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Idiot's Guide Weekly: Blame it on the Alcohol

Written by Christian on Saturday, February 26 2011 and posted in Columns

IGW discusses the best and worst superheroes to drink with.  Plus reviews, news and more!

Welcome to a weekly column summarizing the good, the bad and the ugly that occurred throughout the week in comics. With fifty billion websites covering all the minutia of the comic industry and dozens of comics hitting the shelves, it's about time that someone has the stones to take it all in and regurgitate it like a mother bird to her chicks. Idiot's Guide Weekly will cover pertinent news, the best and worst comics of the week, and anything else worth mentioning in a jovial and mocking manner. So enjoy it while it's fresh: Idiot's Guide Weekly aims to please.

The News:

Top News Story of the Week: Dwayne McDuffie, the prolific creator of the Milestone Universe and one of the masterminds behind many of the best cartoons of the last decade, shockingly passed away on Tuesday due to complications involving a surgery.  Remembrances can be found here and here .

Powers: The TV show is FINALLY coming to a basic cable channel near you. This is the best news I've heard in a while on the comic book front. Crime procedural involving superhero deaths? Don't be surprised if this puts up better numbers than The Walking Dead.

The announcement of Boom! Studios new Kaboom kids line was sullied by Rob Liefeld threatening to sue due to copyright infringement. However, legal analysts believe that the case wouldn't hold up in court due to the lack of big-breasted men  in any of the comics.

An Idiot's Guide to Drinking Buddies


March 1st marks an important day for the intrepid staff on IGW. My fiancée (MithrosMistress on the Outhouse) turns 21, meaning that my social life will finally be unencumbered by the Puritan laws set up by overzealous advocacy groups and their paid off politicians. To celebrate this momentous occasion (which will probably coincide with the swan song of this column as future columns will be written while majorly hungover), IGW presents the best and worst superhero drinking buddies.

The Best:

Hercules (Marvel): Although he might be the Prince of Power, Hercules is also the Master of Mead. Hercules practically invented the art of fighting one-handed as his other hand is usually occupied with holding a goblet of mead, wine, or some other adult beverage. Hercules is living proof that a strong beverage puts hair on your chest.

Wolverine (Marvel): Like all Canadians, Wolverine can barely go an hour without a can of Molson Light to guzzle down. Wolverine's claws come in handy in any situation, whether its slicing open bottles of champagne, popping holes in cans of beers to shotgun, or stabbing that annoying douche who's been ogling your lady all night.

Zatanna (DC): Not only would she be the talk of any venue with her fishnet stockings and top hat, she's also a Grade-A lush. Running on a budget? No worries! Go for the cheap stuff and wait for Zatanna say "Nrut taht yttaN ecI otni nortaP!" Can anyone say shots?

The Worst:

The key to drinking is pacing. Or guzzling whole bottles.
Superman (DC)
: Superman would probably be one of those weepy lightweight drunks that start to bawl after having two cranberry and vodkas. He'd also be very whiny when he drinks too, incessantly whining about Batman and Lex Luthor and how he could be rich too if he ever decided to not be a career underachiever who needs his wife to do all the heavy lifting with the finances.

Captain Marvel (DC): So, let's say you have this friend who likes to beat up on bad guys, talk in phrases like "Gee whillikers!" and always gets nervous about going out to the bar. Finally, after a ton of peer pressure and gently reminding him that he shouldn't listen to the Wisdom of Solomon, you get him to come out with you to the bar. After one drink he says he has to go to the bathroom. You check up him to discover that instead of some fully-grown superhero, there's some fourteen-year-old kid puking his guts out in the toilet stall. Now you have yourself a level 2 misdemeanor on your hands. Have fun with that.

Iron Man (Marvel)
: Tony's a recovering alcoholic who doesn't need alcohol to cockblock you with every chick in the bar while regaling you with stories of how he and Charlie Sheen used to doing lines of coke off of porn star's asses back in the day. Don't drink around Tony Stark: you'll only feel more depressed when he leaves with four girls on his arm.

An Idiot's Guide Contest: The Fear Itself Death Pool


This one is a pretty simple game. With Marvel's announcement that they'd be killing off a character per quarter and Matt Fraction's hint that the announcement curiously lines up with Fear Itself, which will be a three quarter event, Idiot's Guide wants to know: which character do you think will be the first to bite it in the coming months? Any Marvel character currently alive will be accepted as a potential answer. In order to play, just say (either in the thread, via PM or by email) which character do you think will die in Fear Itself and say how that character will die. IGW will accept submissions through 3/15/2011, the day before the Fear Itself event begins with Book of the Skull.

