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Idiot's Guide Special: Avengers in Cleveland

Written by Christian Hoffer on Friday, March 04 2011 and posted in Columns

Idiot's Guide takes a look at what the characters in next summer's Avengers' movie can do in Cleveland!


As was reported here and here, the Avengers movie will be filming in Cleveland, Ohio this summer. Cleveland is best known as the home of Drew Carey and the city publicly screwed by a petulant athlete and his massive ego, but it's so, so much more than that. As a native of Northeast Ohio, I feel like it's my duty to show that Cleveland is more than a Rust Belt city which epitomizes the decay of blue-collar America. So without further ado, here are a few things for various Avengers to do around the Forest City.

Rockhall
Rock N Roll Hall of Fame
or Secret Hydra Base?
Captain America: Visit the Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame. Cap is due to wind up stuck in an iceberg at the end of Captain America: The First Avenger, which is where he'll be stuck until the beginning of the Avengers movie. What better way for Steve Rogers to catch up on what he missed while trapped in suspended animation than to visit a museum dedicated to that newfangled Rock N' Roll? Cap can visit Bono's underpants and be awed by Michael Jackson's sequined glove. He'll also probably realize how much America went to shit after he saved our sorry asses from the Nazis in World War II, leading to him question his sacrifice.

Nick Fury: Get his eye looked at the Cleveland Clinic. The Cleveland Clinic is a world-famous hospital that has hosted everyone from the shah of Iran to Bob Dole. If anyone could fix Nick Fury's missing eye, it would be the eleventh best ophthalmology program in the nation. Worst case scenario, they could always just clone them a new one.


burning_river
Verily, this dost be either black magic or unecumbered pollution.

Thor: Take a Walk through the Cuyahoga Valley. Being an Asgardian trapped on Earth can't be easy. While the realm of Asgard has one city surrounded by breathtaking wilderness, Ohio is filled mainly with suburban sprawls and farmland. Luckily for the God of Thunder, Cleveland has its own slice of Asgard in the form of the Cuyahoga Valley. If Thor gets homesick, he can simply take a stroll through the various established trails and visit fearsome beaver ponds and majestic heron rookeries. Plus, you never know when the Cuyahoga River will catch on fire, a natural wonder found nowhere else in any of the Nine Worlds.


severance_hall
Fun Fact: Severance Hall was featured in Air Force One.

Hulk: Take in a concert at Severance Hall.
It's been said that music soothes the raging beast. If Bruce Banner has trouble reverting out of his monstrous alter-ego, perhaps he should visit the home of the world-famous Cleveland Symphony Orchestra. Once he calms down and puts on some clothes, Banner can walk across the street to Case Western University where he can appreciate one of America's most celebrated colleges and the birthplace of the X-Ray, which uses the same gamma radiation that produced the Hulk.



ironman_copy
Iron Man's color scheme is suspiciously similar to the Cleveland Cavaliers' colors.


Iron Man: Party it up at LeBron James' home.
When LeFucknut left Cleveland, he left a massive home worth over thirty million dollars collecting dust on the outskirts of town. Since Tony Stark is a notorious partier and alcoholic, why not throw a bash in a venue sure to attract crowds? Stark could invite all the biggest names in Cleveland such as Josh Cribbs, Drew Carey and Captain Janeway from Star Trek: Voyager. If we're really lucky, Stark will get drunk and trash the place in his Iron Man suit. Or at least take a piss on LeAsswipe's stuff.



What other things could superheroes do in Cleveland? Come up with your own suggestions in the comments! The best might even show up in tomorrow's column!

Written or Contributed by: BlueStreak

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About the Author - Christian Hoffer


Christian Hoffer is the exasperated Abbott to the Outhouse's Costello. When he's not yelling at the Newsroom for upsetting readers or complaining to his wife about why the Internet is stupid, he sits in his dingy business office trying to find new ways to make the site earn money. Hoffer is also the only person in history stupid enough to moderate two comic book forums at once.

 


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