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Ask The Ape!

Written by Robert Morris on Wednesday, February 11 2009 and posted in Archives

And there came a day, when the Wisdom of Kong arose from the ashes!!!

In today's column, the Lord of the Monkeys discusses lame superpowers, douchebags, and freezing superheroines in leather and spandex!

Sweet baby Kong, it’s been quite a while, hasn’t it?  So long, in fact, I imagine many of you readers don’t even know what this column is about!   Well, let’s fix that for you!

I am your lovable host, the Lord of the Monkeys.  It is my intention to share with you, my beloved readers, the Wisdom of Kong.  You have questions about your comics that have always nagged at the back of your mind?  Things your mind YEARNS to know?  Well, my children, ask and you shall receive!

Today’s questions come from many sources, and unfortunately I neglected to get the names of the posters.  If you see your question here, thanks for the help!

Okie dokie! Here we go!

Doesn't Black Canary get cold?
Nope.  Never.  I know, I know, I’d have thought it unlikely, but I asked Red Arrow personally, and he said he’s been staring at her chest since he was 12, and he’s NEVER seen evidence that she’s cold.  Obviously, her sonic scream is not her only meta power.

Why can’t Reed Richards clone Ben a new human body?
Who says he can’t?  My child, you operate from faulty logic, and begin from a mistaken beginning: You assume he can’t, without realizing it’s more the case that he WON’T.

That Richards.  What a dick.  You DO all know that Doom is right, don’t you? 

Why does Black Bolt never seem to use sign language? Medusa just seems to already know what he says by a shrug of his shoulders.
Oh, but remember: Bolt and Medusa have been married for MANY years now.  Bolt is not an idiot.  He knows that nothing he says matters; he IS a married man, after all.  Why bother signing?  His wife’s just gonna say whatever she wants, anyways.  He learned that lesson when she claimed that he ordered Maximus jailed for the 118th time, when all he actually signed was “Man, I’d love some chocolate cake!”

How does Batman get the stuff in the cave?
Pym Particles.  I am still investigating how he acquired them.  I suspect a week long bender with Batman, YellowJacket, Guy Gardener, Daredevil, and the Phantom Stranger.

Is Martian Manhunter a douchebag?
The Lord of the Monkeys feels it unseemly to answer this question, as it is not right to speak ill of dead heroes.  However, just as a small aside, did you ever see the issue where the Manhunter rampaged across a city because there were no more Choco Cookies, which he NEVER EVER SHARED except once (In the pages of Sandman, that is!)?  I’m just saying.

Why do characters who wear red always have red hair?
Cause red ink is expensive, so artists who HAVE to use it wanna get the most bang for their buck.

Why doesn't Animal Man take on Superman's powers all the time?
You know, the Lord of the Monkeys thought long and hard on this question, and I can see only two possibilities.  One is, contrary to what science currently believes, Kryptonians did NOT evolve from animal life at all, and are instead HIGHLY evolved plant beings.  This seems unlikely, however this would explain both Superman’s falling under the influence of Poison Ivy, AND his utter susceptibility to the symbiosis of the Black Mercy flower.  I mean, face it: What animal/plant symbiotic relations do you know of like that?  None.  But moss grows on trees. 

The other possibility is that Animal Man suffers from a certain malady that The Lord of the Monkeys discovered.  To wit, it is that when one has possibly unlimited powers which are only vaguely defined, one’s ability to use that power is directly proportional to one’s intelligence.  In fact, they are linked.  The stronger one is with the power, the stupider an idiot is.  I call this PETRELLI SYNDROME

What is the lamest superpower ever?
I know Hawk thinks I’m going to slam Aquaman (talk to fish?  TALK TO FISH?  Hella lame!)

But, no.  The lamest superpower The Lord of the Monkeys ever saw was the famous Legion Of Substitute Heroes member, Stone Boy.  Stone Boy had the amazing ability to turn HIMSELF into stone whenever he wanted, thus ensuring he was UTTERLY BUMFUCK USELESS TO ANYONE.  Sweet Chimpmas, and people wonder why others bag on the Legion.

Where is the Spider-Mobile right now?
Ah, the Spider-Mobile.  The original was built by Johnny Storm, after Spider-Man signed a deal with Corona Motors, being that as he usually Spidermobilewas, Spider was utterly broke and needed money.  Unfortunately, he neglected to mention that HE NEVER LEARNED TO DRIVE, OR GOT A LICENSE.  Hells Bells, Jameson is right: That blasted Arachnid IS a Kongdamn menace!!!

Predictably, with a driver of THAT caliber, it was destroyed.  Until the Tinkerer got his hands on it, and sent it after Spidey by remote control.  That Wall Crawling Menace smashed it even further, and then politely returned it to the manufacturer… in a web satchel, suspended on a web line, outside their window.  Gosh, Spidey, hope the authorities managed to figure out how the hell to get it down in less than an hour, or KABAM! Falling cars from the SKY! Fucking Spider-Man.   Now HE, my friends, is a douchebag.

Favorite Donkey Kong game?
Any that feature that Great Ape as the hero he truly is, and NOT The victim of Plumber Propaganda shown in that bundle of lies commonly known as the first game. 

And with that, I shall leave you, my children.  Until next time, remember. In order that the Lord of the Monkeys may continue to enlighten you with the Wisdom of Kong, you must remember to ASK THE APE.


About the Author - Robert Morris

Robert Morris has never met a monkey he didn't want to shake hands with.




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