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Idiot's Guide Weekly: An Idiot's Guide to Green Lantern

Written by Christian on Tuesday, June 14 2011 and posted in Columns

IGW covers the basic plotline of the new Green Lantern movie!  Plus news, comics and more!

Welcome to a weekly column summarizing the good, the bad and the ugly that occurred throughout the week in comics. With fifty billion websites covering all the minutia of the comic industry and dozens of comics hitting the shelves, it's about time that someone has the stones to take it all in and regurgitate it like a mother bird to her chicks.   Idiot's Guide Weekly will cover pertinent news, the best and worst comics of the week, and anything else worth mentioning in a jovial and mocking manner.   So enjoy it while it's fresh: Idiot's Guide Weekly aims to please.

The News:

Top News Story of the Week: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have arrived to reign ruin at the comic book industry. Jim Lee, Rob Liefeld, Scott Lobdell and Joe Madureira are all gainfully employed producing monthly comics for one of the major two publishers. The 90s are back and more EXTREME than ever.


Evan Dorkin and Jill Thompson's Beast of Burden is being made into a movie. It's a shame it'll fail since dogs can't wear EXTREME SHOULDER PADS, BELT POUCHES AND OVERSIZED GUNS.

On an unrelated note, Aquaman sucks.

Idiot's Guide to Superheroes: Green Lantern (Hal Jordan)

IGW Note:  A week ago, I accepted the challenge of writing a new Idiot's Guide to Superheroes (the predecessor to IGW) focusing on Green Lantern, specifically Hal Jordan.  Unfortunately, this is what I came up with.  "Cocky pilot Hal Jordan got a magic space ring, used it to punch people, went crazy and killed some people and then got better."  So instead, I made up my own version of Hal Jordan, since the original is kind of boring.  Also, there's no mention of Guy Gardner in here...which is why I mentioned him here. 

As you may know, there's a little artsy movie coming out this week called Green Lantern. With a modest budget of five million dollars, Green Lantern starts Joseph Gordon-Levitt as a struggling artist named Kyle Rayner, who pursues the lovely and enchanting Woman in a Refrigerator, played by Zooey Deschanel , with the help of a mysterious green ring that lights up whenever he ingests crack. Is the ring magic? Will Kyle Rayner ever get his Woman in a Refrigerator? Or will he succumb to the mysterious Despotellis virus pillaging his system from sticking one too many needles in between his toes?

Hal Jordan likes to wear a dainty scarf. Because he's fearless!
Pipe dreams aside, there's a real movie called Green Lantern coming out. It stars Ryan "Sexiest Man Alive" Reynolds and Blake "Sexiest Wooden Plank Alive" Lively and has more CGI than Avatar and Toy Story's bastard movie child.   Warner Bros., the parent company of DC, is hoping that Green Lantern becomes popular enough to justify making more movies about other DC heroes not named Batman or Superman.  The only problem is that most people outside of nerd culture has never heard of a Green Lantern outside of the punchline of a joke on that sitcom about nerds and the hot girls that have pity sex with them. 

So what's this Green Lantern thing about?  The Green Lantern Corps are a bunch of space cops who patrol space and prevent shit from hitting the fan with the help of their glowy ring, which emits a light that can be shaped into anything that the user imagines, provided the wearer has enough willpower. Mainly, the Green Lantern Corps hands out speeding tickets and eats space donuts, but occasionally they do really cool stuff, like prevent the destruction of a planet or save a couple's life before they get gunned down in front of their child's eyes. 

Green Lanterns are known for two things: their fearlessness and their tendency to die.  Due to the fact that Green Lanterns aren't scared of anything, they have a tendency to not run away when things are about to crush them into little green bits.  To help expedite recruiting, when a Green Lantern dies, the ring automatically picks a new wearer, looking for the most gullible fearless and idiotic brave lifeform nearby. Governed by a collection of pompous blue Oompa Loompas named the Guardians of
The GLC is well known for it's well-dressed squirrels.
the Universe, the Green Lantern Corps is incredibly diverse, featuring pig aliens, fish aliens, bird aliens, pink aliens and squirrel aliens. However, for most of its history, there was never a human Green Lantern, because humans take anything good in the universe and utterly twist and corrupt it beyond recognition.