The prize will be either 1) a hardcover edition of New Avengers: Breakout signed by David Finch OR a hardcover copy of Superman: Earth One. Winner gets to choose. If no one wins, I get to keep all my comics.

So far, we have about fifteen entries with two weeks left. A lot of good, obscure (and obvious) picks are still left open so if you want to play, just click here and throw your name into the ring.

Newton Watch: Week Two:

The non-poster known only as Newton is an enigma encased in a nutshell of mysteries. His reach throughout the comic book messageboards are long-reaching, but never before has anyone actually been able to pin Newton down to ask the most important questions of the day.

Due to the lack of a response this week, IGW is reaching out by sending five emails per day to Newton. All readers are encouraged to participate.

Here is the email sent to his last known address.

I am contacting you on behalf of the popular Outhouse column "Idiot's Guide Weekly". We were wondering if you'd be interested in answering a question or two about pertinent topics which will 1) increase your exposure without having to sign up for the forums and 2) bring in new readers as your many fans flock to the site to hear your words of wisdom.

Let me know your thoughts on the subject.



Stay tuned for more developments.

The Comics (There Be Spoilers Below!):

Moment of the Week: Zoe stabs a bitch in Morning Glories #7. I really can't speak highly enough about this book. In seven issues, Nick Spencer has created a cast of three-dimensional characters which seem capable of shocking moments every issue.

Comic of the Week: Amazing Spider-Man #655 Spider-Man has been faced with a lot of deaths over the years. But Slott pulls out all the stops on showing how much pain and blame Peter Parker feels whenever he loses a member of the supporting cast. Marcos Martin's art really brings the issue together. This is easily one of the strongest single issues of Amazing Spider-Man ever.

Surprise of the Week: Age of X Crossover After a disappointing opening chapter a couple of weeks ago, Mike Carey delivers two chapters of action and intrigue that restored my faith that Mike Carey will deliver a solid alternate-universe storyline in the vein of Age of Apocalypse or Days of Future Past.

Best Character of the Week: War Machine (in Iron Man 2.0 #1): I've never been a huge fan of War Machine, but Nick Spencer does a great job of explaining why James Rhodes is needed in the Marvel Universe in the first issue of his latest ongoing series.

Worst Character of the Week: The Illuminati (in Avengers #10): For the smartest/most powerful people in the Marvel Universe, the Illuminati suck at hiding the Infinity gems. A deadbeat thug from the street has snatched up three in one afternoon. Pathetic effort on everyone's part.

Other comics of note:

Best adjective to describe Lex Luthor
X-Men #8
: Victor Gischler has obviously been lurking on the Outhouse recently. The villain of his latest arc is an Internet Troll. I'm not kidding around. The villain actually trolls message boards to pick his victims.

Teen Titans #92: Way to pick on a ten-year old sociopath, Red Robin. Damian is right, the Teen Titans are annoying little children.

American Vampire #12: A nice one-shot filling in a little of the back story of Skinner between his turning into a vampire and going to California. I wasn't too sold on the art, but not every issue can be a masterpiece.

The Sixth Gun #9: Lesson of the day: A flock of owls and a warepanther make for poor assassins.

Sebastian Shaw wonders if he just stepped into a fetish video...
Justice League: Generation Lost #20
: Max Lord makes a very strong case for wiping out all the superheroes.

Secret Avengers #10: Can anyone tell me anything secret that this group of Avengers (who's also currently running around in Bendis' Avengers book) has done? Anyone?

Who is Jake Ellis #2
: I'm not really sure who Jake Ellis is, but it's been a great ride thus far.

Hello... (New Characters)


Goodbye... (Dead Characters)

The Fu not named Manchu (Secret Avengers #10): He Who Shall Not be Named due to Copyright Infringement is gone once again. Somewhere, Marvel's legal department sighs in relief.

Idiot's Guide Comic of the Month for February 2011


Amazing Spider-Man #655. A truly powerful (and mindbending) issue.

Everything Else (Musings and whatnot)

March will begin IGW's Wolverine (and Friends) Stab Count...looking at all the people that Wolverine, his bastard son, and his clone daughter stab in a given month.

Also, don't forget to join the Death Pool...

New Features or Guest Reviews are always welcme and encouraged. 

Next Week: Stab Month Begins at IGW!  IGW Reviews Locke and Key! All this and More!

Written or Contributed by: BlueStreak

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About the Author - Christian

Christian is the exasperated Abbott to the Outhouse's Costello. When he's not yelling at the Newsroom for upsetting readers or complaining to his wife about why the Internet is stupid, he sits in his dingy business office trying to find new ways to make the site earn money. Christian is also the only person in history stupid enough to moderate two comic book forums at once.


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