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Idiot's Guide Weekly: Limp Resurrections

Written by Christian on Monday, April 04 2011 and posted in Columns

IGW talks about comic characters that should have stayed dead!  Plus news, reviews and more!

Welcome to a weekly column summarizing the good, the bad and the ugly that occurred throughout the week in comics. With fifty billion websites covering all the minutia of the comic industry and dozens of comics hitting the shelves, it's about time that someone has the stones to take it all in and regurgitate it like a mother bird to her chicks. Idiot's Guide Weekly will cover pertinent news, the best and worst comics of the week, and anything else worth mentioning in a jovial and mocking manner. So enjoy it while it's fresh: Idiot's Guide Weekly aims to please.

The News:

Top News Story of the Week: Green Lantern no longer looks terrible. Warner Bros. unveiled a new trailer at WonderCon featuring actual CG effects and a noticeable lack of Blake Lively. Even if the mask still bugs me, Green Lantern has been upgraded from Catwoman (an abomination against God and all of his creatures) to X3 (mediocre).

Other WonderCon news: Invincible is going black and may or may not be coming back. Warren Ellis is joining the Largely Superfluous, Not so Secret Avengers. TMNT is coming to IDW at a time TBD.

DC unveiled some Flashpoint designs, including the Martian Manhunter as a bug, Wonder Woman as the Black Knight, and Aquaman as a younger, blonder version of Roy Scheider in SeaQuest DSV.

David Tennant, the Tenth Doctor, had a daughter with his girlfriend Georgia Moffett, who played the Doctor's Daughter in the fourth series episode The Doctor's Daughter. Wrap your head around that one.

Idiot's Guide Presents: Characters That Should Have Stayed Dead

Resurrections have become a common trope in the comic book industry. Often, characters are killed off in a hyped up moment only to return months after their deaths with little to nothing to do after the initial resurrection storyline. Let's take a look at a couple of characters that would have been better off staying in the ground.

kidflashKid Flash: Bart Allen was aged, killed and resurrected in the lead up to Final Crisis.
Since then, he's....basically done nothing of interest. He moped when his grandfather came back to life, joined the Teen Titans as a stalwart background character and got beat by a dog in a race around the world. Now, he's acting like a pervy creeper in Teen Titans, soliloquizing about how he wants to jerk off to a picture of some random Indian girl with her dead parents. Death apparently does sickening things to one's sexual appetites.

deathofcapSteve Rogers
: Marvel decided to put a few bullets in Cap to shake things up in the Marvel universe. Unfortunately, those bullets were time bullets, leading the world to suffer through the largely terrible Captain America: Reborn. Now, he's the commander of Marvel's heroes, a job that entails people evoking your name once an arc in every book and leading the Largely Superfluous, Not so Secret Avengers. Steve is literally gathering dust, waiting for someone at Marvel to kill Bucky (again) so that he can punch Nazis in the face again while wearing wings on his head.

: Another victim of Infinite Crisis, Jade was brought back in Brightest Day to participate in Robinson's Justice Grouping of Also-Rans and get mind-controlled every freakin' arc. Seriously, she's a massive liability for a team that relies on Donna "No One Ever Gave a Shit about Me" Troy and Congorilla to do most of their heavy lifting.

Kitty Pryde
: While she was technically never dead, getting permanently stuck to a space bullet seemed to be a fitting end to the fan-favorite character. That is until Magneto pulled the bullet from billions of light years away and somehow separated her from the metal she was fused to. Now, she's sitting in a space suit popping up every once in a while reminding people that she's no longer dead. Like every other X-Man not named Wolverine or Cyclops, she's basically a background character.

There's plenty more that could be added to this list.  Donna Troy, Heimdall, Mockingbird and Captain Marvel (who was only sort of resurrected and promptly killed off again) spring to mind.  Feel free to add your own additions to the list below.

The Book of Mammon: Batman vs. Superman

A new feature to Idiot's Guide Weekly, Mammon the Fool Breaker drops bombs of truth on the unsuspecting masses. Mammon is a newer comic book fan that brings ages of experience and a...unique perspective on the comic book industry.

Today, Mammon answers the age-old question of "Who would win in a fight: Superman or Batman?" as well as a takes a few gentle digs at Marvel.

Well, I don't think either of these characters are Marvel, so that makes it a little more challenging.

