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Idiot's Guide Weekly: The Watcher's Weight Problem

IGW brings in a fake doctor to diagnose The Watcher's weight problem!  Plus, news, comics and more!


Welcome to a weekly column summarizing the good, the bad and the ugly that occurred throughout the week in comics. With fifty billion websites covering all the minutia of the comic industry and dozens of comics hitting the shelves, it's about time that someone has the stones to take it all in and regurgitate it like a mother bird to her chicks. Idiot's Guide Weekly will cover pertinent news, the best and worst comics of the week, and anything else worth mentioning in a jovial and mocking manner. So enjoy it while it's fresh: Idiot's Guide Weekly aims to please.

The News:

Top News Story of the Week: March sales figures are in, showing a mixed bag of results. On the plus side, there was a 20% increase in sales from last month, largely due to the double shipping of two key titles and the emergence of FF #1 as the month's top seller. However, sales fell 5% from last year, in part due to a weak month in the graphic novel section. Here's to hoping Fear Itself will turn the ship around and help make up for the 7.81% YTD decrease in sales.

On a happier note, some new comics will be coming out in the next couple of months. Ed Brubaker will be releasing a Captain America and Bucky title focusing on the duo's exploit during the World War II. Meanwhile, St. Nick Spencer of the MGS will be releasing a three issue Cloak and Dagger miniseries that ties into the Spider-Island minievent. Personally, I'd much rather see a Cloak and Dagger series set in World War II, but this will have to do.

Deadpool: The Movie has a director. Tim Miller joins the proud ranks of Pitof (Catwoman), Rob Boweman (Elektra) and Tim Story (Fantastic Four) as a director of a comic book adaptation that is absolutely guaranteed to be a hit. Way to make a name for yourself, Timmy!

An Idiot's Guide Daytime Talk Show: Uatu's Weight Problem

Originally, this feature was going to poke fun at Uatu's recent weight gain in the pages of Avengers. However, with Uatu's appearance in Fear Itself, IGW became aware that Uatu might be engaging in seriously destructive behavior. Therefore, IGW hired the best non-licensed television psychologist that we could find and brought Uatu in for some tough love.

IGW: Welcome back to the show. Our next guest is a giant alien with disproportionate features and a vow to observe and record the goings on of the entire flippin' universe. In fact, he's been standing here behind me the entire time. Everyone, please welcome Uatu, the Watcher!

[polite audience clapping]

IGW: So, Uatu, you're a Watcher, which means that you have the creepiest job in the universe. How do you feel about always peepin' in on everyone else's business?

Uatu: I am here to observe and record, not to molest.

IGW: So you're okay with filleting a buffalo, but you're not okay with castrating a bear? That's good to know.

[audience boos]

Uatu: I do not know what any of those words mean.

IGW: Hey, now. You don't come into other people's rodeos and ride their broncos!

Uatu: I do not understand. There are no horses here.

[audience boos louder]

IGW: Well, Uatu, the reason you're here is to talk about your weight problem.

Uatu: Weight problem? I was told that Oprah was to be assassinated today. That is why I am here.

IGW: Well...it was the only way to get you here to discuss your weight problems.  Do you recognize this picture?

rounduatu

Uatu
: ... That is me.

IGW: That's you from this Wednesday!  And do you recognize this?

fatuatu

Uatu
: ... That is also me.

[audience gasps dramatically]

IGW: And that's you from last week! Do you see what the problem is? It looks like there's a whole lot of chunky on your potted plant.

Uatu: That expression makes no sense.

IGW: What I'm saying is that you've lost an awful lot of weight in one week. It's the difference between a banana and a flippin' anvil!

Uatu: Your analogies make no sense. I only observe and report, my own mass is irrelevant to observing.

IGW: Let's take a look at another picture. Do you know how much you weighed in this picture?

skinnyuatu

Uatu
: My weight cannot be described in mortal terms.

IGW: You don't need to bake a pie in order to go to prison. You got that?

[audience claps and cheers]

Uatu: I truly do not understand what is going on. I am only here to observe.

IGW: Well, I observe a drastic weight change. You probably puked it all out like a rhinoceros during springtime!

Uatu: Rhinoceroses mate during springtime. They do not vomit.

IGW: You're setting a bad example! What about all those who watch you? You think that they enjoy you wasting your life away like a rusty nail in a kitty cat?

Uatu: I have observed many things during my time. Never before have I heard anything quite as stupid as this.

IGW: Listen, you either need to get up or shut up! Control your weight, otherwise it controls you!

[audience cheers]

Uatu: I...

IGW: You need professional rehab! You need to get sent or get bent!

[audience cheers louder]

Uatu: But....

