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Idiot's Guide Weekly: The Prides and Pitfalls of Superhero Wedding Planners

Written by Christian Hoffer on Tuesday, August 02 2011 and posted in Columns

IGW discusses the pros and cons of Batman planning your wedding!  Plus news, reviews and more!


Welcome to a weekly column summarizing the good, the bad and the ugly that occurred throughout the week in comics. With fifty billion websites covering all the minutia of the comic industry and dozens of comics hitting the shelves, it's about time that someone has the stones to take it all in and regurgitate it like a mother bird to her chicks.   Idiot's Guide Weekly will cover pertinent news, the best and worst comics of the week, and anything else worth mentioning in a jovial and mocking manner.   So enjoy it while it's fresh: Idiot's Guide Weekly aims to please.

The News:

Top News Story of the Week: 52apolooza is a go! 52apolooza is the Outhouse's biggest feature yet, focusing on September's DC Relaunch. The various festivities will continue throughout September, with a big 52apolooza Contest at the center of it all. For more information, check out here.

There's a new Ultimate Spider-Man in town. The new Spider-Man is half Hispanic and half Black, written by a Jewish man and illustrated by a female. Diversity, everyone!

We have the first pictures of Bane from Dark Knight Rises.

Marvel won a pretty big case against the Kirby estate which secures the rights of the Avengers and several other properties for at least the immediate future. 

The Prides and Perils of Superhero Wedding Planners: An Idiot's Guide Feature

For those of you who are unaware, I'm getting married in ten days. This is the culmination of months of what me and my fiancée refer to as "Wedding Crap". This wedding crap includes picking out flowers, figuring out seating arrangements, working on playlists for the reception and dropping three figures at an overpriced craft store to buy bubbles.

While sitting on the couch the other day scooping candy into little pink boxes, I thought how awesome it would be to have a wedding planner to do all this stuff for me so that I could spend my evening teaching my cats the way of the warrior so that they could crush their enemies and hear the lamentations of their women. Then I realized what would be even more awesome: Batman planning my wedding. 

The following is a list of the pluses and pratfalls to having a superhero plan your wedding.

Batman

Pros

1)     Batman would probably pay for the wedding himself, leaving you to foot only his substantial planning fee.

2)     You could drive away from the church in the Batmobile.

3)     Vendors will cave to your demands after Batman hangs them off the ledge of a skyscraper.

4)     Batman comes with his very own assistant to help make the special day go smoothly, as long as you don't mind that assistant being a twitchy teenaged boy.

Cons

1)     Grandma might not like a batarang as a wedding favor.

2)     Smoke bombs are not an acceptable substitute for rice to throw at the bride and the groom.

3)     Don't let anyone find out that Batman's running the show. Otherwise, every weirdo and kook in the county will show up to try to kill you, your friends and your family

4)     It's not in good form for a guest to wear all black to the wedding. Of course, try telling Batman that. 

Captain America

Pros

1)     Pretty good chance of getting a flyover when you leave the church.

2)     Things will run with military precision.

3)     If the groom gets cold feet, Cap could rally him with a stirring speech about the importance of marriage and how it's his patriotic duty to go out there and put that ring on that girl's finger.

4)     Having the reception at the Howling Commando's HQ totally beats the local VFW.

Cons

1)     The music would all be pre-1945. That's pre-Sinatra for crying out loud.

2)     The theme of your wedding would be "The American Flag". Expect American flags at every table, on every plate and in every centerpiece.

3)     Your first dance would be to the National Anthem.

4)     If the wedding becomes a big event, there's a good chance Bucky will die in it. 

Spider-Man

Pros

1)     Every cool Marvel hero will show up at your wedding. Because Spider-Man knows them all.

2)     You'd have your choice of the Baxter Building, Avengers Mansion, Avengers Tower or Hell's Kitchen as reception venues. Because Spider-Man has the means to book all of them.

Cons

1)     Spider-Man would probably be late to everything. Also, everything would go wrong. Because that's the Spider-Luck.

2)     Some villain would definitely crash the wedding. It would probably be a lame one, like Paste Pot Pete.

3)     Spider-Webs make for lousy wedding decorations.

4)     Your wedding will probably get erased the next time Spider-Man needs to make a deal with the devil.

Aquaman

Pros

1)     The reception would be filled with the finest seafood the Seven Seas have to offer.

2)     A dolphin could officiate your wedding.

3)     Party favors would include gold coins from lost treasure from under the sea.

Cons

1)     Aquaman will somehow get his hand cut off during the cake cutting.

2)     Aquaman will wear his dress speedo to the ceremony. Which is still a speedo.

3)     People will constantly try to make Aquaman drink water, thinking they're saving his life. Eventually Aquaman will get pissed and storm out, marring the reception forever.

4)     You would be mocked for having Aquaman plan your wedding. 

Cable

Pros

1)     MOST. EXTREME. WEDDING. EVER.

2)     The reception will be filled with 90s music.

3)     The bridesmaid dresses will show ridiculous amounts of skin. They will also be wearing impossibly small shoes.

