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An Idiot's Guide To Super-Villians: Lex Luthor

Written by Steven Harris on Friday, July 16 2010 and posted in Columns

We look at the man named Lex Luthor and realize...he's not that bad of a guy.

Writen by Porcelain38 & Blue Streak

This is An Idiot's Guide to Supervillains . It's part fact, part opinion, and part bullshitting my way through 75 years worth of literature that is both entertaining and slightly ridiculous. An Idiot's Guide to Supervillains  is not meant to be taken 100% seriously nor is it 100% factual.

Everyone loves superheroes, and you know what? They're stuck up assholes. Here at An Idoit's Guide To Supervillains we invite you to take a look at misunderstood villains and why they do the things they do. Remember there might to sides to every story and you need so know the whole story.....because knowing is have the battle or something like that.


There's nothing more dangerous than a pissed off bald man. Men such as Dwight Eisenhower, Dick Cheney, Bendis, Tony Soprano and Mr. Clean all have a wrath that rival God's. However, there is only one man who's head just shines evil: Lex Luthor. His head isn't just smooth, it's unnaturally smooth. How smooth is it? It's smoother than baby Adolf Hitler's bottom. But that's not the worst part. You see, not only is Luthor bald, he's a bald ginger!

It's understandable why a man like Luthor would be angry at the world. Born and raised in the backwater hick town of Smallville, Luthor hated his abusive father and wanted nothing more than to fulfill his pathological need to be the best and gain ultimate knowledge. Spending most of his youth buried in books, Luthor made many attempts to kill his father. Unfortunately, Lex's father was a ginger as well and, like most gingers, was notoriously hard to kill. Lex finally succeeded in late teens and moved to Metropolis. Luthor became a multi-billionare when he founded LexCorp, a company devoted towards hair growth. Ironically, he began to lose his hair and blamed it on aliens. This blame turned into an irrational hatred of aliens which was only worsened by the arrival of a certain Man of Steel.

Luthor is a genius and probably has the ability to save all of mankind locked somewhere in his shiny bald noggin. However, his humanitarian side is hindered by his major hard on for Superman. Since Superman is an alien, Luthor hates him with all the hatred that a bald man can have. He believes that humanity will never evolve with Superman coddling them and has decided to resolve this by simply eliminating him. This is why instead of curing cancer or ending world hunger or finding a way to kill Keith Richards, Luthor puts all his time and effort into finding ways to kill Superman.

Lex Luthor does have a couple of hobbies when he's not trying to rid the world of Superman. There's his "I Hate Superman" club, which consists of Metallo, Parasite, the Toyman and Batman. He also likes collecting land. Luthor has a very archaic land ownership belief and believes that the only way to truly possess power is to possess land. Luthor spends lots of time concocting different illegal ways of owning more land. Sometimes, he builds a giant island out of kryptonite crystals and then schemes to flood the eastern seaboard to inflate prices. Other times, he simply rebuilds broken cities to get a cheap rate on downtown lots. Finally, Luthor enjoys dabbling in politics. In fact, he once became president of the United States and presided over an era which included alien invasions and a giant kryptonite meteor almost hitting Earth. Unfortunately, his term came to a premature end when he put on his Battle Suit out for a spin and ran into Superman, who convinced everyone that Luthor was trying to kill him.

Despite his irrational hatred for Superman, Luthor is still a genius and could seem like a nice guy. However, then you'd be -WROOONNGG! (Those are Kevin Spacey's Lex Luthor's words, not mine) Deep down on the inside, Lex Luthor is nothing more than a bastard candy with a bastard flavor coating with an even more bastardly tasting chewy center. This is a man who allowed an alien invasion to happen, just to show what little fuckers aliens are. This is a man who rebuilt Gotham City just to get cheap land rates. This is a man who stole forty cakes. FORTY CAKES! That's as many as four tens! That's just terrible...


While most of humanity would look down upon Luthor for his evil deeds, you must ask yourself...Can you really blame him? Born into a small middle of nowhere town with a father who loved Jim Bean more than his own son, Luthor rose to be one of the greatest powers in the known world. Despite being bald and having women laugh at the size of his penis, he managed to become president. He even blew up an entire planet of aliens, and I mean what exactly have you done with your life that remotely compares to that? And those forty cakes he stole? Don't even act you wouldn't steal forty cakes if you had the chance! You know you would! So next time he threatens to take over the world, builds a new monster or tries on a bad toupee cut the man some slack and realize that Luthor might just be the greatest man who ever lived.*

*In related news the is now a subsidiary of Lexcorp and we demanded you go outside and fire your weapons into the sky every time you see an alien. It's just the right thing to do.



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