Welcome to the first installment of that most glorious of columns, Ask The Ape. Yes, the Lord of the Monkeys is here to explain to you humans things which might have escaped you in the past. Any comic related questions you might have, or even non-comic, let me know, and I shall give you the best answer you’ll find under the sun! So, let’s get on with this:
1. Can you explain why Klaw is the master of sound, yet his costume has as of yet had any reflection of this ability? A Noh mask, a dish hand…and red underwear over purple spandex? Seems ridiculous to me.
Well, you see, Klaw is the undisputed master of sound. However, he was forced to make concessions in order to attain that title, foremost of which was his fashion sense. He is aware of the problem, however: He was recently voted worst dressed villain, ranking just above Paris Hilton. He is seeking professional help; Klaw has enlisted the aid of five homosexuals on Bravo to host Klaw’s new show, “Queer Eye For The Sound Guy”.
2. Who is Omniman?
Well, that’s a good question, as there are a few answers. First, in a play on the old idea of Steve Rogers drawing Captain America comics, in Alan Moore’s run on Supreme, Supreme’s alter ego had a job illustrating a comic called OMNIMAN, a Supreme rip off. Essentially, think of Superman drawing, say, oh… well, Supreme. Also, in the Robert Kirkman series INVINCIBLE, another Superman analogue named Omniman is the father of the series’ hero, and in a shocking turn, is a horrible villain sentt to conquer the Earth. However, when most people talk of OmniMan, they’re likely thinking of the guy to the left.
3. If Daredevil has heightened senses, what does that mean when he beats one out?
Well, the sound alone is horrifyingly loud. He can actually hear the death cries of ten million sperm. Entire civilizations flushed down his commode. It’s ok. He views it as a religious experience; brings him closer to what God must have felt when he started the Flood.
4. Was Batgirl (Barbara Gordon) part of any superteams or had any team-ups with non-Batman characters?
Pre-Crisis, she used to team up with Superman and Supergirl. In fact, she once went on a blind date with Clark Kent, which was how they first met!
5. Why hasn’t the Spetre killed the Joker or other mass murderers?
Because, you see, there is a secret. A dark, horrible secret which makes perfect sense once you hear it. And that is…. The Spectre only pretends to be a powerful agent of God. In reality, he is a ten year old midget with a hologram projector he stole from Cadmus. You see… he was the original clone meant for The Newsboy Legion. Driven mad by the fact that he was deemed unworthy even for the lowly Newsboy Legion, he created the massively powerful Spectre as his alter ego. The Spectre, sadly, is the living embodiment of the phrase “ sound and fury, signifying NOTHING”.
Next time, call the true badass of DCU magic: Detective Chimp.
6. Which Iron Man suit is the best in your opinion?
There have been many cool and MANY MANY crappy Iron Man suits. I very much like the War Machine armor, but not as a true hero’s gear. That seems more Punisher-esque to me. Just between us, for Iron Man, I prefer the late 80’s Michelinie and Layton version. This era is also important, because it is the last easily defined period in which Tony Stark wasn’t a DOUCHEBAG.
Thanks for reading this first column, and the Lord of the Monkeys had a LOT of fun writing it. If you enjoyed it, please show the monkey love. And send us your questions, so there can be a second installment!
Posted originally: 2007-03-29 13:48:10
About the Author - Robert Morris
Robert Morris has never met a monkey he didn't want to shake hands with.
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