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Dear DC, Want Some Unsolicited Advice about the DCnU? Don't Look Here

Written by Christian on Friday, August 19 2011 and posted in Columns

The Outhouse shares some friendly advice to DC if they really (don't) want their reboot to succeed!

A few days ago, DC surprised everyone by linking to another comic website's slideshow which offered the comic book company advice on how to ensure that the September Relaunch would be a success.  The Outhouse wants in on this free giveaway of unique hits so here's some absolutely necessary advice that DC must follow if it wants this relaunch to succeed.

1) The More Pouches, The Better

pouches_copyDC has brought back a number of artists popular during the 1990s and has defended their choice in artists by noting that the creators worked on some of the topselling comics of all time.

The Outhouse agrees with this sentiment and wants to remind DC why these books sold:  Big guns and lots of pouches.  If DC really wants to make a splash, it will give all their characters guns and belts filled with pouches.  Sales show that people love pouches and guns and will buy dozens of copies of books just to see anatomically jacked up characters lug around guns even if they have the powers to destroy cities just by blinking.  If DC is unsure as to where to add pouches to various character designs, we suggest turning to Rob Liefeld or Brett Booth, both of whom have a bit of experience  of adding belts, pouches, and guns to characters by getting rid of unnecessary anatomical details such as feet or proportional chest sizes.

2) Hire More White Males

Stan Lee.  Will Eisner.  Jack Kirby.  John Romita Sr. Siegel and Shuster.  Brian Bendis.  Grant Morrison.  Alan Moore. Frank Miller.

What do all these creators have in common?  They're all white.  They're all males. 

If DC really wants to succeed, the Outhouse suggests it narrows its search for the next big creator to certain physical characteristics that have nothing to do with actual talent.  While this might not be well-received by the fanbase, if DC simply explains that empirical data supports their backing, there's a 1.5% chance that they'll be able to pull off a successful defense to the discrimination lawsuit that's sure to follow.

3) Make Superman More in Touch with His Feelings

supermancruSuperman has been mildly derided by some for his mopey attitude and his tendency to cry when faced with tragedy.  However, if the Outhouse has learned one thing from its collective knowledge of women and relationships, it's that women love a sensitive guy.  If Superman just gets in touch a little bit more with his feelings, the Outhouse is confident that the character could draw in loads of new female readers. 

Have Superman cry a little when Lois Lane rejects him for the dreamy Jonathan Carroll.  Make Superman get a little worked up when hearing about a villain's tragic backstory.  Hell, have Superman enter into a love triangle with a sparkly vampire and  a werewolf which also has a thing for kids.  

Doing this would have the extra benefit of further distancing the modern Superman character from the version found in Action Comics #1.  No judge could say that a Superman who sheds tears when rescuing cute kittens from trees is anything like Siegel and Shuster's original interpretation of the character.

4) Harry Potter, Optimus Prime and Jack Sparrow Need to Join the Justice League

jackWe all know that DC's first foray into blockbuster summer movies didn't go so well with Green Lantern flopping both critically and financially.  It's obvious that the average fan doesn't care about Hal Jordan, his CGI suit, or his wooden plank of a girlfriend.  What do fans want?  A teenaged British wizard, a transforming robot and a flamboyant pirate. 

If DC wants to make Justice League the top selling comic book in the world, it needs to ditch lame heroes like Green Lantern, Aquaman and Cyborg and replace them with Harry Potter, Jack Sparrow and Optimus Prime.  Let's face it, all three characters would be upgrades from the second-tier heroes and all three are much more popular with the average reader.  DC needs to ask itself if they really think that people would read about Aquaman losing his hand when they could be reading about Jack Sparrow hitting on Wonder Woman.

At the very least, DC needs to move forward on the Harry Potter idea as it already has movie rights to the character through their parent company, Warner Bros., and could easily turn the Harry Potter movies into an easy prequel for a Justice League flick.

5) More Crossovers.  More Events.  More Backtracking.

Looking back at recent comic book sales, the only strong sellers have been events and crossovers.  DC should strongly consider having all of their titles tie into each other or participate in a massive crossover event that encompasses all of their books.  If an event requires a reader to read all of DC titles, obviously they'll rush out to pick them all out.

In addition, the Outhouse also recommends that DC do more retcons as they're immensely popular with the fans.  A hard continuity can be difficult to follow, so why not change it blithely and without pause?  Have Thomas and Martha Wayne also be Jor-El and Lara.  Reference some vague 1950's World Finest Comics in the explanation and fans will be tripping over themselves to buy the book and claim that it makes total sense and is super-appealing to new readers. 

Note:  If you have read this article and thought the article was at all serious, please get off your computer, go outside and enjoy the sun for a bit.   The Outhouse is not responsible for any drop in sales if DC follows a single ounce of advice this article gives. 

Written or Contributed by: BlueStreak

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About the Author - Christian

Christian is the exasperated Abbott to the Outhouse's Costello. When he's not yelling at the Newsroom for upsetting readers or complaining to his wife about why the Internet is stupid, he sits in his dingy business office trying to find new ways to make the site earn money. Christian is also the only person in history stupid enough to moderate two comic book forums at once.


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