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The Top Ten Reasons Why Batman VS. Superman Will Suck

Written by Doc Jon on Thursday, August 15 2013 and posted in Features

The Top Ten Reasons Why Batman VS. Superman Will Suck

The movie may be two years away, but it's never too early to get started on one of these lists.

10. Because Batman will have a chance against Superman.

Ok, let's address this one first. I know Batman kicks Superman's ass every other month in the comics since the Dark Knight Returns, but that's pure bs. Bats only had a chance in that fight because Superman was trying to talk to Batman and not kill him. This was after 40-something years of friendship, and Superman didn't want to hurt his friend. In this new movie, Superman doesn't know Bats, and should take roughly 4.78 seconds to strip him naked and place him on top of the Washington Memorial.

9. Because of the angst of it all!

I cannot express how strongly I dislike DC's attempt to 'Marvelize' their characters by suddenly giving them angst, no matter how forced or unnatural it is. This is what gave us the Flashpoint Barry Allen, who puts Batman's mommy issues to shame. The Flash basically rebooted the entire universe twice because he has some hidden unresolved sexual desire for his maternal unit. Superman is now a sullen, outcast with alienation (that's right, I'm clever) issues. Sorry, DC, but it doesn't work. It's hard to empathize with a guy who's cut like a bodybuilder, with the features of a GQ model, and the powers of a god.

8. Because we have a Superman that kills, and a Batman that doesn't save people.

In other words, for all the little fan nods and shit they stole from good comics, the creative teams on these movies DO NOT KNOW these characters. These are two guys that do not want to see anyone die, be it their greatest enemy or some random passerby. In the movies, we get a Superman that not only actively kills, but that engaged in a fight where millions MUST have died, and a Batman that has no difficulty watching his enemy die from a rocket to the chest.

7. Because the fight scenes will have a frenetic pace to the point where I can't see anything anyway.

I like cgi. I really do. But looking forward to having a blu-ray copy of a movie so that I can slow that shit down and see what's really happening is a bad sign that you can't really tell what's happening. It's as if Snyder balances out the overuse of slow motion by fast-forwarding the rest of the action scene.

6. Because Superman flies (I did it again!) in the face of the 'realistic' world they worked so hard to build in the Nolan Trilogy.

Self-explanatory, really. You cannot have a world grounded in reality, where Ra's al Ghul's Lazarus Pit is too 'comic-booky', and then throw in an alien god raised in Kansas.

5. Because we don't even know which Batman we're getting.

This is supposed to be the beginnings of a shared universe, but what does that mean? Is this the same Batman, and if so, how could that be? Will it be Bale, the broken bat that was only Batman for a year? Or will it be JGL, the guy that made that really terrible movie with the bike messenger thing that refused to use brakes, and who is way too small to be Batman? If it isn't, then this means that this is less of a merging of the two universes, but rather a Superman sequel and a Batman reboot. Seriously WB, you could not have planned this worse if you tried.

4. Because we're getting yet another Batman or Superman movie.

I'm getting sick of these two. Marvel managed to make over a billion dollars on Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, the Hulk, Black Widow, and Hawkeye. These aren't even their A-list properties (because they sold those rights to Sony and 20th Century Fox) but it's what they had to work with, and boy did they make it work. Give us someone else, anyone else, and please don't make it a comedy vehicle for Ryan Reynolds.

3. Because Frank Miller is being consulted.

Frank Miller created the quintessential Batman. His characterization of the Dark Knight has become the most popular version of the character. It can be seen in almost every iteration of the Batman since the publication of the Dark Knight Returns. That being said, Miller has been responsible for some heaping turds as of late. The Spirit alone should be enough to get someone a lifetime ban from Hollywood. When Uwe Boll points and laughs at your film, you know you shouldn't be in the business. Frank Miller's greatest contribution to Batman is already on the page, just take the time to read it. Or just ask David Goyer, he's been ripping off Miller's best stuff for years now.

2. Because this movie will make money.

This is Superman and Batman, it will simply make money. No matter how terrible, or mediocre, or blah the movie may be, it's going to draw people to the theater. That's why we're still getting movies after Batman and Robin or Superman Returns. This can be a good thing, but the flipside is that there is simply little motivation to make a great film.

1. Because Lex Luthor is going to be involved.

This is almost guaranteed due to fact that we already had one entire Superman movie without L.L. Not only is he the arch-nemesis of Superman, but he's a billionaire industrialist, and who else do we know is a billionaire industrialist? This will mark almost 40 years where Lex Luthor and General Zod are the only two onscreen villains that the Man of Steel has ever faced. Even Kevin Spacey couldn't save the role last time. When Kaiser fucking Sozei can't breathe new life into a character, it's time to give that character a break. Now I'm going to go watch Scott Pilgrim again... 

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