In this edition of IGW, a kitten destroys an event comic! Which one? Click to find out! Plus, Mammon, news, reviews and more!
Welcome to a weekly column summarizing the good, the bad and the ugly that occurred throughout the week in comics. With fifty billion websites covering all the minutia of the comic industry and dozens of comics hitting the shelves, it's about time that someone has the stones to take it all in and regurgitate it like a mother bird to her chicks. Idiot's Guide Weekly will cover pertinent news, the best and worst comics of the week, and anything else worth mentioning in a jovial and mocking manner. So enjoy it while it's fresh: Idiot's Guide Weekly aims to please.
Top News Story of the Week: Wonder Woman is dead. Our dignity is secure.
Rumors continue to swirl about the upcoming changes brought on by Flashpoint. My bet? Wonder Woman decides to play for the other team. And by other team, I mean Marvel.
Marvel Solicitations can be found here. No big surprises, sadly.
IGW COLISIEUM: FLASHPOINT VS. FEAR ITSELF
In the ancient Coliseum of Rome, gladiators fought for sport in winner take all battles. Also, lions were occasionally involved and they sometimes had lazers. In the IGW Coliseum, two comics will duke it out in a winner take all battle. To prove that this shit matters, the losing book will be fed to my kitten, who has a knack for eating comics. Because he's a terrifying little fuck who destroys thing for sport. Here's an example:
In this installment, event will clash against event! In one corner, we have Fear Itself, featuring hammers and tie-ins to two Marvel movies this summer! In the other corner, we have Flashpoint, which cameos Battle Cat from He-Man.
Fear Itself: A knockoff Red Skull frees a knockoff All-Father who releases knockoff hammers upon the world. Chaos ensues.
Flashpoint: Barry Allen wakes up and discovers his mom's alive. He also discovers that someone else is porking his wife. And Batman is like 60 and throws blonde hookers off of skyscrapers.
Analysis: While knockoffs are cheap and easy, so is Barry's mom. Also, who wouldn't want to throw blonde nutjobs off of skyscrapers?
Fear Itself: Matt Fraction and Stuart Immonen. While Fraction's writing has recently been uneven, Immonen's art is pretty damn fantastic.
Flashpoint: Geoff Johns and Adam Kubert. While Johns' writing has recently been uninspired, Kubert's art is pretty damn fantastic.
Analysis: Writers who have been off their game as of late coupled with grade A artists. This is basically a wash.
Fear Itself: So far, it's been all about the once and future Captain America, Steve Rogers.
Flashpoint: Barry Allen, the Fastest Man most people wish wasn't alive, has been running the show here.
Analysis: Cap used to be the leader of the Avengers. Barry Allen once played a joke on the JLA where he dressed up a wooden board in his Flash costume and left it in the Hall of Justice. No one noticed the difference.
WINNER: FEAR ITSELF
Fear Itself: Zero
Analysis: Luckily, my years of math experience have prepared me for this one.
Fear Itself: None. Every plot point so far has been spoiled by Marvel's promotional items.
Flashpoint: Batman is actually Thomas Wayne?! Egads, it's the twist that no one saw coming or cared about!
Analysis: Even a lame surprise is better than no surprise at all.
Stupidest Moment Thus Far
Fear Itself: Steve Rogers gets hit by a brick during a riot over the 9/11 Mosque, closely followed by Tony Stark's immortal "You can't punch a recession" comment.
Flashpoint: Wonder Woman has castrated all of England's men. Because nothing says "I hate men" like cutting off their balls.
Analysis: While Wonder Woman's Bob Barker-esque viewpoints is rather silly, it at least opens the door for hardcore lesbian action. You know what doesn't? The inability to punch a recession.
Fear Itself: Fear Itself has been your typical Marvel event. Bright colors. Big explosions. Little plot.
Flashpoint: Flashpoint hasn't acted like an event at all. It's an Elseworlds story with one character from the real DC world mixed in.
Analysis: Fear Itself is your typical event. There are bad guys. There are good guys and there are explosions. Flashpoint at least offers the possibility of something different. Even if that something different is a Battle Tiger.
IGW COLISEUM WINNER: FLASHPOINT
As for the loser... (the comic, not the idiot dressed up in a toga in his kitchen)
IGW calls for the losing comic to be thrown to the kitten.
