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An Idiot's Guide to Superheroes: Aquaman

Aquaman writes an open letter to Idiot's Guide.  Why would he do a thing like that?  Click and find out!


This is An Idiot's Guide to Superheroes. It's part fact, part opinion, and part bullshitting my way through 75 years worth of literature that is both entertaining and slightly ridiculous. An Idiot's Guide to Superheroes is not meant to be taken 100% seriously nor is it 100% factual.

If you come away learning something new, I applaud you. Knowledge is power and knowing is half the battle...or something like that. Otherwise, I apologize for wasting the next five to ten minutes of your life.

An Idiot's Guide to Superheroes: Aquaman


I apologize for the delay in this week's article.  I had written up a long essay discussing the pussiness of Aquaman and how my cat's hairballs are more heroic than he is when I received an email from This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. .  Thinking it was my good friend Namor, I opened it.  It was not from Namor, but instead from a certain other King of the Sea who had a few choice words to say about his recent bad press.


Please note, the following letter does not represent the thoughts or views of the Outhouse or Idiot's Guide to Superheroes in any way.  They are the express sole beliefs of the author.


Dear BlueStreak (and all other land dwellers),

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Arthur Curry, better known as Aquaman.  Although I was born the son of a simple lighthouse keeper, I am the King of Atlantis and ruler of the Seven Seas.  I am a founding member of the Justice League, have saved the world countless times and am frequently mentioned on the hit HBO series Entourage

It has recently come to my attention that certain members of your land society have been lampooning me in your media without fear of reprisal.  I guess that's what happens when you hire dolphins to be your management team. I am here to set the record straight and help correct your rather dubious views on my image.

Basically, I would like to say this:  SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU STUPID LAND MONKEY!

I'm the King of the Sea, bitches!  You know what that means?  Look around you.  Do you see some sort of body of water around you?  Guess what, I OWN it.  Your drinking water, your bath water, even the water that your stupid cat drinks, I OWN it.  I own seventy-five percent of the Earth's surface, plus all the awesome shit underneath it.  You know how much stuff that is?  I make Donald Trump look like a poor little guppy with a bad haircut.  I make Warren Buffett look like a coral reef that just had BP move in next door and start drilling for oil.  I am the RICHEST FISHMAN on the face of the planet.  And don't you forget it!

I ride around on a giant SEAHORSE!  His name is Pearl and he's the most badass seahorse that ever was.  Sure, male seahorses are the only species to get pregnant, but what do you know?  You're freakin' mud kissers!    I have a TRIDENT!  What do you have?  A computer?  You know what wins in a fight between a computer and a trident?  Here's a hint: IT'S NOT THE F'ING COMPUTER!

I have SUPER-STRENGTH!  Okay, maybe it's not super-strength, but I'm stronger than anyone not named Arnold Schwarzenegger.  And I can talk to FISH!  You know how many cool and interesting things fish have to say?  Oh, that's right you can't talk to fish, so you'd have no idea.  What's that, BlueStreak's goldfish?  You think he's a douche, too?  Well, that makes two of us, buddy.

I have a HOT wife.  Her name is Mera, and she's a redhead.  She has a trident too!  And I bang her like a dolphin bangs a hot redheaded dolphin.  Which is a lot!  How many other superheroes get to bang hot redheads?  What's that, BlueStreak's goldfish?  Cyclops and Spider-Man do?  Well, Cyclops' wife is DEAD, so SUCK ON THAT, you stupid hardassed mutant!  And Spider-Man doesn't have a hot redhead wife either, because their marriage never existed in the first place!  That's right, I didn't trade my marriage to the devil in exchange for my aunt's life because I don't HAVE a stupid AUNT who gets in the way of bullets.  So screw you, Spider-Man, your movies suck anyways. 

