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Fake DC Shocker: Everyone Will Be Batman!

Written by Zenguru on Monday, September 23 2013 and posted in Features

Fake DC Shocker: Everyone Will Be Batman!

A fictional interview with DC Co-Publisher Dan Didio reveals the details on DC's upcoming fictional super-mega-crossover event, Everyone Will Be Batman.

Since so many people here have had interviews with imaginary Dan Didio, I thought I'd give it a shot. So, after downing impossibly copious quantities of Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Old Crow, and What Have You, I typed up a conversation that never took place in the real world.

Zenguru: So I'm here with Imaginary Dan Didio to discuss the latest crossover to shake up the DC universe like none before it. Thanks for being here, Imaginary Dan!

Dan Didio: You're welcome. But could you please call me Pseudo Didio?

Z: Why?

DD: Because it sounds like an old Phil Collins song. And I'm a big Phil Collins fan.

Z: Actually, that's too long. But I will call you P. Didi for short. How's that?

P. Didi: . . . . . .

Z: Great! Now give us the dirt on “Everyone Will Be Batman!”

P. Didi: Quite simply, our heroes are still too happy. We need to darken them up a bit.

Z: Explain how you're going to do that.

P. Didi: As you know, I once said our heroes don't deserve happy lives. Being happy takes away from them being 100% dedicated to heroism. And I totally agree with me on that. You know how Daredevil is the original Man Without Fear? Well, Batman is the original Man Without Happiness. By the way, we will be putting that tagline on all our Bat books.

Z: Kudos for the Marvel comparison. Please continue.

P. Didi: Batman's parents were killed when he was a kid. Everybody knows that. As a result, he grew up unhappy and grimly dedicated to seeing justice done. The object of this crossover is to bring DC's heroes more in line with that attitude. The villains are getting more and more ruthless. While the bulk of our heroes, especially Superman, are still way too nice. If something isn't done soon, millions of people are going to die. This is about what our heroes do to overcome that.

Z: And how do they accomplish this?

P. Didi: By going back in time and killing their parents, of course.

Z: Oh . . . wait, what?

P. Didi: It has to be done. People are in danger. Jail time for Joker and Luthor just doesn't work anymore. The kid gloves have to come off. No more Silver Age softness. And that isn't going to happen with their current pleasant outlook on life.

Z: But . . . ah . . . assuming they do this, how do they go back? Lord of Time? Doctor Fate?

P. Didi: Easy, Doc Doom's time machine.

Z: But . . . that's a Marvel thing!

P. Didi: Not necessarily. If you remember, during JLA/Avengers, Reed Richards used a version of it to travel between universes. Therefore, it is not too much of a reach to assume a version of it was left in the Batcave. Besides, Kurt Busiek had so many artifacts crossing between dimensions in that story, who's to say what was left where?

Z: Makes sense.

P. Didi: Of course it does!

Z: So, DC's heroes travel back in time to kill their parents so they grow up with a harder edge to deal more harshly with today's villains.

P. Didi: Exactly! Except, of course, for those heroes whose parents were already lost to crime. Basically Tim Drake, Dick Grayson, and Bruce Wayne. They don't need to go back in time. Someone has to bring the heroes back, y'know.

Z: Sounds like a grand, sweeping epic. Where did you get the idea for this?

P. Didi: From a Punisher proposal I wrote a few years ago. It never saw print.

Z: What happened there?

P. Didi: The story begins in Punisher's future. Frank Castle has killed thousands upon thousands, perhaps millions, of criminals. But he's still plagued over the death of his family. He never found out who did it. So he uses Doc Doom's time machine to go back and find out. So he can have closure. He sneaks around Central Park incognito until he finds him and his family having a nice, lovely picnic. He watches them for a while with tears in his eyes. But something is wrong. Nobody has shown up to kill Frank's family. There are no mob guys in sight. If something doesn't happen soon, all the criminals Frank has killed to date will come back to life and even more people will die. So what does Frank do? He does the hero thing and kills his own family.

Z: Uh buh what?

P. Didi: This is where Frank's true heroism shines through. He's sacrificing his happiness so all the people those criminals could have killed can lead happy lives. Talk about sacrifice! Talk about pathos! And the best thing is past-Frank is so distraught, he assumes future-Frank is some random mob guy. Which is why he wages war on the mob. So it all fits.

Z: Wow, that is truly inspired.

P. Didi: Why thank you!

Z: I assume every DC book will have it's own tie-in?

P. Didi: Oh yes. We've got some great stories lined up.

Z: Tell us about some of those.

P. Didi: Well, Flash goes back and stops Reverse Flash from killing his mom so he can kill both parents at once.

Z: Wow.

P. Didi: Wonder Woman goes back to kill Hippolyta and Zeus. Boy, now there's a battle not to miss! Superman, of course, goes back to kill the Kents. Then he goes back again to kill Jor-El and Lara before Krypton blows up, but after he's launched towards Earth. Imagine the pathos of Superman killing his parents to become a better hero while his home planet falls apart around him!

Z: Or you could have had Superman blow up Krypton in the first place.

P. Didi: Dang, didn't think of that. And it's already in the can, too. Oh well. I'll have the creative team redo it.

Z: Isn't it due to come out in a month?

P. Didi: It better, or else!

Z: I'm sure they won't have any problems.

P. Didi: I know I don't!

Upon the conclusion of this non-interview, P. Didi shrank with a Pac Man-like wark-wark and popped out of existence.


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About the Author - Zenguru

Zenguru has been an Outhouser since the days it was blue. He's the Rick Jones of The Outhouse. Not always in the mansion, but always around in a pinch. Just don't pinch too hard, okay? He's written a few articles, notably $k!d M@rks, and has published several books of poetry. Lately, he's been writing poems and fiction about diners. He's been reading comics since the mid-70's. He dreams of one day traveling between dimensions to be Jonah Hex's sidekick.

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