigger loser than those guys on the NBC show. You know the one...

Next Week
: Idiot's Guide compares stretchy people, reviews Blacksad and attempts to goad a comic book creator for a quote!

Written or Contributed by: Christian Hoffer

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About the Author - Christian

Christian is the exasperated Abbott to the Outhouse's Costello. When he's not yelling at the Newsroom for upsetting readers or complaining to his wife about why the Internet is stupid, he sits in his dingy business office trying to find new ways to make the site earn money. Christian is also the only person in history stupid enough to moderate two comic book forums at once.


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