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Idiot's Guide Weekly: Comics Get Topical!

IGW pitches new story ideas pulled straight out of the headlines!  Look, Marvel and DC, we can be relevant too!


Welcome to a weekly column summarizing the good, the bad and the ugly that occurred throughout the week in comics. With fifty billion websites covering all the minutia of the comic industry and dozens of comics hitting the shelves, it's about time that someone has the stones to take it all in and regurgitate it like a mother bird to her chicks.   Idiot's Guide Weekly will cover pertinent news, the best and worst comics of the week, and anything else worth mentioning in a jovial and mocking manner.   So enjoy it while it's fresh: Idiot's Guide Weekly aims to please.

The News:

Top News Story of the Week: Superheroes made the news this week when the American media latched on to a short story in Action Comics #900. Luckily, the mainstream media quickly found something even more stupid to latch onto before realizing last night that they actually had jobs to do.

Marvel cartoons, including the 90's X-Men and Spider-Man series, are coming to Netflix this summer.   One can only hope that they're really as awesome as I remember, like every other cartoon from the early to mid 90's!

The Indians are the best team in Major League Baseball. Yes, that has everything to do with comics. (Slow News Week)

Idiot's Guide Presents: Look Everyone, Comics are Topical!

Politics has been on everybody's mind as of late, even superheroes. Just last week, Captain America took down Wikileaks and Superman renounced his U.S. citizenship. Even Godzilla and his friends got in on the action, showing the folly of a border fence between the United States and Mexico.

While I personally hate the idea of mixing current political topics with superheroes, I cannot deny that it seems to attract media attention. With that in mind, IGW has the following suggestions for topical superhero story ideas.


aquaman11
Navy SEALS can outswim Aquaman too.
Osama bin Laden
: In a shocking act of international cooperation, Aquaman joins the Navy SEALS on their momentous raid to the Taliban mansion in Abbottabad. However, upon arriving at the bin Laden compound, Aquaman realizes that Abbottabad is hundreds of miles from the nearest body of water, crippling his already limited abilities.

Job Loss: Tony Stark starts a new company designed to renovate the car industry with alternative energy. (Oops, Marvel already did that!)

Libya:
Batman goes into Libya.  Problem solved. 

1989-batmobile
That's a wind turbine on the front of the car.
Gas prices:
In order to cut down on gas costs, Batman goes green and converts the Batmobile into an electric vehicle. Unfortunately, the new Batmobile only has a range of 100 miles and can only reach speeds of 45 MPH, giving crooks plenty of opportunities to escape Batman's wrath.

Charlie Sheen:
Wolverine makes one too many cracks at Cyclops, leading the Canadian to getting publicly fired.  Wolverine goes nuts and takes his case to the Internet, delighting the world with his Canadian accent and quirky sayings.  Wolverine plans a nationwide tour to capitalize on his popularity.  Unfortunately, the tour isn't very successful and Wolverine goes berzerk and kills dozens when fans begin to boo him. 

   

redskull
Get this hairpiece off of me!
Long Form Birth Certificate
: Skeptics, led by a real estate mogul turned reality television star, demand that Captain America show his long form birth certificate to prove that he was actually born in America, citing a quirk in the U.S. Constitution that states that you can't actually wear an A on your head unless you were born in America. After much hijinkeries and confusion, Captain America discovers that the reality star is actually the Red Skull and punches him in the face. He then goes and kills Osama bin Laden just to stick it to his critics.

Japanese Earthquake: An earthquake devastates Japan. The world gets pissed off at Reed Richards and the other supergeniuses for not inventing something to predict earthquakes and also replace nuclear energy.

Canadians Vote: Alpha Flight gets called in to ensure that the Canadian election goes smoothly.  It does. Alpha Flight remains as pointless as ever.  

US Citizenship: Superman renounces his US citizenship. In retaliation, the United States employs Lex Luthor to build a special wall designed to keep out Kryptonians. Superman realizes the error of his ways too late and is prevented from seeing Lois ever again. Also, Lex Luthor gets Lois drunk and knocks her up, just to really rub it in Superman's face.

odin-marvel
Unlike William, Odin is certainly not balding.
Royal Wedding:
In a grand crossover, Thor, a noble prince and heir to the throne, falls in love with Jane Foster, a commoner. The two decide to wed in a widely publicized and anticipated event after Odin, Lord of the Asgardians gives Midgard lavish gifts in exchange for Jane Foster's purported purity. Some slight scandal erupts when the media learns that Foster had been involved with a sex club in college, but is largely ignored to watch a once in a lifetime event. However, the world discovers too late that Asgardians follow Viking wedding traditions and that Odin had actually paid the world for Foster's virginity, as was customary in ancient Scandinavian society. Upon discovering that the worldwide media had sat on Foster's youthful improprieties, Odin declares war on Midgard, leading into Fear Itself II.

