- Written by Frankenstein, Former Agent of S.H.A.D.E. on Thursday, June 06 2013 and posted in Features
FRANK HERE TO HELP!
Source: FRANK DON'T NEED SOURCE!
FRANK KNOW, FRANK KNOW, FRANK SKIP LAST WEEK! FRANK WANT SAY "SORRY" BUT FRANK REALLY NEEDED DAY OFF!
ANOUNCEMENT, FRANK OFFICIALLY OUT OF QUESTIONS NOW, SO IF NO WANT FRANK SKIP NEXT WEEK YOU ASK FRANK!
From www.theouthousers.com, Lord Simian asks: 'You started an advice column not TOO long after the death of Ann Landers. Did you get any of her parts after she died, is that what led you to this column format?'
FIRST FRANK WANT SAY THAT ANN LANDERS AWESOME LADY WHO MORE PEOPLE SHOULD HAVE READ! THAT BEING SAID, DEAR ABBY BETTER COLUMN! FRANK THOUGHT ABOUT SALVAGING ANN’S REMAINS, BUT FRANK WANTED TO BE OWN MONSTER AND NO HAVE OUTSIDE INFLUENCE ON ADVICE WRITING! IT WORK OK FOR FRANK EXCEPT FRANK RARELY GET ASKED ADVICE QUESTIONS, USUALLY SILLY QUESTIONS FROM OVER GROWN MONKEYS!
From twitter, @Annie_Morris27 asks: '@DCFrankenstein why do the dwarves come off comical in The Hobbit book, but serious and badass in the movie? Why the inaccuracy?'
LITTLE KNOWN FACT: TOLKIEN MASSIVE SPECIESIST! ORPHAN GIRL RE-READ BOOKS; ELVES ALL NICE AND PRETTY AND TALK FOREVER, HUMANS RULE WORLD, AND HOBBITS ALWAYS CODDLED. BUT POOR DWARVES TREATED LIKE USELESS HOUSE ELVES! DWARVES AWESOME AND DISSERVE RESPECT, UNLIKE HOUSE ELVES WHO DIRTY CREATURES AND FRANK LAUGH WHEN DOBBY GET HURT. FRANK NO SAYING THAT DWARVES CREEP FRANK OUT (THEY DO, LIKE ALL “LITTLE PEOPLE”) BUT THEY THROW AXES, AND THAT PRETTY COOL.
REASON FOR CHANGE IS PC NONSENSE! PETER JACKSON ALREADY IN TROUBLE FOR MAKING ONE BOOK THREE MOVIES FOR NO GOOD REASON, HE ALSO HAVE TO ADD GIRL ELF SO HE NO GET YELLED AT ON TUMBLR BY TWEEN GIRLS, SO HE MAKE DWARVES BADASSES SO INTERNET FEELS NO PUT HIM IN HOSPITAL!
From facebook, Griffin Knox asks: 'A Russian shrink once looked at me quizzically and said these EXACT words: "You have a bad head on your shoulders". Any idea what the fuck that's supposed to mean?--- to this day, I have NO IDEA.'
IT MEAN YOU NEED NEW HEAD. THAT PRETTY OBVIOUS, FRANK KNOW WHEN BRIDE OF FRANK SAY SHE HAVE BAD MILK SHE NEED NEW MILK. IF DOCTOR TELL KNOX (FROM WWE?) HE NEED NEW HEAD, GET NEW HEAD! DUH!
OH, WAIT, FRANK SORRY, THE GRIFFITH NEED NEW HEAD, HE NO KNOW WHAT THAT MEAN BECAUSE HIS HEAD WRONG! FRANK TAKE PITY ON FRIEND OF JUDE AND HELP GET NEW HEAD NEXT TIME FRANK GO TO STORE/MORGUE! ONE THING FRANK WANT GRIFFIN TO THINK ABOUT, IT RUSSIAN DOCTOR WHO TELL YOU THIS; EXCHANGE RATE WITH RUSSIAN DOCTOR ONLY EQUAL TO ONE AMERICAN CAB DRIVER, SO MAYBE GET SECOND OPINION BEFORE NEW HEAD!
From skype, judeterror asks: 'Frank, in an alternate universe where you were never fired from DC and your book was being quadruple shipped for Villains Month, who would grace your photoshopped 3D hologram covers?'
IF FRANK HAVE THREE 3D COVERS FRANK USE ALL OF THEM FOR KATE UPTON’S LEFT BOOB, RIGHT BOOB, BUTT, AND FULL BODY IMAGE! THIS MAKE FRANK HAPPY! FRANK NEED MINUTE!
Follow-up question from judeterror: Why not just get a comic book artist to draw a 3D cover where both Upton's boobs and butt are visible in the same picture? They seem to like doing that.
WHAT PART OF “FULL BODY IMAGE” JUDE NO UNDERSTAND?
From skype, Steven Harris asks: 'Dear Frank, which of the 56 DC books should I pick up during Septmeber?'
AS STEPHAN KNOW, FRANK NO FAN OF DC AND WANT SAY “NONE!” BUT FRANK REALLY LIKE FLASH AND FRANK STILL BUY THAT, EVEN IF LAME GIMMICK MONTH! OTHER THAN FLASH, FRANK NO KNOW, BATMAN HAVE FOUR COMICS THAT MONTH,
STEVE KNOW HOW MUCH WEED THAT IS? STEVE KNOW HOW MUCH VODKA THAT IS? A LOT MORE THAN FOUR COMICS SHOULD BUY COMIC PRICES BAD!
FORGET DC, READ ASTRO CITY, IT VERTIGO BOOK SO FRANK STILL ON TOPIC!
From skype, Keb asks: 'Dear Frank, why is Jude sleeping on Supreme Clientele?'
FRANK UNFAMILIAR WITH THAT SUPREME COURT JUSTICE, BUT HE HAVE SAME NAME AS HORSE FRANK ONCE RODE/SQUISHED! THAT REMIND FRANK, REMEMBER OLD CARTOON, LAMBERT: THE SHEEPISH LION? THAT GOOD CARTOON! FRANK WANT WATCH NOW! FRANK NEED COOKIES!
THAT ALL FOR THIS WEEK, AND MAYBE ALL WEEKS IF FRANK NO GET MORE QUESTIONS (MAYBE ONES ASKING FOR ADVICE)!
HAVE GOOD DAY!
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About the Author - Frankenstein, Former Agent of S.H.A.D.E.
Frankenstein is the swordwielding monsterfighting monster formerly employed by S.H.A.D.E., a global agency dedicated to fighting weird stuff. Unfortunately, Dan Didio laid off Frankenstein due to low sales, and Frank quickly lost the bulk of his intelligence trying to piece together DC continuity while updating his resume. Luckily, the Outhouse's staff is largely made up of dumb beasts, and Frank is now working as an contributing reporter while he is between jobs.
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