Friday, December 26, 2014 • Morning Edition • "We're so sorry, DC. Please take us back."

Top Five Most Patriotic Captain America Moments

Written by Jude Terror on Thursday, July 04 2013 and posted in Features

Top Five Most Patriotic Captain America Moments

In honor of the 4th of July, The Outhouse presents the top five most patriotic Captain America moments! Enjoy!



Fireworks! Barbecues! Orgies of rampant consumerism! Independence Day is the quintessential American holiday, and what better way to celebrate it than by remembering some of the most patriotic moments starring the quintessential American hero, Captain America?!

Steve Rogers has always embodied the values that America stands for, and as those values have changed over the decades, Captain America has changed with them. And if we, as a country, have, shall we say, failed to live up to our own ideals in recent times, it's only natural that Captain America would reflect those failings. We're not going to go so far as to say that, if the iconic Captain America Comics #1 cover were published today, Cap might be shaking hands with Hitler rather than punching his lights out, but...

Well, okay, we guess we did just say it. It's with that in mind that we've compiled our list of the Top Five Most Patriotic Captain America moments:

 


#5 - Steve Rogers Becomes Head of S.H.I.E.L.D.

What could be more American than becoming the head of an international espionage organization that operates unilaterally and considers itself above international law? As we all recently learned, spying on your own citizens is as American as genetically modified apple pie, but, back in 2010, before anyone outside the "tin foil hat crowd" had realized America was a full blown Orwellian dystopia, Captain America was appointed as head of national security by President Obama at the end of Marvel's Dark Reign and Siege storyline. If only Cap were still in charge of things, he could have gotten his hands on that no-good tattletale Edward Snowden before he spilled the beans on the government's grossly unconstitutional surveillance program, and America's uppity peasantry wouldn't be rabble-rousing on the internet about their silly "rights" and "privacy."

 


#4 - Captain America Tries to Arrest Hope Summers

America has a proud history of detaining innocent people indefinitely with no trial, from Japanese internment camps during World War 2 to the Guantanamo Bay detainment and interrogation facility, so, it's no surprise that the Sentinel of Liberty would try to arrest Hope Summers, an teenage girl who had committed no crimes, at the beginning of Marvel's Avengers vs. X-Men super-mega-crossover event comic. Cap justified his actions by claiming that an evil cosmic bird force was going to possess Hope and destroy the planet, but, frankly, he had no real proof and didn't even try to get a warrant. Why should he? Captain America knows what's best for everyone, and if you don't comply, he has no problem responding with violent, super-powered aggression. This leads us to our next moment...

 


#3 - Captain America and the Avengers Invade Utopia

The ability to strike with deadly force anywhere on the planet at a moment's notice, often with unmanned drone attacks that destroy entire villages, is one of things that makes America "special," so we found it quite appropriate to see Cap lead his super-powered assault team, the Avengers, in an unprovoked invasion of the sovereign nation of Utopia, the home of the peace-loving mutant minority group, the X-Men. Cap claimed he needed to attack the X-Men because the Phoenix Force was going to possess the teenage Hope Summers, but her grandfather and legal guardian, mutant leader Scott Summers, refused to surrender her to the custody of the  Rogers, alcoholic billionaire Tony Stark, and known child killer Wolverine so that she could be illegally detained on the moon. Cap's actions kicked off a massive war that lasted longer than anyone expected, cost the taxpayers billions of dollars, further degraded our country's reputation, and left the people of the invaded nation shattered, just like the United States does once or twice a decade.

 


#2 - Captain America Tries to Overthrow a Foreign Regime

In Marvel's Secret War, Captain America leads a covert superhero invasion of Eastern European nation Latveria to depose their democratically elected government, secretly motivated by a desire to gain tighter control over the international supervillain arms trade. Making things more complicated, Cap's actions were unsanctioned because the U.S. government was sponsoring the Latverian regime in the first place. The attack caused an international incident that resulted in a reprisal by cyborg Latverian Prime Minister Lucia von Bardas, in which many innocent people were killed. But hey, you can't build a sprawling, fear-inspiring global empire make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.

 


#1 - Cap Gets a Boob Job

What says "America" more than giant fake titties?! Back in the 1990s, under the guidance of superstar artist Rob Liefeld, Captain America underwent plastic surgery to get massive breast implants, as well as other anatomically impossible adjustments. Of course, body modification was par for the course for Steve Rogers by this time. After all, he first gained super powers by injecting the ultimate performance enhancing drug, the Super Soldier Serum, and, in the classic eighties storyline Man and Wolf, well... a picture is worth more than a thousand words:

Modern American role models like The Real Housewives of (Insert City or State Here) have nothing on Captain America when it comes to elective medical procedures with frightening results.

 


We hope you enjoyed our Top Five Patriotic Captain America Moments. As you're drinking Bud Light and gulping down weiners today, please take a moment to post your angry, jingoistic responses in the comments section below.

Now, let's remember the good old days.






Help spread the word, loyal readers! Share this story on social media:




Comment without an Outhouse Account using Facebook

We get it. You don't feel like signing up for an Outhouse account, even though it's FREE and EASY! That's okay. You can comment with your Facebook account below and we'll take care of adding it to the stream above. But you really should consider getting a full Outhouse account, which will allow you to quote posts, choose an avatar and sig, and comment on our forums too. If that sounds good to you, sign up for an Outhouse account by clicking here.

Note: while you are welcome to speak your mind freely on any topic, we do ask that you keep discussion civil between each other. Nasty personal attacks against other commenters is strongly discouraged. Thanks!
Help spread the word, loyal readers! Share this story on social media:


About the Author - Jude Terror


Jude Terror is the Webmaster Supreme of The Outhouse and a sarcastic ace reporter dedicated to delivering irreverent comics and entertainment news to The Outhouse's dozens of loyal readers. Driven by a quest for vengeance, Jude Terror taught himself to program and joined The Outhouse. He instantly began working toward his goal of forcing the internet comics community to take itself less seriously and failing miserably.  Ironically, our webmaster, whose website skills know no end, has very little understanding of social networks or how they work.  Regardless, you can find him on Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr, but would probably have the most luck just emailing him.

 


More articles from Jude Terror
The Outhouse is not responsible for any butthurt incurred by reading this website. All original content copyright the author. Banner by Ali Jaffery - he's available for commission!