That all changed when a Green Lantern named Abin Sur crashed his spaceship in California. Abin Sur had been widely regarded by the rest of the corps to be a bit of an idiot before the accident since he flew a spaceship instead of using his ring to fly in space (Did I mention that the ring allows the user to fly in space? Because it totally does that too). However, when he crashed his spaceship into CALIFORNIA, the entire universe shuddered in horror.

Hal wasn't aiming for his face with that fist...
As Abin Sur lay dying in the desert, his ring sought out a suitable replacement. However, the ring underestimated what a decrepit place California was.  The ring scanned LA Dodgers fans, Kobe Bryant and John Lewis Hawk, the founder of the Outhouse.  Finding no other options, the ring settled on Hal Jordan, a misogynistic adrenaline junkie who liked to masturbate while flying planes and pooping on random women's chests.  Hal was sincerely the best choice of all the humans in California, and possibly the entire West Coast.  And the universe shuddered in fear.   

So what did Hal do with this ring? After emailing a picture of his junk to every sentient creature with an orifice of acceptable size, Hal quickly became the Greatest Green Lantern of them all.  Hal simply could not be stopped.  Manhunter invasion? Hal would overload their collective hard drive with Asian girlyboy porn. Black hole threatening to consume a solar system? Hal would plug it while making racist jokes about other black holes he had encountered.  Something yellow in his path? (Green Lanterns occasionally have a stupid and silly weakness to yellow, later explained away as being a flaw in the battery or the color green or some nonsense like that) Hal would smear his crap all over it to cover up the color and then move it away while sniffing his finger.  The worst part about it was that the Green Lantern Corps just stood there watching, in shock about how unorthodox his actions were. 

Batman using Hal's patented moves against him.
Hal also maintained an active presence on Earth.  He joined the Justice League, defiled Paradise Island, tought the Teen Titans how to play strip poker and caused the X-Men's schism.  Occasionally, Hal would go on cross-country sexfests with his buddy Green Arrow where they'd stop in different cities and see how much trouble they could get into before the Justice League found out and had to run damage control. Batman tried to shut him down after the Batcomputer computed that he was actually the root of all crime on Earth but Hal silenced him by threatening to start a rumor about Batman's relationship with Robin.  Hal was a beloved and respected member of Earth's heroes for years, even if it was whispered that he was participated in a fourway with Martian Manhunter and the Crimson Fox twins.  For years, no one suspected just how big of a creeper Hal was, until he shacked up with a thirteen year old female Green Lantern upon discovering that her planet has a longer relative year than Earth.  He also occasionally slapped her around.

You'd be surprised at how many post-coital shots of Hal and Arisia (the thirteen year old) I found on the internet.
From there, everything that Hal Jordan touched crumbled around him. His mentor, a wise, intelligent, trusted Green Lantern named Sinestro, openly rebelled against the Green Lantern Corps after he caught Hal Jordan seducing an entire planet of seventeen year old virgins without punishment. His off and on girlfriend Carol Ferris became Star Sapphire (villain that shoots pink lasers out of a jewel on her tiara) after she caught him jerking off to a picture of Sarah Jessica Parker riding a horse.   His backup Green Lantern, a pretty cool architect named John Stewart, blew up a planet when he learned that Hal Jordan used his days off to teach inner city youth the easiest way to score hard drugs and prostitutes. Finally, the universe had had enough. Determining that Hal Jordan would cause the universe to collapse in of itself before too much longer, a collection of motley villains, including some idiot robot Superman knockoff and a yellow Hulk blew up his home city Coast City, hoping to kill Hal during his brother's funeral. Unfortunately, Hal had just discovered a twenty-four hour topless buffet in the next state and was too busy snorting crack off of a hooker named Cracky the Crackwhore to show up.

The big-ass mask is there to cover his shame.
Upon discovering that his beloved home city was gone, Hal Jordan lost his marbles. Donning shoulder pads and dying his sideburns white, he renamed himself Parallax and tried to resurrect the entire city with his ring (did we mention that the ring apparently has Jesus powers? Because it supposedly can do that). When the Guardians of the Universe tried to step in, Hal snapped, renamed himself Parallax and killed the entire Green Lantern Corps save for a sole ring that winded up in the hands of struggling artist Kyle Rayner, who was all sensitive and shit and had a tendency to date girls that ended up dying.   Hal then ended up dying when he relit the sun while talking on a cell phone at a gas station.  As penance for the destruction that he had brought upon the world, God himself forced him to become the Spectre and clean up the mess he had left the universe in.

