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Idiot's Guide Weekly: Of Comic-Cons and Horny Supermen

IGW discusses why a horny Superman is a good thing!  Plus, news, reviews, the second round of the Pull List Death Match and more!


Welcome to a weekly column summarizing the good, the bad and the ugly that occurred throughout the week in comics. With fifty billion websites covering all the minutia of the comic industry and dozens of comics hitting the shelves, it's about time that someone has the stones to take it all in and regurgitate it like a mother bird to her chicks.   Idiot's Guide Weekly will cover pertinent news, the best and worst comics of the week, and anything else worth mentioning in a jovial and mocking manner.   So enjoy it while it's fresh: Idiot's Guide Weekly aims to please.

The News (Comic-Con Edition!):

Here's the Top Seven Stories Coming Out of Comic-Con

7) DC announces that Ryan Choi and Lady Luck will be on the JLA.

6) Marvel takes a page out of DC's book and announces a bi-weekly miniseries focusing on the aftermath of Fear Itself.

5) BKV makes his return to comics with the sci-fi series Saga

4) Vertigo tells IGW to suck it and announces a new ongoing that will spin out of Fables.

3) Defenders confirmed. BlueStreak happy. 

2) Bevy of Marvel television announcements, including new live action Hulk, Cloak and Dagger and Mockingbird series. 

1) The Sixth Gun is to be developed into a six episode Syfy miniseries!   Congratulations to Cullen Bunn and Brian Hurtt, the creators of one of the best comic series on the stands! 

Of Lois and Horny Supermen: An Idiot's Guide Feature 

During the build up to last week's Comic-Con bonanza, DC released two pages from September's Superman: Man of Tomorrow #1 which introduces the new character of Jonathan Carroll. Jonathan Carroll is some sort of television executive who has problems keeping his shirt on and his pants buttoned around Lois Lane. Lois is obviously smitten by his rogueish charms, douche haircut and six-pack abs. Judging by the look on Lois Lane's face during these pages, he's also plays a mean game of "Hide the Salami". 

Jonathan Carroll represents more than Superman's latest competition for the affections and bed of Lois Lane. It represents the return of something sadly missing from the Superman comics for a very long time. It represents the return of the Horny Superman. 

The relationship between Lois and Superman is one of the defining cornerstones of the Superman mythos. While not mentioned in the "Doomed planet. Desperate scientists. Last hope. Kindly couple." summation of the character, Superman's relationship with Lois provides the anchor to humanity that keeps the character grounded and real. As has been shown in multiple stories, including the Superman cartoon episode "Brave New Metropolis", Lois' relationship with Superman is what secures Superman's human aspects and prevents him from turning into a dispassionate, all-powerful alien. Without Lois, there is little motivation for Superman to assume the Clark Kent persona, which is the side of the character that most readers relate to.

In my opinion, the Lois/Clark relationship was best defined during the John Byrne "Man of Steel" era. Byrne's Superman was a confident, bold Superman who not only was invulnerable in battle but also pursued Lois with a certain swagger and confidence that comes from when you can shoot lasers from your eye and deflect bullets with your bulging muscles. It was Clark Kent's self-confidence and dogged determination that won Lois over and ended up leading to their eventual marriage in 1996.

However, from there the relationship stagnated. For the last fifteen years, the writers of Superman and Action Comics have failed to develop the relationship of Lois and Superman beyond the wedding. In fact, when looking at the incredibly accurate and factual "Relationship of Clark Kent and Lois" Wikipedia page, only one paragraph is dedicated to Lois and Clark's relationship after marriage, which focuses entirely on the character of Chris Kent. With the exception of that one plot line in "Last Son", writers have basically ignored the relationship in favor of exploring Superman's interactions with almost every other character in the DCU.

This lack of development in one of the key aspects of both Superman and Lois's characters has caused both to show signs of atrophy. Due to the failure to explore Superman and Lois's marriage, both Superman and Lois have become pale reflections of what the characters were before they were married. Lois is perpetually trapped as support staff to Superman's ongoing campaign to save Metropolis while Superman's humanity is continually in need of examination and reaffirmation, as demonstrated by the recent Grounded arc.

Compared to other relationships in comics, the Superman/Lois relationship is a travesty. While Reed Richards and Sue Storm have never enjoyed a prolonged state of marital stability, the couple has still produced two children and continuously works to build and preserve the relationship. Spider-Man and Mary Jane also worked constantly to preserve the marriage, to the point that the relationship crowded out every other relationship in Spider-Man's life, which of course led to the marriage's dissolution via devil magic. Even Aquaman has a more real relationship with his wife Mera. The first thing that Aquaman did upon being resurrected was sweep Mera away to a lighthouse and show her what the moray eels taught him when he was younger. Geoff Johns has stated multiple times that Mera will be a key component in his attempt to revitalize Aquaman's character, knowing that his relationship with his wife is more relatable than being able to swim very fast or talk to fish. All three characters have more believable and fleshed out relationships with their significant others which only help to make the characters more endearing in an ongoing serial format.

Meanwhile, Superman and Lois's interactions are largely comprised of hushed conversations in cubicles discussing office politics and Lex Luthor schemes and nighttime soirées in the sky that simply recap the events of the last few issues and give Superman more time to reflect on his recent emotions and feelings. Very rarely do we see Superman scoop up Lois and rush her to the bedroom to give her the loving that the sun god Rao wanted her to get. While other characters' relationships are defined by intimacy and growth, Superman and Lois's relationship has been defined over the last fifteen years by longing looks and a sense that distance somehow makes the heart grow fonder.

