Monday, May 28, 2018 • Midnight Edition • "This is not rocket science, people. Get a grip."

Revolution: "Soul Train"

Written by Dr. Improbable on Monday, October 15 2012 and posted in Features

I seriously hate whoever names these episodes


But seriously, who the fuck names these episodes? Also, I’m going to be up front here: instead of having a good hearty meal after my soccer game, I decided instead to have some nice autumnal beers that people orphaned at my house this past weekend. So, I guess, read at your own peril. There will most likely be a lot of commas and half-formed thoughts. Furthermore, I’m already belligerent because I got home a bit early and was forced to endure the end of The Voice.

We open in Noblesville, IN (I just realised I’ve been there! It’s super terrible), where Neville is going full Tyler Durden on people. He chooses Danny as his next victim because he is straight fucking crazy. He hits Danny, which unleashes the dragon. For about two seconds. Then Neville breaks his face, because apparently he just wanted to destroy something beautiful (yup, more Fight Club referencing).

Flashback to Neville! Yes! I’ve been waiting for this! Neville is being full beta male at his insurance claims firm, and gets fired for not being enough of a dick. Surprising!

Meanwhile, Aaron and Charlie mourn Maggie. Miles is all, “We need to GTFO.” (Direct quote.) He’s not very spiritual or anything, and wants to get to Danny.

Choo-choooo! The Soul Train is here! I guess steam engines still work. (Anyone else thinking of Back to the Future III right now?) Our rebel/outlaws are concerned about the presence of a train. Neville is yelling at a man about fixing the steam engine so they can leave pronto.

Meanwhile, in what is totally not Noblesville like I thought (sorry guys), Monroe talks to Rachel some more. There is some major boobie silhouetting is happening with her sheer shirt. Rachel says that if he lets Danny go, she’ll tell him everything. Monroe is like, “Yeah, okay, but basically I’m gonna hold him hostage because you haven’t put out in the past fifteen years.”

Look! A car being pulled by a horse! Charlie walks straight into Noblesville for some recon action. Nora, meanwhile, is reminding Miles that it’s not ideal for Monroe to have a train- she thinks they’ll put Danny on the train to Philly, where Monroe totally is now. I’m still sorry I somehow missed that memo. Anyway, they head out to find young Daniel.

Neville pours himself a drink. (I hear that!) He starts waxing philosophical to Danny, who tells him to shut up. Neville tells him to tread carefully, and Danny calls him out on being a dick for beating up a kid.

Flashback! Neville’s house is next door to a crazy co-ed party, which I totally appreciate is the most annoying fucking thing ever. He passively asks them to turn down the music, which they disregard. Neville’s young son (Jason) is excited to see him, though! Neville lies to his wife about being fired and takes his stress out on the ol’ punchin’ bag. He’s pretty fierce, which isn’t all that surprising. Jason watches him, and he teaches him how to punch. Suddenly, the lights are out.

Noblesville again. Nora asks for a Joe Biden biography. LOL why? The pilot (Frank?) from LOST (oh, god why) who is named Ken “Hutch” Hutchinson, is the entirety of the Noblesville underground. Nora wants to blow up the train.

Neville sees Charlie. He asks her what she wants and why she’s spying. She says her boyfriend is cheating on her. She gives the name Sarah McGill. He introduces himself and she takes a pause, but carries on and asks about train. He is suspicious, probably because she’s horribly transparent. He also tells her that her boyfriend is a fool. He leaves and she takes a deep breath.

Listen, I have to say it again- I’ve been to Noblesville. Doesn’t look like this. It’s mostly shitty suburban developments and farmhouses. It’s about 30-40 minutes north northeast of Indianapolis, if anyone’s wondering about the geography. Also, it is somehow even flatter in real life. Don't underestimate the flatness of Indiana.

Charlie walks down an alley (which is always a wise choice for a single female walking alone) and Neville attacks. Miles intervenes. Neville pretty much immediately figures out who Charlie really is, and Miles and Neville have a knife-off. Dramatic commercial placement!

We’re back. Miles asks about Neville’s wife. Neville tells him Danny is feisty. They circle each other predatorily. Miles offers to trade Danny for “Nate.” No go. Neville fails to take Miles in.

Aaron, who is guarding “Nate,” gets his necklace/medallion/magic power source taken from him. Nate gives it back. Not much of a bargainer, that one. Intruder alert! Aaron looks unsure of the handling of a crossbow. Nora shows up with Hutch and says train blowing up > Danny retrieval because rebellion.  

