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Disaster Prep 101: Survival

Disaster Prep 101: Survival

How to survive : Tips for surviving the end of the world and various other disasters



Source: CDC

With Frankenstorm and Hurricane Sandy freaking everyone out (and creating a giant influx of storm mocking memes) this Outhouse writer decided that a little preparedness couldn’t hurt.  In fact, I’m going to do you one better and compile a giant help page that you may find useful in a variety of disaster situations.  With no further ado, good luck and god speed.

The Disaster Kit:  For ANY survival situation

I’m just going to link the CDC here because I’m lazy.  http://emergency.cdc.gov/preparedness/kit/disasters/

And now….. the fun stuff!

Hurricane:

  1. Battening down the hatches
  2. Snorkel, wet suit, flippers and a boat
  3. Mental resolve to ignore the dolphins hitting your window.  It’s the hurricane baiting you.  Don’t take it!

Angry Volcano:

  1. Virgin (male or female, however the females tend to look better in the coconut bikini)
  2. Coconut bikini
  3. Witch Doctor to supervise
  4. Burly native to toss aforementioned virgin into the hot magma
  5. Ability to resist saying ‘don’t touch the lava!’ when throwing the virgin into the lava

Zombie Apocalypse:

  1. Guns, guns and more guns
  2. Ammo
  3. Nerves of steel
  4. Underground shelter with solar power panels above ground
  5. Backup guns and ammo
  6. Hydroponic farm in above mentioned shelter
  7. Valuables to barter

Justin Bieber Concert:

  1. Ear plugs
  2. Monster truck to run over screaming teens as you escape

Tornado:

  1. Ruby slippers
  2. Extended arsenal of super soakers to battle the wicked witch
  3. Just saying no to drugs

Godzilla:

  1. Find a group of sumo wrestlers and blend in
  2. Trip at least one wrestler while trying to run away
  3. Use the diversion to find shelter
  4. Summon Mothra, King Kong or Japanese technology to defeat Godzilla
  5. NEVER under any circumstances summon Godzuki

Horror Movie:

  1. Establishing what genre you’re in (if you’re in a spoof, just sit back and say a few witty lines.  You’ll make it into the sequel even if you die)
  2. Adaptability and/or purity.  Only the innocent, clueless and ruthless survive

Power Outage:

  1. If you’re reading this you’ve already learned how to take your phone/iPad/laptop to a someplace with free Wi-Fi. *slow clap*

Air Raid:

  1. Sturdy desk
  2. 1950’s innocence

Atomic Bomb:

  1. You’re probably dust, kiss your ass goodbye
  2. If you do survive, you’ll probably grow a second ass, or arm…or leg…

AIRBHG: Angry Iowa Running Back Hating God

  1. Realize AIRBHG will smite your RB no matter what
  2. Having a deep enough RB depth chart
  3. Lots of mental toughness
  4. Understand the fact that just because your RB doesn’t play for Iowa, or isn’t a RB, he’s not safe.  AIRBHG doesn’t discriminate

Taylor Swift break-up song:

  1. Lots of tissue paper
  2. Knowing to count to ten when you have an urge to key your ex's truck
  3. Realize that you might actually be the problem in all these relationships




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