Because our readers are well adjusted enough to have significant others.
If you are not already painfully aware, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, and we here at The Outhouse, the website who singlehandedly exterminated the last Jabberwocky, is here for you with some tips to help you impress your (completely real) significant other (who lives in Canada).
For men who are into women:
1 – Yes it’s a Hallmark holiday that most of us realize means fuck-all, but chicks, man, they love this kind of crap. Even if you have a “cool” one who says you don’t have to get her anything, she’s lying. In the immortal words of Admiral Ackbar; “It’s a trap!” Buy her something, wrap something up, take her to dinner, do something! Even if you are broke, steal a card or something. She’s worth it if only for the fact that she is with you, and your judgment is so bad that you're reading this article.
2 – If, for whatever reason, you started thinking that “Buy her something, wrap something up, take her to dinner, do something!” meant that you should present her with your penis as a gift, STOP IT RIGHT NOW! Yea, you’ll probably get laid tomorrow (no, you won’t), but that doesn’t mean that your dick is the gift she wanted, so stop being a child and grow up!
3 – If you are single, go out to a dive bar and find some low hanging fruit.
For men who are into men:
1 – See #2 above and disregard. I am no expert, but from what I can tell from my gay friends, your dick is the gift they want. Be creative, maybe take the advice of Lonely Island and Justin Timberlake, I don’t know. But you will probably get laid either way because it’s a day ending in “y.”
For women who are into men:
1 – You shouldn’t really need any tips on what to get your man for Valentine’s Day, but for that something extra, try not to be pissed at him when you see your new, romantic, Boba Fett Bobblehead. He meant well, he’s just an idiot.
2 – If he did well enough to earn a “C” or higher, try and do something special tomorrow night. Maybe a little dance, let him watch hockey, or even keep your mouth shut (vocally) for five minutes. Those are all things he’d really appreciate.
For women who are into women:
1 – REDACTED DUE TO THE GUIDELINES THE OUTHOUSE AGREED TO WHEN SIGNING ONTO THIS SERVER
For anyone who is into clowns:
1 – Do us all a favor and stab that mofo in his/her sleep
For humans who are into Dutch:
1 – We don’t understand, what is the appeal of those people? Is it the shoes? The clocks? The fact that they are not gingers? What? Why would you do that?
1 – Give up, no one loves you and your soul is already forfeit.
There, we hope that helps, and we wish all of our readers a safe, messy, dirty, filthy Valentine’s Day that you can never tell your grandmother about, unless you want her to have a heart attack.