Miles tells Charlie she’s stupid for getting emotional and following Neville, though he gets more than a little emotional himself over it. He tells Charlie it’s her own fault if they don’t get Danny. She says he used to be nicer than this from what she remembers. Anecdote! Four-year-old Charlie went for a drive with Miles and they were singing and it was adorable. Why is Charlie always teary-eyed? She’s fairly badass and almost not another intolerable teenaged girl when she’s fighting, but then every time she’s not fighting she’s having an emotional breakdown. It’s like writers can’t develop female charac- oooh, right.

Danny is jostled in his cell. He taunts Neville a bit, who looks… still crazy-eyed.

Flashback, six weeks post-blackout. Neville doesn’t want to leave because: danger! His wife wants to go. The sounds of a break-in echo through their house. Neville’s douchey neighbour is robbing him. Neville tries to strike him with a nine iron (probably, I don’t golf), but this Rob fellow nearly chokes him out. Then Neville bludgeons him to death with his fists. Holy shit, we just watched him break from beta to alpha. It’s a dark moment.

Charlie is pissed that Nora’s going to blow up the train, and they decide they need to find Danny. She interrogates Nate, who is…taciturn. He says he can’t help. Charlie leaves him to Miles. Nate, still tied at the wrists, escapes. What the actual hell, Miles? Five minutes ago you gave Neville all hell. You can’t catch one wrist-bound teenager?

Strategy! The Monroe Republic is not as strong as it appears, as the St. Lunatics are throwing stones at things to cause problems. I’ll be honest, I was too drunk to follow this scene. But anyway, Sebastian wants the entire North American continent because he is a mad person.

Nora is explaining to Hutch the best way to blow up a train. Hutch talks about making his dead wife proud. Nora plants the explosives (disguised in a fake log) in the train. Meanwhile, Charlie and Miles try to find Danny, but he’s already been moved. The train choo-choos (the technical term) some more and begins departure. Nora realises Danny is on the train. Guilt! She attempts to retrieve the bomb. Hutch points out she’s stupid and stabs her to stop her. Well, that’s one way to slow things down.

Danny realises Nora has been stabbed. Miles is pissed about it. Nora is apologetic about the whole, “Your brother is about to blow up” thing.

A great train caper! There is running along the top of the train and such, because we are evoking every cliché ever right now. Miles goes for the bomb while Charlie goes for Danny. They see each other in the window. It is very precious. Miles fights the conductor; Charlie breaks into the cabin with Danny and attacks Neville with a knife, though he easily overpowers her. Miles reaches into the fire and pulls out the bomb- obviously- and Nate takes Charlie hostage while Neville takes Danny at gunpoint. “Nate” throws Charlie out of the train, Miles jumps out the train, and Neville yells at Nate for not bringing the girl like he was supposed to, though surprisingly doesn’t shoot “Nate” for his troubles. Charlie cries some more. Women, am I right?

Miles has a sad. He tells Charlie his past self isn’t dead, but has to be in hibernation because he’ll have to kill his bestie. Charlie understands, but is super pissed anyway. Someone’s gonna be a hardass from here on out. They’re heading to Philly. Aaron and Nora, too.

Okay so apparently in Philly, the cavalry comes home. Neville finds his wife there. OH SHIT NATE IS HIS SON; I JUST FIGURED IT OUT, I’M SLOW. Indeed, Nate = Jason.

Final flashback- Neville teaches his son that they only way to survive is to be a total hardass. Lesson most definitely learned.

Rachel and Sebastian talk some more. Monroe asks her the same question he’s been asking for fifteen years. Since Danny is back, she apparently decides to sort of tell him. Draws the medallion. Excuse me, pendant. There are 12 pendants. NUMBERS!

Okay so, admittedly, solid episode. Mostly because Giancarlo Esposito can do no wrong in my book. Seriously, I think he and Billy Burke (Miles) are the only people who don’t annoy me 90% of their screentime. Charlie would be fine if she didn’t have PMS every episode, and Nora and Aaron might be okay if they were somehow relevant, which they obviously aren’t. This show is… lacklustre. The over-acting from most of the characters makes it sort of painful, but I still feel like it isn’t the worst thing on television. But I’m drunk, so you don’t have to listen to me.


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About the Author - DrImprobable

Before you ask, no, Dr. Improbable is not that kind of doctor, and will not be diagnosing your genital warts today. Seriously, put it away. The doc does more of the "mad science" brand of doctoring, though one day hopes to be that "time and space traveling" kind of doctor. In the meantime, Doc passes time cloning things, memorizing acronyms, and using large magnets. When not plotting all the terrible ways to destroy the human race (particularly those found on public transportation), the doc kills time by watching television and making sarcastic commentary on it.


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