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Ask The Ape: Back and Bigger than Ever!

Written by Lord Simian on Saturday, June 11 2011 and posted in Archives

Ask the Ape is back, featuring illuminating questions and intelligent answers from our fearless leader Lord Simian and brand new co-host SuperginraiX.

Welcome back, everybody!

Yes, it's a welcome BACK. I know most of you probably didn't even realize this isn't the first of these columns. Shut up. The Lord of the Monkeys has been busy. Yeah, busy, that's the ticket. What? Some of you received subpoenas? Nah, wouldn't worry. Just forget them. In fact, give that here, I'll just... burn that for ya....

So, anyways! I wanted to bring this column back, but we all know I'm like the absentee father of the Outhouse: I visit about two weekends a month, and every other holiday. So, I needed a hand here, someone to be the kinda cool new step-mommy that kids kinda prefer to daddy. You know, the new step-mommy who CALLS you on your birthday, and doesn't send you a birthday card that says "You're Five!" on your eighth birthday, and for Kong's sake, why would you do that, daddy?!

Umm... er... Hey, everybody, look! It's my new co-columnist, SuperginraiX!

I'd like to say this is the first time I've been called a girl this week but... damn my elvish good looks! Heck, I think Coyle still thinks I actually AM a girl. I hope he doesn't think I'm his mommy because those pics he keeps sending me would be even MORE disturbing, then.

Anyway, I'm glad to be around and helping out the big monkey on campus. Hopefully I can keep things vaguely accurate.

We've got four big questions to answer in our own individual styles so without further ado... here we go!

We know Captain America has never heard of Myspace, but which superhero is most likely to be involved in a cock pics scandal on Twitter?

Trick question. I know, I know. Most people reading this column will think the answer would be Hawkeye, or maybe a fallen-off-the-wagon Tony Stark. Another good bet would be Oliver Queen, the man's a whore. Some cynical people might even suspect Captain America. Let's face it: what better way to prove to the world that it HAS to be someone else, and not you, showing off their red, white, and blue balls than if you ask "What the heck's a Myspace?" with a straight face?

But the more important question is, "Who leaked the photo?" And the answer is obviously She-Hulk. She's been with almost the entire Marvel Universe at one time or another, and what a Kongdamn hypocrite: She's been the centerfold in a nudie magazine, after all!

The true answer to this question is actually VERY close to Lord Simian's response but it's a universe of difference. It's Wonder Woman, and yes, it's her's. If you look very closely, you'll see her in the background in... erm... certain scenes of The Hangover 2. Don't stare too hard, you'll go blind.

Everybody's talking about the big DC revamp, but this isn't the first time we've seen something like this. How many times has DC "rebooted" before?

Well, let's see. There was the big one, the Crisis in 86. There was Mark Waid's failed Hypertime shtick, in which it was revealed that every Elseworld and Imaginary Story was technically a parallel world. A MULTItude of uniVERSEs, as it were. It's also the event wherein Kingdom Come Wonder Woman tells DCU Superman to man up, and Gog comes up with the silliest plan for revenge ever put into action. Then there were all the other ones I don't wanna bother explaining. You remember those, the secondary crises. But then there's the ones you don't remember. None of us do. Only Psycho Pirate's left boot, which he wore on the wrong foot, on one adventure back in November of 1991, remembers them all. But you can't speak to the boot: it's sealed for all time in the Source Wall's Vaulted Arch.

