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Idiot's Guide Weekly: Geoff Johns Hates Redheads

IGW proves that Geoff Johns hates redheads.  Plus comics, news and more!


Welcome to a weekly column summarizing the good, the bad and the ugly that occurred throughout the week in comics. With fifty billion websites covering all the minutia of the comic industry and dozens of comics hitting the shelves, it's about time that someone has the stones to take it all in and regurgitate it like a mother bird to her chicks. Idiot's Guide Weekly will cover pertinent news, the best and worst comics of the week, and anything else worth mentioning in a jovial and mocking manner. So enjoy it while it's fresh: Idiot's Guide Weekly aims to please.

The News:

Top News Story of the Week: Thor waved his hammer around and stuck it to some Bridesmaids in the box office. Boom.

Female Ghost Rider. It's happening.

DC Solicitations are out for August. Did you know they have an event going on this summer? Because....they do.

An Idiot's Guide Feature: Geoff Johns Hates Gingers

Wally West previously appeared in IGW a few months ago whining and moaning about his lack of appearances in the DCU as of late.  Now he's back and whining about a topic that no one cares about: the treatment of redheads in comic books.

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My name is Wally West. I'm a ginger.
My name is Wally West. You might remember me since I've been the Flash for longer than BlueStreak has been alive. I have a wife, two kids and have been a member of both the Teen Titans and the JLA. I've saved the world, touched Power Girl's ass and done unspeakable things to countless models at superspeed. I've made Superman cry, Batman laugh and made Hawkman die and come back as an asshole. However, today, I'm here to talk to you about an issue near and dear to my heart, namely Geoff Johns' unconditional hatred of gingers.

Gingerism is a genetic condition primarily identified by bright plumes of miscolored hair. Us gingers don't have it easy. We are feared, hated, mistreated and abused. Our men are mocked and our women called firecrackers in bed. It's a hard life, but we've managed to slowly make a mainstream presence within the comic book industry. Stan Lee was an early advocate of gingers, putting the likes of Jean Grey, Mary Jane Watson and Volstagg into the Marvel Universe in nonthreatening positions to allow the world to grow accustomed to us. DC followed suit, adding in young gingers as sidekicks to show how nonthreatening we were.

Over the years, gingers have slowly become a sizable minority in the superhero universe. While we aren't as numerous as minority legacy heroes, we're getting there. There are many of us gingers in the DC Universe. For a time, we had redhead Green Lanterns, redhead Flashes, red-colored Supermen, and a Red Hood. We were thriving in number until Geoff Johns showed up. Since Johns arrived, he's been systematically been eliminating gingers from the DC Universe one by one.

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Tasmanian Devil: Killed in Justice League: Cry for Justice
Johns began to kill off minor characters that no one cared about. Have you ever heard of Nemesis? The second one? She was a redhead who died in the pages of JSA. No one really noticed or cared when she died. However, she was the first ginger that Johns killed. Once he started, we found that he could not stop.

My good friend Ralph Dibny was next, killed in the pages of 52. Ralph was the best of us gingers, always stretching and making a joke. Thanks to Johns and his goon Brad Meltzer, Ralph's wife was killed by a flamethrower and Ralph got his wedding ring shot through his heart.

Ralph was not the only ginger eliminated in 52. Vic Sage, the first and original Question was also a ginger. Due to his special Question Gas, no one realized that under that blue fedora and blank face were freckles and bright plume of red hair. Although it is widely believed that Greg Rucka actually killed the Question, recent evidence suggested that it was actually Johns, who thought he could cover up his conspiracy by replacing Vic with a buxom lesbian "redhead" Batwoman. Once Ralph and Vic were killed, the rumors had begun to spread on the ginger message boards. At first, it was simply dismissed as scuttlebutt and coincidence, but then the evidence began to mount up.

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Forensic evidence indicates that Geoff Johns actually pulled the trigger.
From there, Johns began to pick us gingers off one by one. Orion and Anthro were killed off in Final Crisis. Holly Granger and Owen Mercer were killed in Blackest Night. Sheyara Hall was brought back to life only to get killed AGAIN in Brightest Day. And who was behind each and every single one? Geoff Johns (or Grant Morrison, who's almost definitely Geoff Johns from Earth 3 or something).

Now there are only a few of us left in the DC Universe. Cyclone's book, JSA All-Stars, was just cancelled to make way for a Flashpoint (Johns' latest "event") tie-in. Arsenal lost his daughter, his arm and his sobriety thanks to Johns. Now he snorts crack and beats hookers with dead cats. Oracle went underground, using Batman Inc. to fake her death in a much-publicized Birds of Prey storyline. Mera has been personally placed under house arrest by Johns himself, placed into a loveless marriage with Aquaman until he stabs her with one of those hook hands of his. What's that? He doesn't have hook hands? Give Johns six issues and not only will he have two hook hands, he'll also have a retractable hook penis to skewer her with! The only ginger we know to be safe is Guy Gardner, allegedly due to some pictures he took of Geoff Johns and his blowup Superboy-Prime doll.

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Who watches the dead redheads? Geoff Johns. (By the way, this redhead is dead, too.)
And then there's me, Wally West. My new series was cancelled before an issue was solicited, one of my kids lost his powers and I've been forced to become a temp to pay the bills. You know what it's like to be a temp member of Batman Incorporated? It pays like shit!