IGW: You need to either eat right or feet fight! And if you're gonna feet fight, then I want to get on those big succulent toes of yours!

[awkward silence]

Uatu: Fuck this noise. Watching Hawkeye sit around and pick his ass with an arrow is more interesting than this. I hope Stilt-Man trips and falls on top of you.

Note: If you have a serious eating disorder, IGW strongly recommends getting professional help from a person with an actual doctorate degree. We do not recommend having a bald lunatic publicly humiliate you with stroke-induced sayings on national daytime television.

The Book of Mammon: Wolverine's Redeeming Feature

A new feature to Idiot's Guide Weekly, Mammon the Fool Breaker drops bombs of truth on the unsuspecting masses. Mammon is a newer comic book fan that brings ages of experience and a...unique perspective on the comic book industry. Today, Mammon explains what Wolverine's best quality is and breaks down the fuzzy Canadians other attributes.

To begin, Michigan sucks.

Wolverine's best aspect is his facial hair, his chops if you will.

wolverine

These babies are more beastly than Beast, and would kill your attempts at facial hair faster than a kiss from Rogue.

Some might argue that his claws are his best feature, I'd say who dosn't have claws nowadays? You can't swing a Ragecat*clawed* and not hit a clawed superhero or villian.

I've provided a list of them for you readers if you really want to know...
http://www.comicvine.com/claws/41-113/

Others would say his uncanny ability to regenerate wounds somewhat like a troll, not the internet kind mind you. But who needs health regen when most characters don't die and are brought back to life several issues later even if they do bit the dust?

When it comes down to it, Wolverine's chops are what set him apart from the rest of Marvel's characters.

The Comics (There Be Spoilers Below!):

Moment of the Week: Thor gets smacked down by his one-eyed father (Fear Itself #1). So shocking! So unexpected! Thank god this wasn't spoiled on the cover lest anyway see it coming!

Comic of the Week: Nonplayer #1: The art is tremendous. I don't know what's more surprising about this comic: the fact that it's Nate Simpson's first work or the fact that the art was entirely drawn and colored in Photoshop.

Surprise of the Week: Uncanny X-Men #534.1: I'm usually a big detractor of Kieron Gillen and can't remember the last time I read something that he enjoyed. If his next issue of Uncanny is as enjoyable as this one, I might be sticking with the X-Franchise for a while longer.

Best Character of the Week: Hercules (Herc #1): Proving that you don't need superpowers to bed hot Greek chicks with anarchist ties.

Other comics of note:

gayroyharper
Roy Harper sportin' a Porn stache and speedo. Classy.
Who is Jake Ellis #3
: Shit is getting real and it is glorious. Add me to the list of people who is glad the book got extended to a full-blown series.

Heroes for Hire #5: The arc gets cleaned up a little too cleanly in my opinion. Still, we get some great characterization of both Paladin and Iron Fist. I'm hoping that the Misty/Iron Fist/Paladin love triangle gets played up in upcoming issues.

Annihilators #2: Rocket Raccoon's quest to free a tree from the woods overshadows the latest chapter of Marvel's space opera. I'm enjoying both parts of the story, although I wish that we could get some ROM action soon....(hint, hint Mattel)

Brightest Day #23: The white ring is a dick, turning heroes into the Planeteers. On the plus side, Black Lantern Swamp Thing was still pretty awesome.

Avengers: The Children's Crusade #5: So....many.....word.....bubbles.

Hello... (New Characters)

The Prince (JSA All Stars #17): He's the crazy son of a Superman-type character who's never going to be heard of after this arc! Yay!

Swamp Thing (Brightest Day #23): Hey, Swamp Thing! Glad to see that you're back in the DCU. I hope that you don't get dragged immediately into a Event tie-in...oh wait.

Comic of the Month: March 2011

jimmyolsen

Jimmy Olsen One Shot


Even though it's partially a reprint of Nick Spencer's original backups, the entire comic reads brilliantly in a whole form. This is the very definition of an amazing comic.

Everything Else (Musings and whatnot)

If you have a question you'd like to ask Mammon, just leave a comment or send them to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

A full Fear Itself review is coming under the Idiot's Guide banner. You'll know why when you see it.

Next Week: Mammon does a dance!


Written or Contributed by: BlueStreak
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About the Author - Christian Hoffer


Christian Hoffer is the exasperated Abbott to the Outhouse's Costello. When he's not yelling at the Newsroom for upsetting readers or complaining to his wife about why the Internet is stupid, he sits in his dingy business office trying to find new ways to make the site earn money. Hoffer is also the only person in history stupid enough to moderate two comic book forums at once.

 


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