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How to Kill Time the Avengers Way

Written by MrKent on Sunday, May 26 2013 and posted in Features

How to Kill Time the Avengers Way

Mr. Kent talks to the Avengers to find out how they spend a prolonged vacation.


So the new Avengers cartoon, Avengers Assemble is finally here. It's been about six months since the previous Avengers cartoon, The Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes ended. Six months without the protectors of New York and also the rest of the planet sometimes. This reporter met with the members of the Avengers to see how they spent their downtime.


I first caught up with the team's leader, Tony Stark, AKA Iron Man, outside of a shawarma shop that he's been known to visit on occasion.



Mr. Kent: Mr. Stark! Do you have a moment?


Tony Stark: Hey, don't I know you?


Mr. Kent: No.


Tony Stark: Sure I do! You're the guy I hit with that AIM operative!


Mr. Kent: Right. That. Good times, huh?


Tony Stark: I hate you.


Mr. Kent: Irregardless-


Tony Stark: That's not actually a word.


Mr. Kent: It's in the dictionary, so I'm counting it. Irregardless, what have you been up to in the six month gap between the previous Avengers cartoon, Earth's Mightiest Heroes, and the current one, Avengers Assemble?


Tony Stark: Are you serious?


Mr. Kent: I take my job very seriously, Mr. Stark.


Tony Stark: Iron Man 3! I've been doing Iron Man 3!


Mr. Kent: You might want to check your numbers, Mr. Stark. I'm pretty sure you've made considerably more than three Iron Man suits.


Tony Stark: No, you idiot! Iron Man 3!


Mr. Kent: I don't follow.


Tony Stark: How don't you follow!? Everyone's been talking about it for weeks!


Mr. Kent: I don't really follow modern art. I'm more of a Picasso man myself.


Tony Stark: Modern ar- IT'S A MOVIE! A REALLY BIG MOVIE!


Mr. Kent: Oh! I only go see one movie a year.


Tony Stark: So if you're not seeing Iron Man 3, what are you seeing this year? Thor 2?


Mr. Kent: Nope.


Tony Stark: Man of Steel?


Mr. Kent: Nope.


Tony Stark: What, then?


Mr. Kent: Disney's Planes. I love the Cars movies!


At this point, Tony Stark threw half-eaten shawarma in my face and pushed me to ground, then stormed off. I have concluded that he has spent the past six months being a big a dumb jerk, like he always is.


I next headed to Arizona, where the Incredible Hulk had been spotted last. I found him at the Grand Canyon, and proceeded to ask him some questions.



Mr. Kent: Excuse me, Hulk, can I ask you a few questions?


Hulk: Why hat man want ask Hulk questions?


Mr. Kent: I'm a reporter.


Hulk: You not work for tabloids, do you? Hulk tired of National Inquirer telling lies about Hulk and Captain Marvel!


Mr. Kent: No, I work for the Outhouse.


Hulk: Hulk never heard of it.


Mr. Kent: So you know we don't slander you!


Hulk: This true. What hat man want ask?


Mr. Kent: What have you been doing during the six months between the last Avengers cartoon, Earth's Mightiest Heroes, and the new one, Avengers Assemble?


Hulk: Hulk been practicing religion.


Mr. Kent: Really? I did not know you were a religious man.


Hulk: Hulk not like any religions, so Hulk invent own religion! Hulk call it "Smashism".


Mr. Kent: Really?


Hulk: In beginning, all things; water, plants, animals, here in Arizona. Then big fist come from sky and smash Arizona, making Grand Canyon and scattering life all over the world!


Mr. Kent: And you believe this?


Hulk: Hulk have no reason not to.


Mr. Kent: And how many converts have you gotten to this religion?


Hulk: Just one so far. Fat guy with long hair in New Jersey Hulk meet on Chatroulette. But Smashism will soon be biggest religion in world.


Mr. Kent: How do you figure?


Hulk: Well, if people not convert, then HULK SMASH!


