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Ask The Ape: Gods, Virgins, One Night Stands… and Infection!

Written by Lord Simian on Tuesday, June 17 2008 and posted in Archives
Hello once again, Children of Kong! After far too long of a hiatus, the Lord of the Monkeys has returned, so as to share the wisdom of the Ape with you. Since we have a LOT of questions this time around, let’s get right into it! Starlord asks “Question: OMD, do you think it’s more [...]

Hello once again, Children of Kong! After far too long of a hiatus, the Lord of the Monkeys has returned, so as to share the wisdom of the Ape with you. Since we have a LOT of questions this time around, let’s get right into it!

Starlord asks “Question: OMD, do you think it’s more for story purposes, or a personal vendetta by Joe Q?”

Well, Starlord, The Lord of the Monkeys thinks that it is more story purposes. Q may have personal feelings on this issue, but I don’t believe his employers would have allowed the change were it not leading somewhere. And where is it leading? To the MASSIVE sales in a year and a half when Pete and MJ get back together.

Forbush Man wants to know, “Is Rorschach gay?”

Oh, my, no. Have you LOOKED at that outfit he wears? Ugh. There isn’t a gay man alive who would be caught dead in that.

Forbush Man again asks, “How many times has Aunt May been dead?”

Just once, my son. The real Aunt May passed away quietly in 1972. Peter Parker, scared of being alone, has employed a succession of actresses to stand in for her ever since. Little known fact: Between 1984 and 1988, the role was played by Jessica Tandy.

Forbush Man (Man, he’s inquisitive!) wonders, “Is Wonder Woman a virgin?”

No. Wondy gave it up in college to a guy in the Tri Lam fraternity, a man who later became a lawyer. His name was Dudley Dawson.

Forbush Man (I think I have a stalker!) asks “How many one-night stands has She-Hulk had?

Nine. Ben Grimm, Ben Reilly, Wyatt Wingfoot, Wolverine, The Juggernaut, D-Man, Hawkeye, Starfox, and Jessica Jones, back in college.

(By the way, I’m fairly sure four of those are true, with possibly another two being true also…)

Twigglet asks “What’s the deal with Miracleman?”

Whatever he wants it to be, which is usually “Five card draw, One Eyed Jacks wild”.

Oh, you meant the story behind him? Think of Shazam…. If Shazam’s origin were a nice happy bit of brainwashing. Instead of a wizard, he actually says his magic word and his body trades place with a scientifically created, thanks to alien science, Man-God. Oh, and he’s forgotten his word, and only remembers it many years later.

Keb asks “Why is the medium so dominated by superhero stories?”

Iron Man has made what, half a billion dollars? Hulk rules the Box Office? Hell, most of the biggest openings of all movie history nowadays are superhero movies. On top of that… despite what the independent publishers wish…. The reason that superheroes dominate the comic medium is because THEY are what SELLS. Like it or not, the market gives the public what the public demands.

Twigglet inquires, “I never properly got the origin of Thor, in the Essentials I got, Donald Blake the normal human finds Odin and turns into Thor, but Thor has been around thousands of years to that, wassup with that?”

Simple. Yes, Thor has existed for thousands of years. But, some time ago, Odin decided Thor was an arrogant bitch. Hence, he forced him to live life as a mortal. Thus was Don Blake born, and raised. Throughout Blake’s childhood, there was no Thor, because he was entrapped in Blake’s form. Once Blake found the walking stick, and used it, Thor returned. Thus… Blake himself was a prison Odin constructed for Thor.

Hawk wonders “What does Batman have on the Bat-Pod?”

“Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me” by U2, “Party Man” by Prince, and 62 different covers of “The Batusi”.

That same Hawk asks us what could be the dumbest question we’ve ever fielded in this column: “Should Giganta’s origin go back to her being a mutated gorilla?”

EVERYONE’S origin should involve mutated apes.

Finally, Hawk demands, “Does this look infected?”

Sweet jumping Kong, what have I told you about sending me pictures? Once more, and I make with the mace!!!
And that should do it for this installment! Thanks to all our contributors, especially to Forbush for his devotion! We’ll do this again soon, and until then, Go With Kong, my children!


Posted originally: 2008-06-17 19:13:33

About the Author - Robert Morris


Robert Morris has never met a monkey he didn't want to shake hands with.

 

 

 


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