I should be learning about viruses and cancer and stuff, so let’s get started as quickly as my slowly-buffering HBO Go will allow. Spoilers! Also, this episode has a lot of great one-liners so you should definitely watch it.
North of the Wall: Sam is not very good at fires. He show Gilly his obsidian dagger, but she is not terribly impressed. She makes him sing for her.
South of the Wall: Meera and Osha fight over who’s best at skinning rabbits. Bran acts like the young prince he is and makes them shut up. Jojen has a fit, indicating a vision- he sees Jon Snow, and tells Bran he’s north of the wall.
North of the Wall, but not wherever Sam is: Jon and Ygritte discuss climbing the wall. Jon is nervous, but Ygritte is excited to see the world from the top of it. She goes on to tell him she knows he hasn’t truly left the night’s watch, but they’re together now, so they’ll still have to watch each other’s backs. Mance tells him not to scream if he falls off the wall. Jon always looks so… put upon.
Riverlands-ish: Arya practises with a bow. Arguy’s lessons are interrupted by… Mellisandre? What are you doing here? Apparently she’s here to see Dondarrion. She’s surprised Thoros has brought him back, though not as surprised as Thoros. Of course, being able to resurrect people will make a believer out of anyone. She’s here because she wants someone Beric has… and no, no, you will not take Gendry. What are you doing?! This is not how it goes! YOU LET HIM GO MELISANDRE! YOU CAN’T HAVE HIS BLOOD FOR YOUR WEIRD SACRIFICES! Arya agrees with my reservations.
At the Wall: the wildlings climb the wall. It is cold.
I guess the Iron Islands?: Theon’s still being tortured. His torturer makes him guess who he is, and Theon eventually reckons he’s brother to Torrhen Karstark, son of Rickon Karstark. Then we find out the torturer is lying, so he takes off some of Theon’s skin and so I guess he must be Roose Bolton’s bastard son Ramsey, because flaying is so totally Bolton, amirite?
Riverrun: The Freys demand an apology from Robb. Also they demand that his uncle marry a Frey (of which there are many, recall.) He agrees, though incredibly reluctantly.
Harrenhall: Bolton agrees to send Jaime back, but not Brienne. This displeases Jaime and confuses Brienne, though she should really be more concerned with finding a dress that doesn’t make her look like a Bernstein Bear.
King’s Landing: Tywin and Olenna discuss being old. They also debate whether or not homosexuality is an abomination, an argument Olenna wins when she points out that it’s better than incest. Tywin threatens to have Loras placed on the Kingsguard, effectively removing the Tyrell heir, if he doesn’t marry Cercei. (This confuses me, because in the book he’s already in the kingsguard and also they have an older son, Wylas.) Olenna consents with obvious reservations.
The Wall: still cold. Ygritte almost falls but Jon saves her.
King’s Landing: Sansa and Loras sit awkwardly and discuss their impending nuptials. Tyrion and Cercei watch, discussing who gets the worst deal out of the four of them. Cercei laments that the Lannisters are losing their power to the Tyrels and longs for Jaime’s return.
Shae (bitch) fits Sansa in a dull (I guess, I’m not really sure how you tell) gown while Sansa gabs excitedly about how lovely Highgarden will be. Man, Sansa, c’mon, you can’t trust anyone here, haven’t you figured that out? Tyrion comes in to warn her that her impending nuptials aren’t going to go exactly as she’s planned.
Varys walks into the throne room to find Petyr ‘mirin the Iron Throne. Littlefinger delivers a dramatic monologue about climbing to the top, and we see that Joffery, sadistic bastard that he is, crossbowed Ros to death and that Sansa is weeping while a ship sets out away from King’s Landing.
The Wall: The wildlings reach the top. It’s apparently real romantic because Jon and Ygritte make out for a while.
So, I get that sometimes they have to make changes in the show to simplify the impossibly complicated family tree of the book or to expedite certain events. But I seriously have no fucking clue what exactly is going on with this Theon stuff, and their complication of the Tyrell family might be confusing later. Plus, did I mention I’m really fucking pissed about this Gendry stuff? They’ve messed up everything happening at Storm’s End. Poor Davos, he’s the real victim here.
Right, sorry for rambling about the books when you’ve come here for the show. See y’all next week, when my finals are over and I can think coherently again.
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About the Author - DrImprobable
Before you ask, no, Dr. Improbable is not that kind of doctor, and will not be diagnosing your genital warts today. Seriously, put it away. The doc does more of the "mad science" brand of doctoring, though one day hopes to be that "time and space traveling" kind of doctor. In the meantime, Doc passes time cloning things, memorizing acronyms, and using large magnets. When not plotting all the terrible ways to destroy the human race (particularly those found on public transportation), the doc kills time by watching television and making sarcastic commentary on it.
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