So why have I come before you today? Geoff Johns has begun to write a new event called Flashpoint. Like many of you, I was hopeful that I'd show up for a bit. Then I became annoyed, thinking that I wouldn't show up at all. Now, I believe that my life is in danger. My phone calls to DC have gone unanswered, my agent refuses to respond to my emails and Dan Didio only giggles like a madman drunk on bloodlust when I walk by his office.

I fear my life is in danger and so now I'm turning to you, the fans who have stood by me all this time. I talked to my friend Hal Jordan about the best way of using the fanbase to its fullest advantage and he suggested starting an online fan group with a catchy name.  He credited the fine people at H.E.A.T. for his resurrection and recent success.

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Soon, pudgy Jean Grey will be all that's left. Just kidding! She's dead too.
So, my friends, I present to you the redhead preservation group, E.G.G.S. E.G.G.S stands for Endangered Gingers, Get Some, which represents the need for better representation of redheads in comics before Geoff Johns kills us all off. Our five-year plan is to force Dan Didio and the executives at Time Warner to sign a fifteen-year moratorium on killing redheads in comic books and to triple the amount of redheads in DC comic books by 2020. We'd also like to see a wholesale resurrection of our fallen comrades and the establishment of the Redhead Scholarship Fund, to provide education to writers and artists sympathetic to the ginger plight, but they're of secondary importance to the preservation of the precious few redheads left in the DC Universe.

Gingers are currently the third most rare type of character in the DC Universe today. Only black female superheroes and We're all but wiped out due to the careless and shortsighted actions of Geoff Johns and his cronies. Please join me in my quest to preserve redheads before it's too late. E.G.G.S represents the best that the Internet has to offer. A strong group of E.G.G.S could prevent my death and even propel me back into the spotlight over Bowtie McBoring, Barry Allen. Help me, Internet, you're my only hope!

Wally has apperantly started a facebook page.  Like it here.

The Book of Mammon: The Best 5 Things about DC.

Whenever DC is attacked in IGW, Mammon is here to pick up the pieces. What are the five things you're looking forward to the most in the coming months?

1. Aquaman #1, If you don't know by now that I am a huge, giant, mega fan of Aquaman then you havn't been surfing the News stand threads enough. With Johns in the driver seat i'm about to go on the ride of my life.

2. Red Lantern Corps book. Though we still don't have a set date when this will come out, the idea of Guy Gardner being out of the GLC is just too good to pass up.

*I'm assuming Guy Gardner becomes a Red Lantern at the end of War of Green Lanterns story arc.

3. Flashpoint! Issue one kicked more ass than a squad of Angry Marines. With Emperor Aquaman on the way and even more "Batman", next month cannot get here fast enough.

4. DC still not being Marvel. As I already said elsewhere Fear Itself is going to have a hard time being better than Flashpoint. This fuels my hate for Marvel even higher, even if my girlfriend has started reading Marvel just to spite me.

5. More IGW bashing of DC comics. BlueStreak is just far too clever for his own good. I can't stop myself from laughing at DC when he points out some of their mistakes like Superman still being alive or Wonder Woman in general.

The Comics (There Be Spoilers Below!):

Moment of the Week: Carlie Cooper gets a tattoo and Peter Parker gets laid. (Amazing Spider-Man #660) Peter Parker continues his victory lap around the Marvel Universe, catching up on the twenty years where he was needlessly monogamous to a girl he wasn't married to. Next up: Female Ghost Rider

Comic of the Week: Moriarty #1: Let's hope this is the first of a long and happy series. Good, dense, smart storytelling and gorgeous art. This is why God made comics.

Surprise of the Week: Flashpoint #1: Shockingly not terrible, even if it was devoid of redheads (there was one who showed up for two panels and he was the most ridiculously dressed character in the book). More of a review tomorrow tonight.

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Which one of these characters was designed by a five year old? Hint: It's the kid in jeans and a ski mask.


Other comics of note:

Fear Itself: Youth in Revolt #1: McKeever may be devoid of a soul, but he sure knows how to write a good comic book. Norton's not too bad of an artist either.

Unwritten #25: It's neat to see the gang back together. Good setup for the newest arc.

FF #3: A Symposium on How to Kill Reed Richards? Sign me up.

New Avengers #12: God, Chaykin's art is fugly. Also, still have no idea what the hell Old New Avengers has to do with New New Avengers.

X-Men Legacy #248: Mike Carey is bringing Havok, Polaris and Rachel Summers back. Sweet!

Hello (New Characters):

Black Bat (Batman Incorporated #6): That noise you hear is the sound of all ten of Cassie Cain's fans cheering.

Goodbye (Dead Characters):

Hot Persuit (Flash #12)

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 What do you call a dead Barry Allen? A good start.


Everything Else (Musings and whatnot)

A full Flashpoint review tomorrow!

Do you live in Columbus? Do you like comics? Do you want to support local talents? Then join C-4, the Columbus Comics Creator Coalition. Our kickoff charity event is on June 4th at What the Rock?! in the Short North. Contact This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. for more information.

Next Week: More event nonsense!

Written or Contributed by: BlueStreak
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About the Author - Christian Hoffer


Christian Hoffer is the exasperated Abbott to the Outhouse's Costello. When he's not yelling at the Newsroom for upsetting readers or complaining to his wife about why the Internet is stupid, he sits in his dingy business office trying to find new ways to make the site earn money. Hoffer is also the only person in history stupid enough to moderate two comic book forums at once.

 


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