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What's In a Name?: Five Things We (Don't Really) Know about Pandora

Written by Christian Hoffer on Wednesday, January 04 2012 and posted in Columns

IGW takes a look at some surprising new facts about DC's mysterious hooded woman!


"Her Name is Pandora."

pandora

DC revealed the name of the mysterious, hooded woman that popped up in all of its September offerings and will probably play a major role in their upcoming event. People are still asking questions about the mysterious hooded character, so IGW used its crack analysis skills to make the following discoveries about the character.

1)     Pandora is Swedish

pandora_PJudging from her outlandish choice of clothing and poor fingernail grooming, it's not much of a stretch to determine that Pandora is a Swede of some sort. In fact, our Swedish sister site www.derdeoothooseborkborkbork.com has confirmed that Pandora is a well-known eurodance artist, with hits such as "Rebuut zee DC Uneeferse, bork bork bork" and "Cloon Cers und Guldffeesh Fegeenes, bork bork bork."




2)     Pandora supports a viable digital comic format.


Pandora is another sign that DC's about to make waves in digital comics. Expect a streaming comic book website to be branded using her name, featuring various customizable comic book "channels" that can be continuously streamed, albeit with commercials and the inability to pick out specific comics to read.

3)     Pandora looks better in 3D.

avatarWhile people have generally presumed that the red glow surrounding Pandora relates to the Bleed, the space between universes that has periodically popped up in DC's various events. However, Pandora looks totally different in 3D. What was a bland, boring character with plot holes the size of a giant flying pterodactyl-like creature looks spectacularly amazing when viewed in 3D. If only there was a way to get rid of the contrived plot devices that probably surround the character, she might actually be fun to watch.

PS: Avatar sucks.

panwartpbx4)     Pandora Probably Doesn't Appeal to Women

If you type in "Pandora+comics" in Google, you'll discover that this isn't Pandora's first rodeo in comics. Before putting on her prudish full-length dress and hood, Pandora was the focus of  Avatar Press's first comic series. This Girl of Myth relied on her biggest assets to defeat her enemies and appealed to anyone who enjoyed their comic characters vapid and boobtastic.   However, since we all know that DC likes their female characters vapid and boobtastic, could this be a stealth Avatar/DC crossover?.

5)     Pandora is the root of all evil.

For those unaware, the original Pandora was the first woman introduced in Greek myth. The Pandora myth explained how women were the root of all the pain and suffering in the world and how Ancient Greece would be better off had they just stayed in the kitchen and not gotten involved in manly affairs such as war, sex, opening cans of jelly and making comic books. I wonder if DC's editorial board had forgotten about the misogynistic tones of the myth...or simply decided that they didn't care.

Stay tuned for more shocking Pandora developments as they come in!

Written or Contributed by: Christian Hoffer

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About the Author - Christian Hoffer


Christian Hoffer is the exasperated Abbott to the Outhouse's Costello. When he's not yelling at the Newsroom for upsetting readers or complaining to his wife about why the Internet is stupid, he sits in his dingy business office trying to find new ways to make the site earn money. Hoffer is also the only person in history stupid enough to moderate two comic book forums at once.

 


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