Mr. Kent: Yes, well, all praise the giant smashing sky fist!


Hulk: That the spirit!


Mr. Kent: Have you been doing anything else?


Hulk: Hulk do bit of moonlighting for DC. Play part of Solomon Grundy in new Injustice game.


Mr. Kent: I knew it!


After being taught the five hymns of the Giant Sky Fist (one for each finger and the thumb), I managed to arrange a meeting with Nick Fury, the director of S.H.I.E.L.D., as well as agent Natasha Romanov, AKA "Black Widow", and Agent Clint Barton, AKA "Hawkeye".



Mr. Kent: Thank you all for meeting with me. Let's start with you, Agent Barton. What have you been doing in the six months between the last Avengers cartoon, Earth's Mightiest Heroes, and the current one, Avengers Assemble?


Hawkeye: Well, I-


Nick Fury: That's classified.


Mr. Kent: Ok… Agent Romanov, same question.


Black Widow: For the past six months, I have-


Nick Fury: That's classified.


Mr. Kent: Got it. Director Fury, same question.


Black Widow and Hawkeye: That's classified.


Mr. Kent: I see. Thank you for your time.


While I was unable to get much information from Director Fury, he did arrange for a meeting between myself and Captain America. I headed to Washington DC, where I met with the captain right by the Washington Monument.



Mr. Kent: It's an honor to meet you, sir.


Captain America: My pleasure. I have nothing but respect for newspapermen and their eternal pursuit of the truth.


Mr. Kent: Actually, I don't write for a newspaper. I write for the Internet.


Captain America: That's fine. Any way to spread the word. What site do you write for, exactly?


Mr. Kent: The Outhouse.


Captain America: Never heard of it.


Mr. Kent: Neither has the Hulk.


Captain America: Well, just between you and me, I'm not entirely sure the Hulk can read.


Mr. Kent: Then how'd he write all of those prayers?


Captain America: Prayers?


Mr. Kent: Never mind. What have you been doing in the six months between the last Avengers cartoon, Earth's Mightiest Heroes, and the current one, Avengers Assemble?


Captain America: Push-ups.


Mr. Kent: Push-ups?


Captain America: Lots of push-ups.


Mr. Kent: And just push-ups?


Captain America: Well, no. There's also sit-ups and pull-ups. And I've been reciting the Pledge of Allegiance a lot.


Mr. Kent: Is there anything else you do?


Captain America: What else is there?


After that exciting conversation, I flew over to Fredrikstad, Norway, where Thor was supposedly spending some downtime. I met with him in a bar I couldn't even begin to pronounce the name of, much less spell.



Mr. Kent: So, Thor, Iron Man told me you have a movie coming out later this year.


Thor: Aye, this is so. I do indeed star in a motion picture coming out at the end of this year.


Mr. Kent: So is that what you've been doing between the previous Avengers cartoon and the current one?


Thor: Nay, my involvement in the film has been concluded for some time. I have since spent my time getting drunk and fighting.


Mr. Kent: Is that it? Getting drunk and fighting?


Thor: 'Tis the great Asgardian pastime!


Mr. Kent: Fighting with who?


Thor: With anybody foolhardy or brave enough to challenge the might of Thor!


Mr. Kent: So, hypothetically speaking, if I wanted to get drunk and fight with you, would you agree to it?


Thor: If thou wish it so, I would indeed.


Mr. Kent: Let's rock.


I do not really recall the evening after that, but I have since been deported back to the USA in traction and have been barred from ever returning to Scandinavia. Something about "civilian casualties as a result of my moronic actions". I don't really know. At any rate, this is Mr. Kent, reminding you all that pulling a god's hair will not gain you an advantage in hand-to-hand combat.


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About the Author - MrKent

MrKent writes for the Outhouse, having been won by Christian Hoffer in a poker game with Perry White. He's not a superhero, but he does talk to them, getting their perspective on all the latest news and events. He has had restraining orders served to him by at least 17 members of the superhuman community, with at least a dozen more pending.



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