Sunday, May 20, 2018 • Morning Edition • "SCORE! The Outhouse does it again!"

Idiot's Guide Weekly: Superhero Marriage Advice

Written by Christian on Monday, March 28 2011 and posted in Columns

Idiot's Guide Weekly asks superheroes about their thoughts on matrimony!  Plus, news, comics and more!

Welcome to a weekly column summarizing the good, the bad and the ugly that occurred throughout the week in comics. With fifty billion websites covering all the minutia of the comic industry and dozens of comics hitting the shelves, it's about time that someone has the stones to take it all in and regurgitate it like a mother bird to her chicks. Idiot's Guide Weekly will cover pertinent news, the best and worst comics of the week, and anything else worth mentioning in a jovial and mocking manner. So enjoy it while it's fresh: Idiot's Guide Weekly aims to please.

The News:

Top News Story of the Week: The full Captain America trailer hit the Internet this week. It goes a long way to soothe some of the fears brought on by the teaser trailer and also showcases the Howling Commandos and Cap throwing his shield. However, it still falls short of this fan-made remake (Caution, contains strong language).

The comic book Chew is being developed into a Showtime television series. I'm confident that the cable station that brought us a sympathetic sociopathic serial killer can handle cannibalism in a similar light.

Breaking News: Geoff Johns is writing a new Aquaman series. That sound you hear is all fourteen Aquaman fans rejoicing.

Marvel's June solicitations hit the Interwebs on Tuesday. Highlights include Nick Spencer writing the Seven Immortal Weapons, the cancellation of Spider-Girl (for the fifty-seventh time), and a book about tennis. It also features the return of the Death Bag for the climax of the Death of Spider-Man arc, which indicates that Johnny Storm will be getting killed off for the second time in a month.

While not really a news feature, this Bleeding Cool story has been a source of fascination for many over the last three days. To summarize, Rich Johnston started to poke holes in the resume of an alleged industry artist. Within 24 hours, it came out that the man was a fraud who's been passing off the work of others as his own as has no actual art credits to his name. Comic artists rallied against the man, culminating in Ethan Van Sciver confronting the man at the MegaCon convention this weekend. Like I said, it's been captivating watching the story unfold and watching a fraud get exposed.

An Idiot's Guide to Marriage

For those of you in the dark about the minutae of the site, our illustrious leader and owner of the site, Lord Simian, is getting married today. In honor of the Lord of the Monkey's pending nuptials, I reached out to various superheroes and villains to ask if they had any advice to give to the groom.

Batman: Women are a cowardly and superstitious lot. Be sure to carry around chocolate in your utility belt to create as a distraction when they want you to take out the trash.

Iron Man: I think I got married once. To a hooker in Madripoor. But I think it got annulled when I discovered that the hooker was a transvestite. Or maybe not. That year was all a blur....

The Jimmy Olsen fist pump really ties the image together.
: Marriage requires work and compromise even if it means dressing as a bat during foreplay.

Wolverine: Is she a redhead? If so, I'll come over on Tuesday to deliver a special wedding present of hairy Canadian sausage while you're at work.

Mr. Fantastic: Just remember that marriages are a....stretch to maintain. Haha, get it? Because I can stretch! It's a joke!

Invisible Woman: *sigh* Remember to put up with your spouse's corny jokes and stupid ideas and stay faithful to them even if a gallant, half-naked fishman offers you all the oceans in the world in exchange for a hot, steamy night of fishman sex.

Wonder Woman: If you harm her, I will personally come to your house and slit your throat and blame it on Angle Man.

Hawkman: Marriage lasts a lifetime. In my case, it lasts sixteen lifetimes.

Spider-Man: Your marriage can be a valuable asset when making deals with the devil.

It takes a real man to wear a speedo to your best friend's wedding.
Lois Lane
: Be patient with your spouse even when they cry after sex or make you dress up like a bat during foreplay.

Thor: Remember that the husband dost always get the last words in an argument. Often times those words dost be "Verily, milady".

Detective Chimp: You know, in chimpanzee culture, it's a tradition that the rest of the tribe gets to share the leader's bride the night of the wedding. I'll stop by around 8 tonight.

Martian Manhunter: Where I come from, men are from Mars and women are also for Mars. It made for good marriages as both parties were of the same species. I highly recommend that take that route when pursuing nuptials.

Luke Cage: Marriage means that you never get to wear your tiara out in public ever again. Sweet Christmas, man! Don't do it!

Hank Pym: Whatever you do, don't raise a hand to her in anger. You will become an internet meme and have your entire character defined by it. Also, don't sleep with a robot version of your wife. Your friends will think you're weird.

Aquaman: A good spouse is one who will lend a hand when you don't have one.

Hellboy: Marriage is the devil's work.

After their marriage ended, one became a cosmic entity while the other dates a trashy hooker.
: I'm really not the person to ask for marriage advice. I dunno, don't fall in love with an evil clone version of your girlfriend, marry her and have a kid and then leave her for your actual girlfriend when she pops up alive? And then don't cheat on her psychically with a blonde tramp who dresses like a high-class hooker? Is that good enough advice?