Speaking of lame Marvel characters, let's talk about Namor for a second.  You know what Namor looks like?  He looks like Spock in a gayass Speedo.  Who wants to look at Leonard Nimoy in a speedo?  He's like eighty years old!  And he has dinky wings on his ankles.  So he's all hopped up on Red Bull.  Red Bull is for lameos.  I drink Four Locos because I'm the shit!  And I'm better than him anyways.  I kicked his ass with a whale.  I think the whale ate him or something.  That's right, I tell whales to eat lame ass versions of me!  Because Marvel sucks!

I was a founding member of the Justice League of America.  You know how many other people get to claim that?  FOUR...or seven depending on what continuity we're counting.  But, I'm the coolest of all of the JLA members!  You know what Black Canary does?  She literally nags people supersonically.  That's so less cool than my ability to talk with fish.  And who else has a trident?  Oh wait, no one?  That's because no one else in the JLA is the KING OF THE SEA!

I'm so cool, I have a sidekick.  His name is Aqualad.  And he wears a speedo.  You know who else wears a speedo?  Michael Phelps!  And no one thinks he's lame!  And Aqualad has face tattoos and purple eyes, too.  You know who else has face tattoos?  Mike Tyson!  So my sidekick is like Mike Tyson and Michael Phelps combined!  And that's a whole lot better than a lame acrobat or some heroin junkie or whatever the hell Wonder Girl is supposed to be, so screw you.

And my villains are hardcore!  Batman has to deal with a fucking clown and Superman has to deal with some rich white guy who's gay for him.  You know who I have to deal with?  My own goddamn brother!  He calls himself Ocean Master and he cut off my hand.  MY FUCKING HAND!  Okay, maybe that's just according to the cartoon show, but at least that's better than whatever lame way you lost your hand.   And I have to deal with this guy called Black Manta who hates me too.  You want to know why he's called Black Manta?  Because he's BLACK!  Do you know how hard it is to beat a black guy underwater?  And he killed my baby son!  That's a hardcore bad guy, man!  He kills BABIES!

Yeah, that's right, I was missing a hand for a while.  I had to replace it with a harpoon gun!  Yeah, I went all Quentin Taratino and attached a harpoon gun to my stump.  And then I replaced that with a magic water hand!  A MAGIC WATER HAND!  Let's see you get a prosthetic like that!  And then I think I died.  It's all hazy, but I think I was an octopus or something. Yeah, I might have been an octopus!

I was on television, that's how awesome I am!  The CW wanted to make a TV show about me!   It was going to be a spin-off of Smallville, which is like the second longest running show on the air!  You know what TV show the CW wanted to make about you, BlueStreak?  Gossip Girl, because you're a little bitch.

And guess what?  Not even death could keep me down!  I was a ZOMBIE!  I ate hearts and shit!  I controlled zombie fish!  They were all cool and stuff!  You know your last goldfish, Streaky?  I brought him back as a zombie and then we fucked around with your cat!  Because I was an evil zombie!  And then I came back to life!  And I still control zombie fish, because I'm badass and relevant and DC thinks I'm really cool!  

So to summarize:  Aquaman=Badass Royalty with a TRIDENT and a hot wife.  BlueStreak=Lonely loser with a cat who has penis envy of the Ruler of the Seven Seas.  And BlueStreak, watch your back next time you decide to take a bath.  I might be there with your zombie goldfish.  And I just might tell him to jump in your mouth and piss in it. 

Sincerely,

Arthur Curry, AKA Aquaman

PS: Could you tell the Justice League to give me a call?  I know nothing happens in the ocean, but it'd be nice to know that someone gives a shit about me.


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About the Author - Christian Hoffer


Christian Hoffer is the exasperated Abbott to the Outhouse's Costello. When he's not yelling at the Newsroom for upsetting readers or complaining to his wife about why the Internet is stupid, he sits in his dingy business office trying to find new ways to make the site earn money. Hoffer is also the only person in history stupid enough to moderate two comic book forums at once.

 


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