Okay, like I said earlier today, I am sort of really busy having a life. So enjoy your extremely abridged summary of this week’s Game of Thrones, even though really you should all be watching all of these episodes anyway, because they’re amazing.
Riverlands: Jaime is not great at fighting with his left hand. Later, he gets mopey about losing his hand, but Brienne tells him to man the fuck up.
King’s Landing: Varys lost his testicles because of a weird sorcerer, hence his distaste for magic. But don’t worry; he had FedEx ship the sorcerer over to him in a wooden box for his revenge. Actually, that guy was off in Myr, so it may have been DHL. Later, he speaks to Ros about Podrick’s sex skills and about Littlefinger’s plot to bring Sansa with him to the Eyrie.
Meanwhile, Joffery is being a little shit, telling Margery horror stories about the Targaryens. Cercei and Lady Olenna bemoan the stupidity of a patriarchal society and Margery attempts to teach Joffery how to be at good king.
Later, Cercei sees her father to complain about not being listened to on account of her vagina. He assures her it isn’t because of that, but because she isn’t as smart as she thinks she is. Tywin Lannister: instilling daddy issues since… however years work in Westeros.
At the same time, the Queen of Thorns gives us a brief overview of the seals and words of various houses, bemoaning that the Tyrells’ is rather dumb- roses, “Growing Strong.” Hey, I went to a school with a nut as a mascot, I understand. Varys comes to plot with her about Sansa’s future. Soon after, Margery comes to become besties with Sansa and invite her to Highgarden. Man, poor Sansa. Girl just wants to be happy but she’s getting played like a pawn.
Craster’s Keep: The Night’s Watch doesn’t particularly care for or trust Craster. Gilly doesn’t want the dingoes…erm, Others… to eat her baby.
Later, the men have to bury one of their own, which they blame Craster for, saying he withheld food. Craster tells Commander Mormont to get the fuck out. The men decide they’ve had enough of that, and a muderfest ensues. Sam sneaks away with Gilly.
Marshlands: Bran dreams he’s running after the three-eyed crow, which is interrupted by Catelyn throwing him off a branch.
Deepwood Motte: Theon bemoans his daddy issues to his rescuer. This culminates in him confessing to the murder of Bran and Rickon, landing him back on his torture stick. Womp womp.
Elsewhere in the Riverlands: Arya! She and Gendry and The Hound are brought to the brotherhood’s secret cave, where the supposed-to-be-dead Beric Dondarrion waits. Sandor Clegane is held accused in an amazing scene that expounds a good many important things. Regardless of his trespasses, he must fight Dondarrion in a trial-by-battle.
Astapor: In another pretty rad scene (that has the added bonus of making me like Danaerys a whole lot more), Dany hands over Drogon in exchange for the Unsullied. Her first act as their master is to order them (in High Valryian, much to their surprise) to slay the slave masters. She then calls upon them to follow her as free men, which they do, because honestly, who would fuck with the Dragon Mother?
Solid episode. Things happened. Things are happening. Things will happen. Stay tuned.