Green Arrow: Keep your arrow straight and be sure to make sure it goes in the right quiver....or at least don't get caught putting it in the wrong one.

Black Canary: Find a good divorce attorney just in case your husband decides to commit coldblooded murder behind your back.

Doctor Strange: Love, patience and proficient use of your Wand of Watoomb will prevent the Crimson Bands of Cytorrak that bind your marriage from ever breaking.

Galactus: A good spouse has planets on the table ready for consumption when you get home from work.

Hal Jordan: Unless that ring glows and makes giant green boxing gloves, stay away from it at all costs.

Zatanna: Amak artus. Kool ti pu!

Mammon Watch: Week One

Since Newton has receded back into whatever gutter he came from, Idiot's Guide Weekly is attempting to snag the next best thing.  Mammon, Fool Breaker is an avid DC fan and newbie to comics who has a rather... unique outlook on comics.  IGW will be reaching out to Mammon to get his opinion on the week's hottest news and relevant topics.  Stay tuned.

The Comics (There Be Spoilers Below!):

Moment of the Week: Batman rejoins the JLI. (Justice League: Generation Lost #22) The cavalry has arrived and his name is Bruce Wayne.

Comic of the Week: FF #1. Solid beginning to the new direction and it features this awesome cover that really aptly describes what the book is all about.

Tis merely a FLESH WOUND!
Surprise of the Week
: Green Lantern #64. I'll admit that I was not looking forward to this event at all. The Green Lantern book has been generally weak after Blackest Night, with Doug Mahnke doing most of the heavy lifting. However, the first chapter of the War of the Green Lanterns really makes up for a lot of shortcomings and actually gives a viable explanation for why the Green Lantern corps would actually fight each other. It doesn't excuse the blatant stupidity shown by various characters in the arcs leading up to the event, but at least I'm no longer cringing at the thought of a Green Lantern civil war.

Best Character of the Week: Kathy Kane (Batman Incorporated #4): It's good to see the original Batwoman reinserted into mainstream continuity...even if it was added postmortem.

Other comics of note:

It's the new Wonder Woman costume for the TV Show!
Uncanny X-Men #534
: This just in from the X-Office: A blanket ban has been instituted on the word tidy in all future issues of Uncanny X-Men.

Supergirl #62: I much prefer the team of Robin, Supergirl, Blue Beetle and Miss Martian to the team running around in Teen Titans. DC take notes.

Superman/Batman #82: Cullen Bunn is showcasing the magic side of the DCU for the first time in years. It's great to see that someone recognizes how many great magic characters DC has.

Green Lantern Corps #58: Ganthet gets Aquamanned! I'm pretty sure a Ganthet the Bearded Guardian with a Hook Hand series isn't far behind.

The Sixth Gun #10: Are you reading this book? If not, punch yourself in the face. Seriously.

Justice League of America #55: I'm sorry, but this title just lacks any redeeming value anymore. I can't get behind any book that justifies hitting a Canadian Mountie. Dropped.

Ultimate Spider-Man #156: Man, I forgot how well Bagley's art just clicks with these characters.

Uncanny X-Force #6: Wolverine's nickname for Fantomex was the highlight of this issue for me. I'm sure it's not the first time Fantomex has been called Le Pew but I could not stop laughing the entire time.

X-Men #9: Disappointed about the identity of the Internet troll antagonist. I was really hoping that it would be an Outhouser. :(

Everything Else (Musings and whatnot):

Sorry for the late column, I didn't get hit with inspiration until this morning. Originally, you all were going to get a dry and boring piece comparing various comics involving you're welcome.

Speaking of zombies, do yourself a favor and pick up iZombie Vol. 1 if you haven't done so already. It's well worth the price.

I didn't have the heart to start an Evisceration column even though I certainly read at least one comic that deserved it. I dunno, I guess I just don't have the stomach to really tear into a comic book and make it bleed.

My final question for you this weekend: Who would win in a drinking contest? Godzilla or Cthulhu?

Next Week: Something, something comics!

Written or Contributed by: BlueStreak

Help spread the word, loyal readers! Share this story on social media:

Comment without an Outhouse Account using Facebook

We get it. You don't feel like signing up for an Outhouse account, even though it's FREE and EASY! That's okay. You can comment with your Facebook account below and we'll take care of adding it to the stream above. But you really should consider getting a full Outhouse account, which will allow you to quote posts, choose an avatar and sig, and comment on our forums too. If that sounds good to you, sign up for an Outhouse account by clicking here.

Note: while you are welcome to speak your mind freely on any topic, we do ask that you keep discussion civil between each other. Nasty personal attacks against other commenters is strongly discouraged. Thanks!
Help spread the word, loyal readers! Share this story on social media:

About the Author - Christian

Christian is the exasperated Abbott to the Outhouse's Costello. When he's not yelling at the Newsroom for upsetting readers or complaining to his wife about why the Internet is stupid, he sits in his dingy business office trying to find new ways to make the site earn money. Christian is also the only person in history stupid enough to moderate two comic book forums at once.


More articles from Christian
The Outhouse is not responsible for any butthurt incurred by reading this website. All original content copyright the author. Banner by Ali Jaffery - he's available for commission!