The Outhouse investigates a shocking conspiracy theory about the controversial writer of Avengers Arena.
Source: ThanosCopter Newswire
Dennis Hopeless. It's a name that sends the Tumblrsphere into instant fits of rage of despair, due mostly to the as-yet-unreleased Avengers Arena, a comic that promises to brutally murder all of Marvel's teenage characters for shock value, presumably resulting in a sales boom as enraged readers purchase the book so that they can complain about it on the internet. But who is Dennis Hopeless? Is he even a real person? This reporter is not so sure.
Before the announcement of Avengers Arena and Cable and The X-Force, both in stores this week, nobody knew who the hell Dennis Hopeless was. Sure, he's got a website, which claims that he has written some indie comics, such as Gearhead and Lovestruck, and a Marvel book called Legion of Monsters. But can anyone confirm that these books actually exist? Has anyone read them? Even if the books are real, it does not prove that Hopeless is a real person, and, by not doing so, it obviously gives credence to the theory that he is not.
Adding to the suspicion, Hopeless has been hired by Marvel, on the basis of these three books alone, to write two very high profile books, one of which is the centerpiece of the company's mission to increase sales by antagonizing emotional readers. Would a company like Marvel, in sound mind, really hire an unknown talent for such high-profile books, without testing the waters by putting him on low-profile books that are doomed to failure first? We think not.
Supposedly, Hopeless is a resident of Kansas City, Missouri. Willingly. This throws up multiple red flags. Would anyone willingly live in Missouri, The Show Me State, a state whose most populous city is named after another, better state? Certainly nobody this reporter knows. Nobody real, at least.
To compound matters, Hopeless claims to live there with his wife, tattoo artist Jessie Hopeless, a total babe. Are we really expected to believe that Hopeless, a comic book writer, has landed a babe as hot and talented as Jessie Hopeless? Reading Dennis Hopeless' comics is likely the closest most comic book fans will come to a woman of that caliber in their lifetimes.
Let me ask again. Would this woman...
Marry this man?
Yeah, we don't believe it either. Even in a fake mustache and oversized plumber's uniform, she is clearly out of his league. And that's not all!
What kind of a name is Hopeless, anyway? A punk rock name is what it is. I earned my punk rock name, Jude Terror, by playing in no less than three unsuccessful punk rock bands in the 1990s. With that experience under my belt, I find it difficult to believe that a person could, through nothing more than lucky genealogy, acquire a name as punk fucking rock as Dennis Hopeless (or Jessie Hopeless).
As many punk rockers are well aware, punk rock culture is based around the premise of "punk points." Punk points are a sort of currency awarded to punk rockers for meritous achievements in being punk, such as painting obscure band names on your studded leather jacket, sneering ominously, and puking on cop cars. When enough punk points are earned, a punk rocker earns a free trip to Punkland, a magical place where no one is a poseur (or everyone is) and Chaotic Dischord plays nonstop on a lo-fi PA system.
Only in a place like Punkland could someone acquire a punk last name like Hopeless. And yet, there is absolutely no evidence that Hopeless has ever been there, or even that the place exists! Just who is Dennis Hopeless?! Where did he get his name?! What was Jessie Hopeless's maiden name?! Was it even cooler?!
Clearly, the more answers we find about Dennis Hopeless, the more questions are raised. Thankfully, The Outhouse is willing to resort to wild speculation in our quest to unmask this newly minted internet villain. With that in mind, we present out theory: Dennis
Hopless Hopeless is really Gail Simone.
Simone was recently fired via email from the popular and successful Batgirl book over at DC, months after her exclusivity contract with the company expired. No reason was giving for her firing, despite an outpouring of support from fans and industry pros. Could it be that someone at DC found out that Simone was secretly writing for Marvel under an alias, a psuedonym, a pen name, a nom de plume, a où sont les toilettes?! Could Simone, tired of playing the fan-favorite writer who treats beloved characters with respect and refuses to engage in the meaningless and often misogynistic or racist killing of characters just to make a villain look more badass, have concocted this elaborate scheme to let loose all of her pent up aggression on the hapless teenage characters of the Marvel Universe? Might Simone even be suffering from a Doctor Jeckell and Mr. Hyde type of split personality, writing empowering, critically acclaimed comics by day, and, by night, engaging in the wanton slaughter of teen characters with fanbases of more than 50 readers each in a cheap knockoff of The Hunger Games?
Anything is possible, and, therefore, this is possible. Totally possible. The Outhouse urges Dennis Hopeless, or Gail Simone, or whoever he/she is to come clean about this before it's too late. We can get you the help you need, Gail-Dennis Simone-Hopeless. Gennis Sopeless. We can get you the help you need, and we can save hundreds of Tumblr bloggers from posting suicidal cries for help each time their favorite teen hero bites the dust in Avengers Arena.
It's not too late, Gennis. The truth will set you free.