During a phone conference with Marvel COO Joe Quesada and Disney CEO, the frozen head of Walt Disney, an assembled crowd of fictional journalists learned the real reason why Richard Rider had been killed off.
"Listen, we don't want to be DC," said Quesada. "And string along fans for years about whether or not their favorites are coming back. As long as Disney owns Marvel, the character is off the table."
When asked why the character was staying dead, Quesada blushed. "Well, you see....Disney just doesn't want a character named Dick Rider," he stammered. "
"It's vulgar and inappropriate," added Disney via a robotic speakerbox underneath the dome holding his head.
Of course, the assembled crowd of journalists didn't like that explanation one bit. "He's never been called that in the comics!" shouted one journalist angrily.
"I like Dick Rider!" said another. "It sounds like someone I'd like to know."
"We prefer that all sexual references in our properties be a little less blatant," said Disney. "Have the word 'sex' spelled out in a cloud of smoke, hide some massive penises on a DVD cover, or spend 70 years producing animated shorts featuring an angry duck with a speech impediment that never wears pants. Calling a character 'Dick Rider' is just too extreme."
"What about if they changed Dick Rider into a girl?" asked another journalist. "Would it be okay then?"
"That was the first thing we tried," said Quesada. "But Disney just doesn't want Dick Riders as part of their company."
"We suggested that Marvel consider changing the character into something less offensive, such as an anthropomorphic crow that exemplifies the worst racial stereotypes about black people," Disney's head explained. "But we couldn't come to an agreement, so we ended up with Sam Alexander instead."
"The bottom line is, Disney is about wholesome family entertainment," Walt concluded, before encouraging everyone to go see Disney stars Selina Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens in their new movie, Spring Breakers.