DC Reboots The Reboot…Screw It, Boobs!
- Written by GHERU on Friday, February 08 2013 and posted in News and Satire
They’re baaaaaack!
Source: EXCLUSIVE: DC COMICS' JUSTICE LEAGUE SOLICITATIONS FOR MAY 2013
There were many changes to what we had all come to know and loath about DC with the launch of the New 52. Of course, comic fans being what we are, all of those changes pissed us of almost as much as the pre-New 52 DC Universe was upsetting us on a monthly basis. But none of the changes garnered the level of vitriol and hate as the changes made to the favorite characters of pervs everywhere.
The disappearance of Stephanie Brown and Cassandra Cain left a hole in the social calendars of such a large number of fanboys that the industry was in danger of being blamed for single-handedly raining economic destruction on the snack cake and soda industries. On top of that, the formerly easy to catch up to Barbra Gordon now had the ability to run away from creeps who just wanted to touch her hair. These sad individuals were left with only one option: going outside to see a real life female.
Well, man-children fret no more; Power Girl’s boob window is back! According to inside sources we didn’t even bother to come up with funny names for, DC higher-ups were depressed to learn that the Time Warner company would no longer be insuring Cialas or Viagra and desperately searched for a way they could “inspire” themselves without having to spend more than their co-pay used to be.
On top if the insurance issues, word from the New 52 is that Huntress and other female characters pulled Kara aside for a chat about her breast hygiene, stating that without the window her Kryptonian boobs were sweating too much and the stench was not only making it impossible for them to sneak up on bad guys, but was also pretty gross. After one locker room encounter, a formerly crippled redheaded heroine (who only agreed to talk off the record) told us:
It was getting to the point that no one wanted to team up with her for fear the sweat smells would permeate their costumes. Even noted womanizers like Oliver Queen and Booster Gold wanted nothing to do with Kara’s sisters due to the WMD levels of toxic waste coming out of her pores. I don’t know if it’s an issue with her alien DNA or just a matter of 3D’s having the equivalent of arm pits, but something had to be done.
Whether it’s to help aging white collar types earn their mistresses, a matter of air pollution, or a combination of the two, basement dwelling troglodytes can breathe easy (with the help of their inhalers) knowing that soon they will have their window into Power Girl’s soul back.
One more thing, this writer often sends articles off to his wife before publishing (the ones I don’t are the ones that have the most spelling mistakes) and all she replied with this time was:
Very good, no notes here. The only remaining mystery is why she needs long sleeves, a turtleneck, and gloves, but no pants.
Well, the answer to that, dear wife, is "BOOBS!”
Buy World's Finest #12, you know, for the tits.
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About the Author - GHERU
RU, or as he’s known in the writers’ room: the cute one, is relatively unappreciated in his time. RU’s YouTube show, RUviews is watched by literally multiple people every month and his Outhouse articles have helped line many a bird cage. Before you send RU a message, he knows that there are misspelled words in this article, and probably in this bio he was asked to write. RU wants everyone to know that after 25+ years of collecting he still loves comic books and can’t believe how seriously fanboys take them. RU lives in Akron Ohio (unfortunately) with WIFE, ‘lilRuRu, and the @DogGodThor.
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