The kitten stares at his prey....
The Book of Mammon: Mammon, Marvel Breaker.
Hey, DC won something! Let's celebrate with a little bit of Mammon!
By now I'm assuming everyone on The Outhouse knows about my intense burning hatred for all things Marvel and refusal to give money to those thieves for anything*. I also mentioned last week, my girlfriend has decided to start reading Marvel comic books just to spite me.
So far, this little stunt she is pulling has only strengthened my resolve against the monster that is Marvel. So hah!
With a little help from a local comic book store employee she started picking up Mighty Thor, Avengers and some X-men title accompanied by an adjective like amazing or ultimate. (I really don't know and I don't really care.) She has read them and I'll be finding out soon if she liked them enough to pick up a second issue in each.
With summer break rapidly approaching my fear that I will soon be drowning in Marvel books is a real one. Once she no longer has any college classes to take up most of her free time she'll be able to catch up on her comic book reading. At an earlier point in my life I thought this would be a good thing! But that point is gone now, never to return thanks to Marvel. Example, she demands to read each issue of Walking Dead before I do, and she is reading about one a week during school. When summer arrives, Gods willing, she will catch up to the current issue in a few days. But now all that potential free time is a double edged sword. She is going to read more Marvel too. The thought alone makes my stomach turn. I don't know what I'll do if she starts reading Spider Man or an even more chilling prospect... Hulk. Marvel seems to have a special mini-series tie in to Fear Itself that only I am reading, and JazzyJessica34 has found her Hammer with which to break me, Mammon, Fool Breaker, with.
I'll stop there so that I can go purge myself of this Marvel taint.
Long live Hal Jordan, The greatest Green Lantern of them all.
*This excludes, Fear Itself and HERC. They are alright. For now...
The Comics (There Be Spoilers Below!):
Moment of the Week: The city of Paris gets petrified and destroyed by the Grey Gargoyle (Invincible Iron Man #504). What do you call a city full of dead, stone French people? A good start.
Comic of the Week: Rocketeer Adventures #1: The credits read like a cast of Comic All-Stars. John Cassaday, Mike Allred, Mike Mignola and Kurt Busiek. The comic reads even better. Do yourself a favor and pick this book up!
Surprise(s) of the Week: Gates of Gotham #1/ X-Men Giant Size #1: I couldn't decide between a story with awesome art and pretty good storytelling (Giant Size X-Men) and a book with awesome storytelling and pretty good art (Gates of Gotham). So I picked both.
Worst Character of the Week: Hawkeye/Spider-Woman (Avengers #13) And now we know why Bendis brought back Hawkeye in House of M: To hook up with a superheroine with more issues than Action Comics. God, I hope Gorgonzola, Breaker of Stupidity smashes Hawkeye in the nuts with a giant hammer.
Other comics of note:
Herc #3: Pak and Van Lente find a nifty way to tie into Fear Itself while maintaining the hilarity and awesomeness we've come to expect from a Hercules book.
Uncanny X-Force #10: Dark "Doc Brown" Beast tells X-Force that they have to go....Back to the Age of Apocalypse! Dun Dun Dun!!!!
Avengers Academy #14: Doc Ock continues to rub his slowly atrophying balls in the faces of Marvel's smartest. Suck it, Pym.
Batman & Robin #23: Hey, look! Another book with a higher death count than either Fear Itself or Flashpoint!
Goodbye (dead characters):
Morgana (Darkwing Duck #12): The lady love of Double D goes out like a champ, ridding the world of Duckthulu.
Everything Else (Musings and whatnot):
That was a real issue of Fear Itself #2. I'm also pretty sure that comic ink contains hallucogenic properties. The cat was trippin' balls afterwards.
I think next week's column will mention neither Flashpoint or Fear Itself since the last few weeks have featured the books so heavily. I might randomly use code names if I need to bring up either event.
Next Week: Who knows? Guess you'll just have to find out!
Written or Contributed by: BlueStreak
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About the Author - Christian Hoffer
Christian Hoffer is the exasperated Abbott to the Outhouse's Costello. When he's not yelling at the Newsroom for upsetting readers or complaining to his wife about why the Internet is stupid, he sits in his dingy business office trying to find new ways to make the site earn money. Hoffer is also the only person in history stupid enough to moderate two comic book forums at once.
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