Hey guys! It’s Game of Thrones time! This episode brought to you by the almighty GRRM himself! Protip: If you start watching Game of Thrones on HBO Go before 9 CST, then precisely at 9 CST, everything will go to shit with the playback. On the bright side, I had to reload the intro like three times and that theme song is just so erotic. Also, apologies, I have a lot of subtle future spoiler complaints in here for non-book readers. Nothing blatant.
South of the Wall:
Ygritte makes fun of Jon some more for be a fancy-pants nancy boy from the south. Orell agrees with her, but in a significantly less flirty way. Jon continues to wear his stank-face.
Robb & Co. are being held up by the rains (not those of Castamere, yet, per se). Everyone sort of yells at him for not being the one marrying a Frey, but look at him, he doesn’t even care, he’s got his HOPA (a phrase I’ve never properly understood but reckon applies here). His pregnant HOPA! Also, look, more butts! Thanks, George R. R. Martin!
South of the wall:
Mance gives Jon some great sex advice, which involves the phrase “slick like a baby seal.” Gross. Also, Orell confesses his love for Ygritte, which is totes awkward, because she’s in love with Jon Snow. He assures her she’ll regret that decision.
Sansa weeps to Margery about the whole “she has to marry Tyrion” thing. Margery, though sympathetic, points out that he’s by no means the worst Lannister, and in fact has treated Sansa fairly decently. Sansa realises that Margery still has to marry His Highness the Shitbag, which is infinitely worse. Margery seems less than concerned, saying that she’s going to teach her son not to be a dickbag like his father. You know, I kind of like Show Margery. She’s spunky, and even though she’s a little manipulative, I don’t really think she’s all that bad. Anyway, Sansa starts freaking out about having to have sex with Tyrion.
Speaking of which, he’s having a chat with his best broseph Bronn (Aside: someone on Reddit called Podrick their “brotégé” and it was perfect), who gives him the very solid advice that if he tries to get everyone to love him, he’ll be the most popular dead man in the kingdom.
Are you ready for some Tywin burn? Better get your aloe ready ‘cause this shit’s hotter than a Targaryen dragon. His Lord Joff the Assbutt summons his grandfather into the throne room, where he sits upon the Iron Throne and attempts to have a power play with his uncle. Proving that no wanker of a thirteen- or sixteen- or whatever-he-is-on-this-show-year-old is going to stop his Game of Thrones, Tywin humiliates, infantilises, and chastises Joff all in one fell swoop. Tywin’s a bastard but my gods it is a beautiful moment.
Dany meets with one of the head slavers. He offers on behalf of the city (and really just sort of the east in general at this point) a whole lot of gold and also some ships. They really just want to get rid of her. Her counter bargain is that the slave masters can survive with their heads if they agree to free their slaves and give them food and clothing as payment. He calls her crazy, and says that Yunkai has strong friends who will take offense to this. She commands Jorah and Selmy to find out who they are.
Tyrion tries to beg Shae’s forgiveness for the wedding fiasco. She isn’t terribly receptive to his apologies, pointing out that he doesn’t really have anything to lose here, but she’s just a whore. Wait, wait, stop it self, don’t feel bad for her. Don’t feel bad for her. Goddammit I feel bad for her, though worse for Tyrion. Also, there’s a bit of somewhat amusing foreshadowing in their discussion, for book readers out there.
Okay what the fuck is going on with Gendry and Mellisandre? She’s brought him to King’s Landing to explain to him that Robert Baratheon is his father. Melodramatic much? And also she waxes philosophical about how we can rise up from the pit to be something greater. Also, that’s a stupid detour to take that wasn’t on the way to Storm’s End at all.
Arya snaps at Beric for giving up Gendry. He’s unapologetic but placates her, saying it was as The Red God wanted. She says her only god is Death. Aww, is she going through her Goth phase already? Arguy comes in to report they’ve found a Lannister raiding party. She’s pissed they won’t be taking her to Riverrun and her mother and runs off. She’s promptly captured by Sandor Clegane.
Jaime visits Brienne to apologise for her capture. He tells her that Bolton is heading off to the Frey wedding (which, by the way, should be kind of suspicious since Bolton is helping the Lannisters by sending Jaime back) but Lorch will stay behind. And Lorch is just so pleasant. She forgives him though, as long as he promises to send back the Stark girls, which he does. When he departs the next day, Lorch makes some blunt threats on Brienne.
Wherever in the Seven Hells:
Hey! Gratuitous and confusing Theon scenes! In this one, we watch him be seduced by two women (HBO, we get it, you can show whatever body parts you want) in a way that is somehow completely un-arousing and oddly terrifying. Sure enough, probably-Ramsey-Bolton/Reek comes in, blows his horn (not a euphemism) for some coitus interruptus, and sets about dismembering Theon’s dick. I… I need to take a break for a second.
South of the Wall:
Jon tries to warn Ygritte that they’ll never be able to take the wall. He recounts the stories he learned as a boy. She denies it at first, but eventually relents, saying if they die, they’ll die together. Then they make out some more.
Osha gets jealous of all the heart-to-hearts Jojen’s been having with Bran. When she confronts them about it, Bran says they’ll have to go north, beyond the wall, to find the three-eyed raven. She flat-out refuses, telling them the story of her dead lover who came back as an Other.
Jaime asks why Cresson lost his maester’s chains and learns it’s because he went full Nazi and did human experiments. He counters by asking how many Jaime has killed and thus how many he’s saved. Jaime insists he saved King’s Landing, but also asks what happened with Brienne. Cresson says he sent a raven and one returned offering 300 dragons; Lorch, however, refused, thinking that Brienne’s father owns all the sapphires in Westeros. Jaime demands that they return.
They do, and in the nick of time, as Brienne is in a bear pit, attempting to fight a totally-not-CGI-grizzly with a wooden sword. Jaime jumps in, because apparently a handless man is the best candidate for defending a damsel in distress! Fortunately, his life is worth quite a bit, so his “rescuers” shoot the bear with a crossbow and help him and Brienne to safety.
So, okay, I generally expect a lot from GRRM-written episodes (Blackwater!), but this suffered the same thing that a lot of the other ones have this season- trying to be in too many places at once. I get that he probably wanted to give several of the characters treatments they deserve, but it’s hard to do that when you only have a handful of minutes for each of them. Since I guess I know where most of this stuff is going (exceptions: Gendry, Theon) I can see where it all converges and diverges, but events feels so choppy from episode to episode right now. I’m not saying we have to have one episode at a time for each locale, but it couldn’t hurt to maybe ignore characters on a rotation. Of course, I assume the producers have to treat the audience as idiots who are going to forget everything, and that’s why we instead have to deal with very choppy, albeit good, storytelling. If nothing else, some interactions today were priceless- Tyrion and Bronn; Tyrion and Shae; Tywin and Joffery; Jaime and Jaime (self-conflict!).
Uh yeah, mostly just my love/hate/love/hate relationship with the Lannisters.