Game of Thrones time, bitches. Incidentally, I feel as though this episode title would be more apt for something that’s likely several seasons away, but that’s just me. As always, spoilers and what have you.
Riverrun: Lord Holster Tully is dead, so they give him a Viking funeral of sorts. Or at any rate, Edmure tries- but does a pretty awful job of- hitting the boat with the fire arrow. (P.S. Long time no see Tobias Menzies aka Lieutenant Stepashin!) Later, Edmure and Robb argue about the Mountain, whom Edmure stupidly attacked rather than drawing him west like Robb wanted. Robb is very good at strategy. And boy, does he hate those Lannisters.
Speaking of which, Tywin holds his council with Littlefinger, Varys, Pycell, and Tyrion, plus the ever-lovely Cercei. They play a little game of musical chairs. But to the plotting! They still don’t have Jaime, but Petyr holds the title of Lord of Harrenhall, so they mean to marry him off to Lysa Arryn, who you might recall as Catelyn Stark’s crazy sister who still breast-feeds her eight-year-old son. Seeing as Lord Baelish will have to go off to the Vale, Tyrion is appointed Master of Coin.
Jaime and Brienne are being lead by a very merry band of brigands singing the Bear and the Maiden Fair, which I’m pretty sure is about Jorah. He warns Brienne that nothing good will come of this.
Gendry, meanwhile, is outfitting a different band of brigands. Arya tries to bring up the time the Hound murdered her friend the butcher’s boy, but the brotherhood is too busy packing him up to leave- by the by, Hot Pie isn’t going with them, he’s going to stick around and make bread at the inn. It’s in his blood, Arya! You can’t deny him his passion! She’s sad, though.
Catelyn is also sad, on account of being an orphan now. She talks with her uncle Brynden. At the same time, Lady Talissa is treating a young Lannister and telling him stories (i.e. lies) about her husband.
Up north the wildlings find the remains of some of the Night’s Watch, arranged in a crop circle of death and horror. Unfortunately only the horses are there, not the men, which means ICE ZOMBIES! Mance sends them to climb the wall and attack the Night’s Watch at Castle Black.
The stragglers of the Night’s Watch head back to Craster’s. He begrudgingly allows them to stay. Craster says they should be grateful for what they’ve been given, little as it is. He recommends they carve up Sam. He leaves, and sees Gilly deliver her son- which means he’s doomed to be sacrificed to The Others.
Theon update: released from torture by unknown dude. Said dude sends him off to his sister (Asha/Yara) in the east.
Mellisandre is heading off to locations unknown, and Stannis is needy and displeased by this. He wants her to make another shadow baby, but instead she wants to sacrifice one with the king’s blood to appease their lord of light.
In Astapor, Jorah and Selmy argue for Dany’s favour as they walk in the shadows of crucified slaves. Selmy says that they should have nothing to do with these slave cities, while Jorah points out that innocent people get killed in war all the time and they have to take what they can get. Danys decides to buy them with one of her dragons. Selmy and Jorah actually agree that that’s a terrible idea. She’s obviously up to something. She also gets Cressen’s translator, Missandei.
Pod gets eye-banged by Ros while collecting some books for Tyrion. Littlefinger points out that Tyrion owes Pod a debt for saving his life, while Littlefinger owes Tyrion a debt for saving Ros from Cercei. Our reward for this is a gratuitous sex scene! While Pod gets laid, Tyrion tries to figure out what the hell Littlefinger does to make money. The answer? They borrow it all from Tywin or the Iron Bank of Braavos, two notoriously ruthless lenders. Podrick comes back, coin in hand. Bronn and Tyrion are both confused as to why the prostitutes wouldn’t take money for their services. When they figure out it’s because they simply enjoyed their time with him, they sit him down and ask him for details.
Theon update: escapes but is immediately captured. Before he can be raped by his captors (seriously), mysterious dude saves him with arrows, telling him that winter is coming. Seriously, what the fuck is up with this?
Brienne is about to be raped pretty brutally by their captors. Jaime intervenes by saying that Tarth is known as the sapphire island for its wealth in gemstones (this is a lie), and that she’s worth a large ransom. They bring her back, undefiled. Once he’s saved Brienne and sucked up to I guess Vargo Hoat (why no lisp?!), he asks to be allowed to stretch out. Hoat acquiesces, and even calls for some roast partridge to be brought over. Before any supper can be served though, he pins Jaime to a table and yells at him for trying to be smart, when he’s really powerless without Tywin. Then he cuts off Jaime’s sword hand. Womp, womp.
Solid episode. I appreciate not being flung around as much as we were last week. Most of the scenes here aren’t too wildly different from the books, except for the one with Pod, which I admit cracked me up. The only thing that got me is the whole Stannis/Mellisandre thing. Even though there’s no doubt he’s sleeping with her, he’s still not supposed to be quite so… passionate.
Not sure exactly what’s in store for next week, but I suspect perhaps some fire! And Blood!