MrKent is the newest writer at the Outhouse, having been won by Christian Hoffer in a poker game with Perry White. He's not a superhero, but he does talk to them, getting their perspective on all the latest news and events.
In the past week, I've been traipsing around the country, trying to get the celebrity perspective on Mother's Day from our favorite crime fighters. I decided to start in New York, as that's where the largest concentration of superheroes seems to be.
I first encountered Spider-Man, seeing him web slinging around Broadway. I managed to catch his attention, and he came down to ground level.
"What do you want," asked Spider-Man, "I'm very busy with important matters."
"Spidey! What are you doing for Mother's Day?" He just looked up at the sky for a moment, almost longingly, then looked back at me, sneered, and swung away. "Friendly neighborhood" my journalistic keister.
I then proceeded to Times Square, where the Avengers were battling some reprobates in Hazmat suits. While all of the other reporters were writing about the life-endangering action, I was the only one there asking the hard-hitting questions.
"Mr. Stark!" I waved down Iron Man, who currently had a Hazmat worker in a headlock and was giving him an noogie. "What are you doing for Mother's Day?"
"Visiting my mother's grave", the armored Avenger replied. He then threw the Hazmat worker at me, which was rude, but I guess that's what I get for rubbing salt in the wound. Either way, I figure that when you get hit by a henchman flying at ten miles an hour, it's time to get out of town.
I then headed to Metropolis, where I ran into Superman stepping out of a phone booth. I guess he's got no pockets for a cell phone in that suit of his, but honestly, I was more surprised that phone booths still existed at all. I asked him what a Kryptonian Mother's Day usually entailed.
"Well," he told me, "I didn't grow up on Krypton. I grew up here on Earth, and my parents died along with my planet." He then stared wistfully towards the sunset, and I could've sworn I heard him mumble something about Kansas. Either way, I knew I wasn't getting anything juicy out of him, so I hightailed it out of there while he was having a staring contest with Apollo.
Thinking maybe my problem was trying to talk to all of these titans, these super powered beings and users of super-science, I then decided to head to Gotham City to connect with somebody a little more human. Sadly, I couldn't find the demon Etrigan anywhere. But while walking into an alley, I found myself face to face with some muggers. They wanted my wallet, an idea I wasn't too keen on, on account of I have a card in there that I only need one more hole punched in before I get a free frozen yogurt. Thankfully, the Batman dropped down from the rooftops above and saved me.
"Gee Batman," I said, "you really saved my bacon. Thanks!" The Caped Crusader just nodded at me. "Say," I asked, "What are you doing for Mother's Day?" He turned around and started to walk away. "What about Robin?" Suddenly, he stopped walking. "He back home, visiting his Ma?"
Batman turned around, growled, and punched me in the face. Clearly the result of of a poor upbringing, and a bad relationship with his mother.
So kids, remember to give your mom a hug today. Or a call, if you're not there in person. Because they probably raised you better than Batman's mom raised him.