Superman is lame; he is so over the top powerful it takes all the fun out of reading about him. I like my hero to overcome obstacles not blown past them with ease.

On the other hand, Bats spends every waking moment collecting all things Anti-Superman. Some people collect coins, stamps or even comics. But not Batman! He hoards objects and weapons to murder his good buddy Superman with, if Batman so wished it.

I must say, that if Batman fought Superman, Batman would stomp him.

Footnote: El Hulk may be too ladylike to face-off with Namor, but Batman would take down the Sub-Mariner with ease.

Footnote 2: Beast from X-Men... Blue Hulk? Come on Marvel, got any new ideas?

The Comics (There Be Spoilers Below!):

April Fools' of the Week: Pete and MJ get back together! And MJ's Pregnant!
(Age of X: Universe)
Moment of the Week
: Thanos holds the Soul Gem. (Avengers #11). While this was easily the week's worst comic due to John Romita, Jr.'s obese Watcher filling every page with his doughy frame, the final page made the atrocious art almost worth it. You can't have an Infinity Gem storyline without Thanos....although I'm willing to bet that it's an illusion of some sort since Thanos was last seen trapped in a collapsing Cancerverse.

Comic of the Week: American Vampire #13: Rafael Albuquerque's art shines as always in the latest issue of one of the best books on the market. It's really impressive how Snyder has created such a deep world in the course of thirteen issues.

Surprise of the Week: Wolverine #7. Wolverine has been a pretty enjoyable read (albeit with a disgusting lack of stabbing). This issue highlights how an X-Title should be done, utilizing a wide cast of characters without getting bogged down and throwing in a couple of surprises along the way.

Best Character of the Week: Guy Gardner (Green Lantern: Emerald Warriors #8). Guy Gardner: Exposing hypocrisy and shooting hockey pucks at Hal Jordan's face since 1968.

Worst Character of the Week
: Steve Rogers (Secret Avengers #11). Rogers obviously never saw Inception before hopping into a bad guy's dreams. Otherwise, he would have known to not draw attention to himself, lest the dreamer becomes aware of his presence. Now, his continued lack of pop culture knowledge could cost him dearly. Jesus, Steve, you still don't know what a Myspace is, do you?

Other comics of note:

Butcher Baker: The Righteous Maker #1: I counted 29 fully exposed breasts and one penis doorknob in this comic. Also, I think something happened in the book, but I can't remember.

Godzilla: Kingdom of Monsters: You know what would have improved this book? Twenty-nine fully exposed breasts and a penis doorknob.

President Obama: Weak on Monster Control
(Paid for by the Republican National Party)

Scarlet #5
: The revolution has begun. For all the awfulness of Bendis' main Avenger title, Scarlet proves that the Great One is still more than capable of producing excellent comics.

Action Comics #899: I don't really see the need to bring Phantom Zone monsters into this. Disappointing climax after a (mostly) enjoyable arc.

Do not attempt to motorboat the Demon. You might lose an eye.

Teen Titans #93
: Teenage pissiness! Teenage creepiness! Cone-boob goblins! There's not enough words to describe how shitty this book is. Dropped.

Amazing Spider-Man #657
: Dan Slott's strongest writing has always featured the Fantastic Four. This issue was no exception.

Black Panther: Man Without Fear #516
: David Liss sure knows how to lay a surprise or two in the midst of his action packed run. Excellent work as always.

Justice Society of America #49
: Somehow, everything feels right in the world now that the JSA is all together again.

Everything Else (Musings and whatnot):

If you have a question you'd like to ask Mammon, just leave a comment or send them to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Column next week will definitely not be out until Sunday. It might soon become the official release day for new installments of IGW.

Having read Nonplayer last week, I can say with absolute certainty that it can probably win Comic of the Month on art alone. The story is promising as well.

March's Comic of the Month will be announced next week after I get my hands on a copy of the Jimmy Olsen Special.

Next Week: Uatu the Watcher comes clean about his recent weight gain!

Written or Contributed by: BlueStreak

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About the Author - Christian

Christian is the exasperated Abbott to the Outhouse's Costello. When he's not yelling at the Newsroom for upsetting readers or complaining to his wife about why the Internet is stupid, he sits in his dingy business office trying to find new ways to make the site earn money. Christian is also the only person in history stupid enough to moderate two comic book forums at once.


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