For whatever reason, the Superman/Lois relationship is something that writers don't care to explore. Maybe they find it boring, maybe they can't relate or maybe they think that Superman should really be with Batman. Whatever the reason, years of stagnation has harmed the character to the point that instead of being capable of doing anything, Superman instead is portrayed as indecisive, introspective and inept in every facet of his life. To be blunt, this is not how a Superman in a successful marriage should be portrayed.   A happily married Superman should be a character that is doubly confident that he can do anything, not wandering around St. Louis trying to reconnect with a city that's best known for the giant half of a McDonald's arch that sullies its skyline and its problematic drunks.

The impending relaunch (and the accompanying second volume of Superman: Earth One) promises the arrival of a new Superman, one who's sexually frustrated and is at least worthy of the mopey characterization that has been thrust onto him in recent years.  Both Grant Morrison and JMS have stated that they want to explore what it means to be Superman sexually. The upcoming volume of Superman: Earth One will feature a twenty-something Kryptonian ball of hormones who's dying to rip into his neighbor but can't for fear of hurting her with his superstrength and penis.   In all honesty, I'm at least curious to see how JMS has Superman come to this conclusion and sure it will provide at least a little amusement.  

Meanwhile, the Superman that'll be presented in Action Comics and Superman: Man of Tomorrow sounds like a Superman who has reason to mope around like an adolescent schoolgirl who just found out Justin Bieber gave Selina Gomez a promise ring. A Superman who's denied the affections of Lois due to the machinations of a shirtless television executive at least has a real reason to walk across America or renounce his citizenship. There's a small part of me that hopes that George Perez will show Superman sneaking into a broom closet to change into Superman only to find Lois necking with a copy editor. I think it would be mildly hilarious to rub it into Superman's face that Lois is hooking up with everything in the office besides him, just to give him more reasons to mope. Forcing Superman to man up and fight for Lois might be just the thing that the character needs to get rid of the doubt and insecurity once and for all.

In my opinion, a horny Superman is a Superman with drive and motivation and is willing to do more than make a few vague half-hearted attempts to keep the romance alive by occasionally swooping in to save Lois when a building is about to fall on her.   A horny Superman is a Superman who still wants Lois and wants to show Lois what he's capable of.   A horny Superman doesn't cry, a horny Superman doesn't pout and a horny Superman might play the field a little bit and give all those Batman/Superman shippers a recent to hope. Plus, a horny Superman is a hilarious Superman that'll at least give the internet more than a few laughs. If we're going to get a mopey Superman, and there's no indication that iteration of the character is going to go away anytime soon, we mind as well as least get a horny Superman to make the character bearable.

Pull List Death Match: Round 2

The first round is over and winners have emerged. Pick your winners this round and see which books make it into the semi-finals! 

American Vampire vs Criminal                

Avengers Academy vs The Unwritten                       

Batgirl vs Demon Knights                       

Batman (Gates of Gotham) vs Uncanny X-Force                    

Detective Comics (Scott Snyder) vs Walking Dead

Captain America vs Who is Jake Ellis

Chew vs X-Men: Schism 

The Comics (There Be Spoilers Below!):

Moment of the Week: Hawkeye and Spider-Woman consummate their unholy union with a kiss after their battle with the Hulk (Avengers #15). May Matt Fraction rip off their arms and impale them with a hammer in the next issue of Fear Itself.

Comic of the Week: Daredevil #1: Holy crap! What a fantastic comic book! Mark Waid is writing a Daredevil who's knowingly trying to turn a new page in his life while demonstrating how hard it is to actually move past the immense piles of crap that has been thrown at Matt Murdoch over the last couple of years

Surprise of the Week: Witch Doctor #2: Calling it now. Brandon Seifert is the next Nick Spencer. This guy has got the goods.

Other comics of note:

Rocketeer Adventures #3: You know, there's a reason why IDW won more Eisners than anyone else. Just sayin'.

Gates of Gotham #3: One of the things that DC has always had on Marvel is the rich history of its fictional cities. Scott Snyder seems to be bringing Gotham to life in the same way that Robinson brought Opal City to life.

Invincible Iron Man #506: When do we get the translations for all the Dwarven curses?

Herc #5: I've become increasingly convinced that Pak and Van Lente can create a great supporting cast out of anything.  

Ultimate Fallout #2: I'm sorry, but the non-Spider-Man stuff doesn't really interest me that much.

War of the Green Lantern: Aftermath #1: If you were reading the War of the Green Lanterns: Aftermath: Outhouse edition, you'll be happy to know that this issue basically vindicated my beliefs on the finale of the crossover. Ha!

Iron Man 2.0 #7: Can you say Defenders set up?

X-Factor #222: This book almost won Book of the Week solely for the appearance for the Werewolf by Night alone.

Everything Else (Musings and whatnot)

IGW has moved to twitter. @OH_IGW. Follow me for fun updates throughout the week!

Managed to fit "Horny Superman" eight times in the column. A noble attempt for sure.

Thank you to all my readers who gave me excuse not to scoop Skittles into little pink boxes. My most humble thanks to you.

Next Week: Snark!

Written or Contributed by: BlueStreak

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About the Author - BlueStreak


Christian Hoffer is the exasperated Abbott to the Outhouse's Costello. When he's not yelling at the Newsroom for upsetting readers or complaining to his wife about why the Internet is stupid, he sits in his dingy business office trying to find new ways to make the site earn money. Hoffer is also the only person in history stupid enough to moderate two comic book forums at once.

 


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