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Idiot's Guide Weekly: The Increasingly Poor Decisions of James Howlett

Written by Christian Hoffer on Thursday, January 12 2012 and posted in Columns

An examination of some of Wolverine's excellent decisions in the last issue of Wolverine and the X-Men.

[Editor's Note: We here at the Outhouse love Wolverine and his newest title, Wolverine and the X-Men.  That being said, we also believe in poking fun at our heroes.  In many ways, I see Wolverine as being very similar as Tim Tebow.  Not only are both overly muscular leaders of men who may or may not be God's arbiter on Earth, they're both best enjoyed with a dose of humor.  If you believe that Wolverine and the X-Men is one of those books that should never be made fun of, do yourself a favor and click away now.  However, be sure to check back tomorrow for Five Reasons Cyclops is a Prick by Senior Cyclops Hater, Royal Nonesuch.]

As we all know, Wolverine is many things.  He's a warrior, an Avenger, an X-Men, a friend to small animals, a champion of the downtrodden, a small business owner, and of one of the guys who slept with Michele Bachmann's husband in the 1990s.  However, despite his sterling record of classiness, ethical dignity and moral perfection, Wolverine still made a few...questionable decisions in this week's issue of Wolverine and the X-Men #4.  Let's take a look at a few of them.

1)   Allow extradimensional imps access to martial art videos, thus allowing said imps to learn how to better attack the children in his care.

First question: Why does Wolverine have martial arts videos? The guy's over one hundred years old and constantly hobnobs with the finest hand to hand experts on the planet.

Second question: Did Wolverine ever watch said martial art videos? In the first page, we see Wolverine expertly stabbing people "who need stabbing". However, that picture also shows three arrows, two throwing stars and a sai embedded in Wolverine's body. Excuse me if I'm wrong, but aren't martial art videos supposed to... improve martial arts? If Wolverine needs karate videos to keep that ninja from sticking a second sai in him, than I'd hate to see how he does without them.

Anyways, as Kitty said, I certainly hope that Wolverine hid his porn stash a little better, otherwise the school will be filled with little imps with ball gags and strap-ons.

2)   Plays darts using a picture of Cyclops as a target.

Remember children, this is an ideological split, not a petty grudge held because someone couldn't sleep with someone else's wife.

3)   Plans to Take Advantage of a Amnesiac Friend for His Money

In Uncanny X-Force #18, Warren Worthington's memories and personality were totally wiped out when his lover Psylocke purged his body of the corruption of Apocalypse. Although Warren's body survived, Psylocke could no longer find a single trace of the man she loved and left him to go screw a Frenchie.

However, Wolverine saw this as an opportunity to fund his new school. Although Warren might not remember his name or his past and has the mentality of a five-year old, he probably has the legal capacity to sign checks...right? That's Wolverine's thought, which allows him to announce to his staff that he might have solved the school's money problems via Warren's deep pockets. Thank god Warren wasn't left brain dead by the Dark Angel Saga, otherwise Logan would have to just forge Warren's signature instead.

4)   Gives Aforementioned Formerly Dead Colleague Free Reign of Campus, Knowing Full Well that He's a Little...Odd

While I admire Wolverine's decision to give Angel some time to try to rediscover himself (and also hide from authorities who are probably wondering what happened to that small town that Angel blew up back during his evil phase), I find it odd that he didn't let people know that Warren wasn't himself upfront.  Had he done this, perhaps someone would have prevented Angel from traumatizing a couple of children by manhandling their dead puppy.  Also, had Wolverine let someone besides the scientist who invented an sentient expresso machine that ignores Asimov's First Law (ten bucks says that expresso machine becomes the school's newest student!), they might have discovered that Angel now has the ability to BRING THE DEAD TO LIFE. After this little incident, Iceman decided to enroll Angel into school. Considering Angel has a history of sleeping with teenagers, this will end well. 

5)   Allows a cyborg from the future access to a bunch of damaged children who proceeds to make macabre predictions about said children's futures.

In one of the top scenes of the comic, Deathlok gives a guest lecture to the young mutants which goes hilariously awry. After informing the children that half of them will die before they turn eighteen (hey, that's better odds than Cyclops' squad, amirite?), he then tells Quentin that he'll probably burn the school down, tells Idie she might die in the next six weeks and tells Broo that he has a better chance of killing four of his classmates than discovering cancer.

At least Deathlok didn't tell Kid Apocalypse that he wasn't going to grow up to become...well, Apocalypse! We don't mind telling children about their immenent demise or encourage them to set their school on fire, but we draw the line at telling children that they are evil incarnate. What a great lecture! I can't wait until Wolverine brings in Peggy the One-Eyed Prostitute to teach about sex-ed!

6)   Attempts to Tell Everyone about His Secret Death Squad

Wolverine's really attempting to bring everyone into his Circle of Trust as he attempts to tell not one, not two, but three staff members about his secret Mutant Death Squad. Considering the bulk of the X-Men followed Wolverine to Westchester for holding the moral high ground in his dispute with Cyclops, one would think that they'd think a little less of Sir Stabomatic's weekend activities, especially if they involve the destruction of American towns by one of their team's own members (but hey, he was evil then and now he's sort of dead!).

At the rate that he's spilling the beans about X-Force, I expect him to recruiting members during morning announcements any day now.

Despite Wolverine's personal failings, I still enjoyed Wolverine and the X-Men.  The book has the same befuddling charm that allows Hugh Grant to still have a job in Hollywood.  I can't wait to see Wolverine publicly execute someone next episode and explain it away with that delightful British accent he has. 

Written or Contributed by: Christian Hoffer

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About the Author - Christian

Christian is the exasperated Abbott to the Outhouse's Costello. When he's not yelling at the Newsroom for upsetting readers or complaining to his wife about why the Internet is stupid, he sits in his dingy business office trying to find new ways to make the site earn money. Christian is also the only person in history stupid enough to moderate two comic book forums at once.


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