TOO MANY TIMES! No, but seriously, we've had the original reboot after Crisis on Infinite Earths which dragged on and updated things sporadically (Man of Steel, Wonder Woman, Black Canary replacing WW in the original JLA, etc). After that was Zero Hour where DC decided that things weren't confusing enough yet and decided to try again. When that failed to drive away their entire readership, DC let Mark Waid do the whole Hypertime thing which no one actually understands but it somehow connected Kingdom Come to DC's continuity. Somehow. During this funky period, Superman's origin was changed from the Man of Steel origin to being more like his original when every Kryptonian was dressing in long underwear and weren't completely devoid of emotion. Superman got a Kryptonian dog out of the deal so, y'know, that's nice. Many other DC characters slipped new details in and out of their backstory at the same time (like Hawkman in JSA and the new/old Supergirl in Superman-Batman to name two) so everything was in a state of flux even if an event wasn't connected to every revamp. I believe Infinite Crisis fits in next, again trying to fix early mistakes and horrible errors in judgement. Instead, it just ended up killing the Golden Age Superman and giving us whiny Earth Prime Superboy. Grant Morrison's Final Crisis supposedly wrote ITSELF out of continuity as it happened except that the Martian Manhunter still remained dead and Barry Allen's Flash decided to stick around. Anyway, the fans should write it out of continuity.

So, what's the official number? Well, we've got four official events and then way too many smaller reboots of individual titles and characters. Before I lost track, Hal Jordan had about five different variations on his origin story. DC continuity is... messy.

Can a monkey pass the bar exam? Oh, it has to be comics-related? Can a monkey pass the bar exam in comics?

apeYeah, as readers of my past column will remember, in the Silver Age, DC was the place to BE for monkeys and apes. Julie Schwartz was a fan, let's say. Other companies used primates in their stories too, but if you're asking about monkeys in comics, you're asking about the DCU. So let's stop dancing around the truth. DC IS the place for primates, but no. They cannot pass the bar exam in the DCU. And you know why? The terrible fact is, there's a glass ceiling. Detective Chimp has been a detective for what, 59 years? That's not even a Kongdamn exaggeration, he debuted in 1952! How the hell long does he have to wait to get his chance in the courtroom?! Well, quit wasting your time, Chimp. Never happen. I'm sorry, but as long as James Gordon is the Commisioner of Police, you'll never pierce that glass ceiling. What a jerk. He has no problem when a MAN wants to fight for justice dressed like a BAT, but when an APE wants to fight for justice in a court of law, OH NO! We can't have that! And Jimbo? Your mustache looks stupid too. Speciest.

I'll defer to Simian's infinite knowledge on monkeys for this one. I WILL add that there MAY be lawyers in Gorilla City but then we're dealing with GORILLAS instead of monkeys. Even then, the people of Gorilla City are supposed to be much smarter than you and I. I doubt they would just let lawyers roam free.

(Simian's note: We of the Simian Peoples do not believe in the strict labels the humans force on us. Monkeys, Apes, whatever. We know who we are, you know who we are, it's all good!)

resurrjeanWill Jean Grey ever be resurrected?

Will Jean Grey... Phoenix... who has died and come back like 637 times already.... ever be resurrected? What is that, a joke? You think this is a column in which YOU get to be funny? Funk that, this is my stage. Get the hell out of my column.

She's already been resurrected! In New X-Men #151, Jean Grey came back to life in the far flung future. Then she started killing everyone. She came back again in X-Men: Phoenix Endsong which took place in the present. In that series, Jean struggled to contain the Phoenix Force and eventually got Cyclops to kill her. She went off to the White Hot Room to await a future resurrection. So, yeah, she'll be back again and again. Just give her some time to come back properly.

And that's how the game goes, ladies, gentlemen, and mostly children! Now that you know how the game is played, feel free to shoot us some questions, snark, and odd glances and we'll respond in kind. Just don't ACTUALLY shoot us. That would be rude. You don't want the armies of the Ape-ocalypse ringing your doorbell. Anyway, we hope you had half as much fun as we did and join us again next time!

Written or Contributed by: Lord Simian

About the Author - Christian

Christian is the exasperated Abbott to the Outhouse's Costello. When he's not yelling at the Newsroom for upsetting readers or complaining to his wife about why the Internet is stupid, he sits in his dingy business office trying to find new ways to make the site earn money. Christian is also the only person in history stupid enough to moderate two comic book forums at once.


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