Greetings, comrades. It is I, your El Presidente, reporting to you live from the back of the Loch Ness Monster. Why? Because the juicy rumor I'm about to share with you is as believable as a former Cuban dictator riding on the back of a plesiosaur in a Scottish lake!
Latino Review has gotten their hands on a copy of Beyond Batman: The Unauthorized True Story of Christian Bale and His Dark Knight Dilemma, a $3 Kindle Book, and is reporting that the actor has been offered $50,000,000 to reprise the role of Batman in the upcoming Superman vs. Batman film.
Never mind the fact that Latino Review is treating an unauthorized biography as some sort of reportable source, but doesn't that amount strike you as a litttle...small?
I checked in with my far more reputable Hollywood insider sources and they've EXCLUSIVELY revealed to me that Warner Bros. has offered Bale $100,000,000,000 to play Batman again. Not only that, they're also offering the actor an island nation of their choice and are EXCLUSIVELY working with the US government to stage a violent coup that will lead to Bale's ascension as the head of that country. And WB is throwing in an experimental orbital space station in the deal, provided they can film scenes for a Justice League movie there.
So what are my sources, faithful readers? Well this dicator will never tell, but I won't say that it wasn't a pamphlet entitled "Christian Bale's Sinister Plans to Take Over the World: How Warner Bros is Financing His Plans for Global Domination" that a homeless man handed me when I left Starbucks yesterday.
Well that's my scoop, for today. Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to ride this plesiosaur I'm on into the sunset. Until next time, faithful readers!