4)     The bride will carry an impossibly large gun down the aisle instead of a bouquet. The bridesmaids will carry slightly smaller, but equally impractical guns.

Cons

1)     Pouches do not go good with a bridal gown.

2)     Neither do impossibly large guns.

3)     The groom will be forced to put on 350 pounds of muscle for the wedding. The bride will have to fit into a size -2 dress.

4)     No one will be able to dance because no one has feet.

Superman

Pros

1)     Oversleep the day of the wedding? No worries. Superman will reverse time and make sure you get up the second time around.

2)     Ma Kent makes the best apple pies for the reception.

3)     Batman will secretly pay for your wedding, because watching Superman flail around and stress about your wedding amuses him.

4)     Superman will cry like a little girl during the ceremony.

Cons

1)     There's a pretty good chance your wedding will be farm-themed.

2)     If Grant Morrison is somehow involved, your wedding will be both iconic and nearly incomprehensible at times.

3)     One day you will wake up to discover that your marriage was a casualty of a universal reboot designed to make your life more accessible for casual readers.

4)     Jimmy Olsen will be your photographer. He's a terrible photographer.

Thor

Pros

1)     You could hold your wedding ceremony on the Rainbow Bridge that connects Asgard to the mortal realms.

2)     The reception would feature a feast worthy of Valhalla. As long as you like roasted pigs on spits, that is.

3)     Who wouldn't want to leave the ceremony in a chariot drawn by goats?

Cons

1)     Asgard practices Primae Noctis.

2)     Loki would have to crash your wedding. He is the God of Mischief after all.

3)     Asgardians like to get drunk and fight. Bring plenty of booze and don't expect your security deposit back on the reception hall.

4)     Beta Ray Bill might freak out your guests. Still, it'd be bad form not to invite him, right?

Rorschach

Pros

1)     Your wedding would be the most serious and hardcore wedding of all time.

2)     Your vows would be written by Alan Moore himself. They would be deep, meaningful and be filled with themes about the state of the world during the mid 1980s.

3)     Your wedding will be considered to be the best wedding of all time by anyone who's trying to pretend that they know something about weddings.

Cons

1)     If any of your family has ever committed a crime, Rorschach would kill them. And then kill you for associating with them.

2)     The dinner would consist of canned beans.

3)     Rorschach would insist on officiating the ceremony himself. All he would say is "Hrrm" and three word sentences in a monotone.

Wolverine

Pros

1)     Unlimited booze.

2)     You could use Wolverine's claws to cut the cake.

Cons

1)     Wolverine will try to sleep with the bride. And the bridesmaids. And the mother of the bride. And every other female in attendance, especially if they have red hair.

2)     When Wolverine gets drunk, he gets stabby and slicey. Be sure to keep Aquaman from this thing.

3)     Wolverine will inexplicably lead a schism in the middle of the reception and will be followed blindly by half the attendees solely because they think that Wolverine is cool.

4)     You'll find Wolverine passed out in a pile of beercans at least twice in the day.

5)     Wolverine is a douche. By extension, your wedding will also be a douche. 

The Comics (There Be Spoilers Below!):

Moment of the Week: League of Extraordinary Gentlemen came out (Your local comic book store). Sure no one's been able to understand a page of it, but it still looks great!

Comic of the Week: American Vampire #17. Shocker. Another week that American Vampire is on top. It's almost as if this book is good or something.

Surprise of the Week: Amazing Spider-Man #666: Haters gonna hate. This book is (probably) bringing Ben Reilly back! Extreme!

Other comics of note:

Secret Warriors #28: Kind of a let down last issue for such a great series. Last issue was a much more thematic end for the book.

Green Lantern Corps #62: Can you say "Spinning the wheels til September?"

Justice Society of America #53: Dark gods under Monument Point? I think this book is due for a rest.

FF #7: And in this issue, Black Bolt bones a horse!

New Mutants #28: This book consistently fights to be the best X-book out there.

Uncanny X-Force #12: So does this one. Too bad that this one featured too many talking heads, too many throwaway ideas and too many tortured kisses.

Ultimate Fallout #3: The non Spider-Man stuff still isn't interesting. Give us Black Spider-Man, damnit!

Everything Else (Musings and whatnot)

I'm on Twitter. @OH_IGW. Follow me. You know you want to.

Next week marks the last column I write as a single man. Dun dun dun. 

Pull List Death Match has been delayed a week. We'll get to the semifinals next week and finish the contest when I get back from my vacation.

If you haven't checked out 52apolooza, please do so. Chances are that it will be taking up a ton of my time come September and I want as many participants as possible!

In one week: Finality.   

Written or Contributed by: BlueStreak

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About the Author - Christian Hoffer


Christian Hoffer is the exasperated Abbott to the Outhouse's Costello. When he's not yelling at the Newsroom for upsetting readers or complaining to his wife about why the Internet is stupid, he sits in his dingy business office trying to find new ways to make the site earn money. Hoffer is also the only person in history stupid enough to moderate two comic book forums at once.

 


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