Welcome back everyone! The Lord of the Monkeys was just sitting here, enjoying a glass of scotch and smoking a fine cigar, and wondering what his beloved subjects have on their minds! What say we take a look into the old mailbag, shall we?
No, you do not have a choice. The Lord of the Monkeys makes the rules here.
We will begin with an easy one this week. From our old friend, Fo Leon, who asks:
What’s up with child endangerment laws in the DCU? How come all these people get away with risking their sidekicks lives on a regular basis?
Keb Ellis asks: Why does Marvel’s Thor wear such a silly costume? I mean, he is supposed to be a badass Norse God of Thunder, but he wears blue tights and a red cape, and that stupid helmet. When is Marvel going to get a clue? Is he a crusader for homoeroticism in comics?
Marvel is not the one who needs a clue, my friend. Stan Lee is an immortal. He has taken the heads of hundreds of his ilk, and received their Quickenings. He trained Connor McLeod. Stan the Man was AROUND back in Viking days, and he knows the horrifying truth: These savage raiders who terrorized Europe…. were huge fans of spandex and primary colors. Their descendants live on today, as professional wrestlers.
Proud Texan from Newsarama inquires: Monkey Lord - how can there be a group named the “Forgotten Heroes” if someone remembers them?
Well, my friend, apparently they are not very good at their job, which is to be both heroic and forgettable. Someone should probably fire the lot of them and start over.
Proud Texan also includes this follow-up: Better yet - Monkey Lord - can you explain Donna Troy’s origin in 10 words or less?
Ok, let’s see. Here goes: More convoluted than the Vison or the Scarlet Witch. Sorry.
Kent Horton wants to know: Monkey Lord - what is the connection between Dan Didio and Mario?
Well, Kent, the truth is…. There is no connection beyond an unfortunate similarity. Dan Didio has presided over a reign wherein DC Comics are more enjoyable now, and not only that… he has rectified a great evil. Dark Knight Returns ruined Batman for 20 plus years, and they are finally fixing that. The Plumber, on the other hand, is the greatest force of evil in the universe. He dares try to kidnap the mate of Almighty Kong, and he subjugates the Great Lizard and forces him to do his evil bidding. Not only that, but he has constructed death camps to sauté the Mushroom People. Horrifying.
Let us get off such a terrible topic. We shall turn to Misac, who will lighten our hearts with this question: Is there a John Romita III?
And the answer is, sort of. You see… well, why don’t we go right to the source? Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Ask the Ape’s very special guest this week, Mister John Romita, Jr.! John, what do you say? Is there a JR3?
Yes, there is a JRjr III, but his name is Vinny, so he’s not really a III…he’s a Vinny the I’st…heh!
John R. jr
There you have it, folks! Vinny Romita the First, sure to soon to be illustrating a Marvel comic near you!
For our final question of the week, we turn to a great friend of this column, Trachman. He asks:
Dear Monkey,I recently pull something in my chest coughing. These pain pills the doctor prescribed make me wanna duel my brother in bead growing contest. Only I can only grow Oliver Queen bead, and he grows a Hercules bead. How do I defeat him? (Editor: Isn’t that supposed to be “beard?”)
Oh, Eric. Poor, misguided Eric. Let us look at this objectively, shall we? Green Arrow attracts creators like Mike Grell, Denny O’Neil, Brad Meltzer, Kevin Smith (Er, let’s not dwell on Smith). Do you happen to remember who wrote Herc’s 1980’s mini? You know, the one where he beat Galactus by…. Talking to him and drinking with him? Let us also look at the tail each gets. Ollie has had the Black Canary, Shado, and innumerable others. Has Herc gotten ANY, besides MAYBE Wanda, this century? And finally, just LOOK at the two. Green Arrow’s beard looks AWESOME and unique. Only one other man in comics has that style, and he lives in Skartaris. Herc’s beard looks like… well, many other people’s. In addition, he wears a dress, dude. A skirt, to be precise.You have already won your contest, my young friend. You just never realized. May the Peace of Kong be with you all.
And BIG Thanks to John Romita Jr. for helping us out.
Posted originally: 2007-05-02 14:09:29
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About the Author - Robert Morris
Robert Morris has never met a monkey he didn't want to shake hands with.
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