Thus ended the Green Lantern Corps, until Kyle discovered that Hal wasn't actually in control of his actions. Apparently, Hal Jordan was actually infected by an incredibly tenacious STD named Parallax that he had contracted during a trip to Vegas a few years back with his buddies Flash and Aquaman. Kyle stupidly brought Hal back to life, purged Parallax from his system with a hellacious treatment of penicillin and sent the evil, sentient STD off in space where it would never hurt anyone again.

Now Hal Jordan is back to raping and pillaging the DC Universe again, with Kyle Rayner solely responsible for the sorry state that the world is in. Also, Hal discovered other colored Lanterns with awesome names like Atrocious and Larfleeze and turned the universe into a perpetual Lite-Brite display.

So what is Hal Jordan up to now? Well, after DC executives discovered that Hal Jordan has slept with every other character in the DC Universe (Hal had his way with Batman while his back was broken and slept with Superman's corpse), they felt they had no choice but to reboot the DC Universe to a time when Hal Jordan was not such a degenerate. However, early promotional images show a Hal Jordan not wearing a ring on his finger and wielding a Gatling gun that extends from his crotch. So, yeah. Hal Jordan. He's awesome.

The Book of Mammon: GL Movie Review

Now that Hal Jordan has been sufficiently slandered, I'm more than happy to inform you that Mammon will be reviewing the new Green Lantern movie this Wednesday, with counterpoints provided by yours truly.

The Comics (There Be Spoilers Below!):

Moment of the Week: Citizen Cold kills Wally West (Flashpoint: Citizen Cold #1). And now we know what happens to Wally West in the DCnU.

Comic of the Week: Mystery Men #1. The Outhouse tends to choose the books it wants to back wisely. Mystery Men #1 is an early contender for IGW Book of the Year. In case you missed it, here's an exclusive profile of The Operative, the main character of the first issue, with commentary by writer David Liss.

Surprise of the Week: Yes, Tim, those are lady parts. Silly virgin.
Best Character of the Week: Groot (Annihilators #4). Groot's just a bastion of awesome in this issue. Turning wooden killer clowns into allies by germinating them with cuttings himself is a pretty smart move for a tree.

Worst Character of the Week: Wolverine (Wolverine #10): Wolverine is being attacked by an organization comprised of the relatives of all the people he's killed throughout the years. It's kind of hard to fault them when its implied that Wolverine likes to kill people when drunk.

Other comics of note:

American Vampire: Survival of the Fittest #1: Sean Murphy's art is just stupendous as usual. Scott Snyder's not too bad with the fancy words either.

New Avengers #16: So Hawkeye makes the decision to doom his ex/sorta-wife with the curse of immortality and THEN decides that he wants to whore around with Spider-Woman. I hope Wanda castrates him, seriously.

X-Men Legacy #250: They're coming home. They're coming home. The Starjammers are coming home. Let Mike Carey wash away all the muck of Ed Brubaker's shitty Shiar arc.

Batman and Robin #24: I've decided Judd Winick is writing the Red Hood as a more badass hick version of Sawyer from Lost.

The Unwritten #26: Okay, this Madame Rausch character is seriously creepy and pretty awesome at the same time. This is still one of the best books on the shelves today.

Morning Glories #10: It's a bunch of spacey-wacey, wibbly-wobbly time stuff! Or hallucinations. Or both!

Everything Else (Musings and whatnot)

Be sure to come back Thursday for a special edition of IGW, featuring a Green Lantern review!

Next week, we will probably discuss all those DC titles. Sorry, Marvel, you're not trying hard enough to recapture the column's interest.

Two months 'til I'm married. Chances are there won't be a column that week unless we get a guest columnist!

In two days: Green Lantern: The Movie!

Written or Contributed by: BlueStreak

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About the Author - Christian

Christian is the exasperated Abbott to the Outhouse's Costello. When he's not yelling at the Newsroom for upsetting readers or complaining to his wife about why the Internet is stupid, he sits in his dingy business office trying to find new ways to make the site earn money. Christian is also the only person in history stupid enough to moderate two comic book forums at once.


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