- Written by Frankenstein, Former Agent of S.H.A.D.E. on Thursday, February 14 2013 and posted in Features
FRANK HERE TO TALK ABOUT LOVE!
Source: NONE - LOVE HAVE NO SOURCE
THIS FRANK'S FIRST SPECIAL! SPECIAL GOOD! THIS ONE ALL ABOUT LOVE! IT VALENTINE'S DAY! VALENTINE’S DAY MASSACRE GOOD!
FRANK KNOW FRANK SKIP NORMAL QUESTONS! FRANK ANSWER THOSE NEXT WEEK!
From the internet, hobgoblin4life asks: 'DEAR FRANK. So sorry I haven't written, Iv'e actually been seeing a FEMAIL!!! I think this is serious, but... I don't think seh would understand my massive collection of Cobra Commander figures and My Little Pony toys toys (2012 SDCC Derpy Figure mint NRFB!!! Yessss). How do I reveal this to her?'
WHAT? HOLD ON, FRANK NEED TIME TO FIGURE THIS ALL OUT…WHA?
OK, FRANK SEE, HOBYGOBY4LIFE AFRAID THAT NEW GIRL THINK YOU WEIRD BECAUSE YOU HAVE TOO MANY STUPID TOYS! FRANK SAY YOU HAVE TO BE HONEST! BRIDE OF FRANK MARRY FRANK EVEN THOUGH FRANK HAVE LOTS OF COMICS! THAT NOT AS BAD AS WHAT YOU HAVE, BUT STILL KINDA NERDY! SHE COOL! YOU NO CAN HAVE HER! FRANK THINK IF YOUR GIRL NO LEAVE YOU YET BASED ON HOW GOOD YOU COMMUNICATE SHE NO LEAVE YOU BECAUSE YOU CREEPY!
From www.theouthousers.com, judeterror asks: 'Frank, how can I rekindle the fire in my relationship?'
From the internet, DoomsGreenSkirt asks: 'Dear Frank, I think I'm really falling for hobgoblin4life, but I haven’t seen him for weeks. Can you help a girl out here?'
FRANK WANT SAY SORRY TO HOBYGOBY, BUT FRANK TAKES FRANK RESPONSIBILITY AS ADVICE COLUMNIST VERY SERIOUSLY AND IT TRUMP MAN CODE!
DOOMY, FRANK HAVE BAD NEWS, HOBYGOBY MOVE ON!
From twitter, @DFWendi asks: '@DCFrankenstein Frank, when wooing a monster lady is it best if you share the same creator?'
NO! THAT INCEST! IT DIFFERENT WITH FRANKS BECAUSE FRANKS MADE FROM LOTS OF PEOPLE, SO (PROBABLY) NOT RELATED! OTHER CREATED MONSTERS MADE FROM SAME STUFF, NOT COLLECTION OF STUFF, THAT MAKE THEM BROTHERS OR SISTERS! BEST IF NON FRANKS FIND OTHER MONSTER PEOPLE. AS LONG AS VAMPIRE NO MARRY WEREWOLF EVERYONE GOOD! BUT, IF THAT ABOMINATION EVER LEGALLY ALLOWED, FABRIC OF MONSTER WAY OF LIFE IS RUINED AND WE ALL SUBJECT TO WRATH OF ALL POWERFUL TWILIGHT SPARKLE!
From the internet, Lonely in Transylvania asks: 'Frank, I've been unlucky in love for a long time and I recently decided to give up on trying to find love and create it instead. Do you have any advice for a mad scientist aspiring to reanimate a hot corpse and make it my girlfriend?'
NO! THAT GROSS! EVEN GUY IN MUMFORD REALIZE THAT CREEPIEST THING EVER! YOU WANT MAKE SOMETHING LIKE FRANK FRIEND PINOCCHIO AND DO BAD THINGS TO IT! THAT NOT COOL! FRANK CALL CHRIS HANSEN!
BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING, FRANK NO MAKE BRIDE OF FRANK! IT NO FRANK FAULT FRANK STEAL DR. FRANK’S SEX TOY!
From the internet, bi-normal asks: 'If you could construct the perfect woman from dead body parts, whose parts would you use and why?
KATE UPTON ONLY CORRECT ANSWER! AND IF YOU NO KNOW ANSWER THEN YOU DUMBER THEN A DUMB THING!
/ What about the perfect man?'
FRANK USED TO THINK BRAD PITT OR ANDY GARCIA CORRECT ANSWER, BUT NOW FRANK KNOW BETTER: RYAN GOSLING! HE DREAMY, AND HE TALK NICE, AND HAVE NICE EYES!
From Skype, sdsichero asks: 'Dear Frank, I can't stop yelling, "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID" in front of my dates. Do you think this contributes to my eternal bachelor status?'
IT PROBABLY CONTRIBUTE, BUT FRANK KNOW SDS, AND THIS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO TOP 20 REASONS WHY YOU ALONE! YOU NO FUNNY, OLD, SMELL BAD, AND OLD! GIRLS NO LIKE YOU!
WAIT, FRANK KNOW! MAYBE YOU SHOULD HOOK UP WITH DOOMSGILRDREAMSKIRT. SHE SINGLE, OR WILL BE WHEN SHE READ THIS, AND SHE LIKED HOBYGOBY, AND YOU NOT THAT BAD!
From twitter, @DogGodThor asks: 'So, Frank. I need some ideas on how to show all my bitches a good time for Valentine's Day. What would you suggest?'
COCAINE! FRANK USUALLY NO SUGGEST DRUGS, BUT FRANK KNOWS HOW THE DOGGOD ROLLS, AND THE ONLY BITCHES THAT COULD KEEP UP WITH THE HOUND OF ODIN ARE BITCHES WHO CAN HOLD THEIR SNOW! MAYBE GET YOUR STUPID HUMAN TO MAKE IT IN SHAPE OF HEART!
From twitter, @DogGodThor asks: 'Related question. How much do you want for the old bones from your discarded parts? I hear the bitches love those.'
BITCHES DO INDEED LOVE BONES! FRANK HAPPY TO GIVE SOME AS AN OFFERING TO THE DOGGOD, BUT FRANK NEED KEEP SOME, IT VALENTINES DAY, AND BITCHES LOVE BONES!
From the internet, MrWhiteKnight asks: ‘Dear Frank, I find your use of the term bitches highly offensive.’
THAT NO QUESTION. IS STATEMENT. FRANK HAVE NOTHING BUT HIGHEST RESPECT FOR WOMEN. DOG GOD THOR IS TALKING ABOUT ACTUAL BITCHES. HE IS DOG. UNLESS HE PUT ON OVEN MITTS AND HAVE SEX WITH HUMAN WOMEN. PEANUT BUTTER PROBABLY INVOLVED. IN THAT CASE FRANK APOLOGIZE. FRANK NO MEAN OFFEND.
THAT IT FOR LOVE! NORMAL COLUMN BACK SOON!
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About the Author - Frankenstein, Former Agent of S.H.A.D.E.
Frankenstein is the swordwielding monsterfighting monster formerly employed by S.H.A.D.E., a global agency dedicated to fighting weird stuff. Unfortunately, Dan Didio laid off Frankenstein due to low sales, and Frank quickly lost the bulk of his intelligence trying to piece together DC continuity while updating his resume. Luckily, the Outhouse's staff is largely made up of dumb beasts, and Frank is now working as an contributing reporter while he is between jobs.
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