The comic book is producing mass bouts of spontaneous vomiting.
Source: ThanosCopter NewsWire
Hospitals are being flooded by throngs of people struck with bouts of spontaneous vomiting caused by today’s release of Amazing Spider-Man #699. The issue features the revelation that Dr. Octopus had sex with Aunt May during the events of Amazing Spider-Man #131. Peter Parker, who’s currently trapped in Octopus’s body and has access to all of the villain’s memories, discovered the coitus after experiencing the memory firsthand from Octopus’s perspective.
“Blllllllllllerrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhh,” said Jonathan Jacobs upon realizing that Parker just experienced poking his elderly aunt firsthand.
“Blllllllleeeeeeeerrrrrrrrghhhhh,” added Abby Shuster, a longtime fan of Spider-Man horrified by the one possible situation worse than Norman Osborn impregnating Gwen Stacy. She puked again after picturing Dr. Octopus grinning as he finished on Aunt May's stomach and then a third time after realizing that Peter Parker had , by extension, also finished on Aunt May's stomach.
Hospital emergency rooms have been filled to capacity in response to the news. “We’ve had at least twenty cases of ‘The Aunt May pukes”, said Dr. Jason Liu, a doctor at Lakeside Methodist in Chicago. “We’ve also seen four cases of dehydration and one person who attempted to poke his eyes out with a pair of scissors, but tripped and fell on a puddle of his vomit.”
Marvel didn’t immediately respond to comment as the entire staff had called in sick after receiving comps of the issue. There have also been reports that Acme Print, the printing company in charge of printing Marvel’s comics, had seen their plant shut down after the printing press used to print Amazing Spider-Man #699 had somehow committed suicide.
Writer Dan Slott seemed pleased by the violent fan reaction. "I hate my readers," he said while unexpectedly donning an Alan Moore-esque beard. "And I will continue to throw every disgusting thing I can think of until you all stop reading my books. I can't wait to see what you all think of Mary Jane's donkey show in Amazing Spider-Man #700. Just remember, Spider-Man has no rock bottom. Now leave me alone! I have to put my assless chaps on for my date with a widowed spinster named 'Your Mom'."
As Slott has appeared on the Outhouse before and bragged about banging some of our forum member's mothers, we've known that he has a thing for the older ladies. What we didn't realize was that his multi-year run was building up to a "mother lover" scene between Parker and his own aunt. We expect Marvel to provide counseling for those traumatized by the comic book.
“I certainly hope there’s not another comic book like this,” said Dr. Liu as he tended to yet another vomit-covered patient clutching a copy of the Spider-Man comic. “Although I certainly don’t understand why a silly comic book could cause such a reaction.” Pulling the comic book out of his patient’s hand, Liu flipped it open. “Wait, what?” he said, realization dawning on his face. “This…this is vile… this is - - blllllleeeeeeeeerrrrrgh!”