If you're a member of the mainstream media, please contact This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. to set up an interview. If you are from Fox News, please contact my personal assistant at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. . If he resists, feel free to spam his inbox with incessant media requests.

An Idiot's Guide Contest: The Marvel Book of Mammon

We have a winner in the Marvel Book of Mammon Contest! I'll let Mammon take it from here!

I, Mammon The Fool Breaker, have chosen HERC to be my Marvel comic that I will start reading.

I'm not sure what to expect from this comic, but I do know that is has an olympian sized mountian to climb if it wants to live up to my vision of Herakles.

Being a classics major I will be looking for extremly clever referances to original myths, monsters and names that play a major role in his 12 labors. A single quote or funny reference will leave a lasting mark on this comic. It wont have to do much for me to remember this book, but for me to find Herc good, or worthy of the Gods, it has to do a lot with a little!

The fact that Herc will have no super powers also gives me high hopes.Could I get to see the Bow of Herakles in action? Maybe even pelt of the Nemean Lion?

Good luck Herc...

ps- Disney's Hercules is one of my absolute favorite movies. Just had to say that.

pps- If Hades is the Villian of Herc, I will kill something.

ppps- If this comic is anything like Clash of the Titans I will kill myself.

IGW Note: IGW condones neither murder nor suicide...unless we're talking about the original Hobgoblin, who was unspeakably lame. Way to do the world a favor, Dan Slott!

The Comics (There Be Spoilers Below!):

Moment of the Week: Ultron is back on Earth via a Spaceknight who may or may not be ROM. (Avengers #12.1) Mind you, I'm pretty sure this would have had a little more significance had it not been foreshadowed six issues ago. But...yay, Ultron!

1gw162
That alien is totally flashing gang signals at you, John. I told you not to wear those colors in these parts!
Comic of the Week
: Justice League: Generation Lost #24. What a tough week to pick.   There were at least three or four comics that could have earned the honor. However, Generation Lost gets the nod since it's the last issue.   I'm looking forward to the upcoming Justice League International series.

Surprise of the Week: Amazing Spider-Man #659. Slott just knows how to write a damned good Fantastic....Foundation. This was the most fun comic I've read last month.

Best Character of the Week: Anguirus (Godzilla: Kingdom of Monsters #2) Anguirus just showed how complex of an issue border control can be. I hear the next issue will focus on the monster's attempt to show the effect that welfare has on our economy.

Worst Character of the Week: Magneto (Uncanny X-Men #536). Magneto apparently never watched X-3. Otherwise, he would have known to watch out for those pesky cure needles.

Panel of the Week:
igw163
Other comics of note:

Morning Glories #9: Twin Mix-ups? Gratuitous violence? Sounds like the plot of Parent Trap 2!

igw161
It's not gratuitous if no one is looking.
Flash #11
: Barry Allen gets an intervention for being on speed. Or for not spending time with his extended family. One of the two. It was hard to pay attention.

Justice Society of America #50: Hey, look it's a DC anniversary issue that shows the United States government as heavy-handed and attempt to force superheroes to fall into line! Where have we seen one of those before?

Action Comics #900: Oh, yeah. Right here.

Secret Avengers #12: And so Ed Brubaker's run begins as it started, with a whimper. I, for one, welcome St. Nick to the title.

Green Lantern: Emerald Warriors #9: This was just a weird issue. The Multicolored Lanterns of Earth find one of Ridley Scott's aliens and then splits up for no real reason.

Venom #2: How is it that I'm only two issues in and already feel like I'm missing something? This was not a good use of in medias res. High school students, take notes.

American Vampire #14: Another great chapter in the series. Why aren't you reading this book?

Hello (New Characters):

John Constantine (Brightest Day #24): He looks a little younger and less extreme than the last time we saw him...

David the African Batman (Batman Incorporated #5) No one's going to notice the dude dressed like a bat on the top of a one-story building in the middle of the day, right? Good start to African Batman

Goodbye (Dead Characters):

Age of X: Well, it was fun while it lasted (for three months)...

Everything Else (Musings and whatnot)

April's Comic of the Month, coming next week.

Wally West will be making an appearance soon in IGW. You have been warned.

Next Week: A report detailing what we know about Flashpoint thus far! (Three weeks running!)


Written or Contributed by: BlueStreak
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About the Author - Christian Hoffer


Christian Hoffer is the exasperated Abbott to the Outhouse's Costello. When he's not yelling at the Newsroom for upsetting readers or complaining to his wife about why the Internet is stupid, he sits in his dingy business office trying to find new ways to make the site earn money. Hoffer is also the only person in history stupid enough to moderate two comic book forums at once.

 


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