Wednesday, May 23, 2018 • Evening Edition • "Outhouser?! We barely know her!"

Frank Commentary: Living Humans Also Deserve Chance To Use Own Body Parts

Frank Commentary: Living Humans Also Deserve Chance To Use Own Body Parts

Frank have come to believe that if living human want to make commitment to body, government should not allow monsters to rip parts off for personal gain.

Source: inspired by Rob Portman

Frank have confession to make; Frank not always so nice to living humans. Frank used to see all you puny fire obsessed talking monkeys as walking part stores, but ever since Son of Frank told Frank and Bride of Frank that he is living human 2 years ago, Frank have to come to terms with desire for fresh parts and want for Son of Frank to be happy. This not easy choice for Frank, but so many years after Frank kill Dr. Frank it time for Frank to re-evaluate self and family.

Frank tell story: Two years ago, Son of Frank, who at time apprentice for mad scientist working on God Particle, told Frank and Bride of Frank that he human. Her said he know for long time, after getting physical for new job, and that this no something he chose, it who he is. Frank and Bride proud of Son for being brave enough to tell us that he is living parts store and no be afraid that we take arms for selves (Frank new job at The Outhouse give Frank carpal tunnel syndrome.) Frank no have to say that we very shocked by revelation, but he still same person we always be and now Frank and Bride of fuller understanding of who and what Son is.

At time of finding this out, Frank’s belief that humans are only here for monsters’ benefit was based on Sith Monster Code of Ethics’ tradition that humans are sacred gift from Cthulhu for monsters’ amusement. Knowing Son is human prompted Frank to look at issue in new light, and with new eyes (thank you now blind Vietnam vet), and from perspective that family is most important thing and Frank want Son to live happy life Frank never had.

Frank shamed to say that it took this long to come to terms with human Son of Frank. Frank spent much of the time since learning this about Son discussing problems with fellow monsters, most of who no like what Frank is doing. Frank friend, Jason Vorhees say that only good use for human body parts is to rip off and beat human to death with it, Wolfman just bark and growl until Frank fill food dish, and Dracula just get all high and mighty about it because Dracula is a dick. Frank try and talk to Chucky and Bride of Chucky, but they toys and no can reproduce, and they no can find D batteries anymore, so they no want to waste energy talking to, what they called, a traitor to the Sith who now fall in with lame Jedi. Frank decide it ok to break Chucky’s leg off and toss to wild dogs.

It just occur to Frank while writing this; How did Bride of Frank give birth to human? How did Bride of Frank give birth at all? Frank have to have talk with Bride, Frank beginning to think that Son of Frank might be Son of Milkman! That OK though, Frank raise Son like he own son, and Frank still love and support no matter what. That being said by Frank, if Bride of Frank no loyal to Frank then Bride have some explaining to do. Frank also just realize that Bride of Frank no human, so new morals no apply! This no mean that Frank abuse Bride, but you should no worry about her, she can always replace what Frank might break, but now it will only be from dead humans.

It progress!


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About the Author - Frankenstein, Former Agent of S.H.A.D.E.

Frankenstein is the swordwielding monsterfighting monster formerly employed by S.H.A.D.E., a global agency dedicated to fighting weird stuff. Unfortunately, Dan Didio laid off Frankenstein due to low sales, and Frank quickly lost the bulk of his intelligence trying to piece together DC continuity while updating his resume. Luckily, the Outhouse's staff is largely made up of dumb beasts, and Frank is now working as an contributing reporter while he is between jobs.


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