Hello everyone, it’s Tuesday! That means it is time to fangirl it up over everyone’s favourite co-dependent adult brothers! The Resident and Dr. Improbable solemnly swear to try to keep the obsession-speak to a minimum and deliver your Supernatural review concisely and coherently.
Dean still has Crowley bound in the trunk of the Impala, because who doesn’t love bondage? (You know Crowley’s into that shit…) For want of a better idea, the Winchesters return to their Batcave to interrogate Crowley. Kevin Tran (he was in Advanced Placement) has been hanging around there since The Fall, poor kid. They keep forgetting about him. Seriously, this is like the third time they have left him somewhere and forgotten to check in. The AP-student-turned-Prophet has gone even further off the deep end (he’s digging a hole in the Mariana Trench at this point) since the expulsion of angels triggered the bunker lockdown.
But don’t worry; Dean and his magic Winchester blood maybe-possibly unlocked the bunker when he returned. Because security in the Batcave works via magiscience. Kevin is of the opinion that there needs to be more stabbing of Crowley, which is understandable. Dean is of the opinion that Kevin should mind his business and stay away from Crowley's smarmy British charm. Dude only killed the fiercest Tiger Mommy ever, I’m sure Dean would have the same reaction when faced with the dick who killed his mom. Oh he didn’t? Shocker.
Meanwhile, Abbadon is resurrected and awakened by one of the many demon minions on Earth. She calls them together to incite an uprising with some fiery rhetoric about listening to a true warrior instead of a glorified salesman. While she is effective as a war-mongerer, this isn't exactly a fiscally responsible move for Hell. Demons don't give a shit about margins, though, and they agree to shed their crappy old grandma meatsuits. Their goal: do as much damage to the human population as possible.
They do so by getting onto a municipal transit bus and possessing some military men. Anyone who has ever been on a public transportation bus will know that a demon could easily take someone over and no one would blink an eye. The Ventra system is proof of that.
Sam and Dean check out the scene post-demonisation and are stopped by Standard No-Nonsense Lady #3 in army gear. She demands to speak to their supervisor to find out why the FBI is on a military case. Dean routes her to Kevin (I guess DJ Qualls was busy), who does a pretty dismal job pretending to be a fed. The kid knows his strengths, however, and instead blackmails Standard No-Nonsense Lady with some compromising internet pictures. Kevin: representing the great abilities of our generation one Facebook search at a time.
Abbadon’s minions are wreaking havoc elsewhere at this point. The scene starts off as a set-up for an exceptionally terrible van porn movie, changes into a girl killing a smarmy vampire, and ends with one of the soldier-demons kidnapping the unknown SEXY hunter. Did you see how sexy she is, guys? Her tits are barely in that shirt! And so much midriff is showing! Counting the demon-possessed grandma, she brings the total of women with speaking parts in this episode to FOUR. Is that a record, Supernatural writers?!
Abbadon calls one of Dean’s many phones, which Kevin answers. She relays some co-ordinates giving him the location of the hunters she’s kidnapped. He relays this to the Winchesters (who of course jump at the chance to rescue someone) and then deals with the elephant in the room- Crowley. Of course, this is falling right into Crowley’s web of mind games. He tries to play on Kevin’s fears of dying and of being nothing to the Winchesters. This fails, so Crowley offers the best card he has: Mrs. Tran might still be alive.
The Res had to back up a minute and remember if these hunters are, um, important beyond servicing the plot. Early in the episode it was established that one of them, the older man, was a friend of Bobby’s. So, like, sure, save him. But Tits McGee? Res gets that the Winchesters save as many people as they can, but falling into this trap is as stupid as it is arrogant. Dean even says on the way to save the hunters that they have no plan. Um, guys, you’re supposed to be saving the world. Somehow. Right? This is getting complicated.
The Doc would like to counter that we all know the writers have to spend the early parts of every season a) editing out things they set up last season but don’t want to deal with b) filling in gaps and c) reminding the painfully slow watchers about relationships and why they’re like, important, man. Even though I maintain that the acting on this show is not horrible, apparently we still have to tell instead of show, since some people aren’t great at subtext.
Sam and Dean rescue Tracy (sexy van porn star) and Irv (friend of Bobby) from the abandoned Fall-Out movie set near Eugene, OR. Though grateful for the rescue, Tracy snaps at Sam because her family died when he let Lucifer out of the cage (like five seasons ago). Her immediate distrust of him is obviously setting up some weird chemistry between them because why not?
The hunters attack the demons and/or vice versa. You know how these things go. Irv gets shot because obviously he’s disposable. Dean tries to fight off Abbadon outside the abandoned cafe with an angel blade, while Sam dukes it out with a few demons and his trusty demon blade inside said cafe. (Dean with the angel blade and Sam with the demon blade… so deep, so metaphysic, very symbols much wow.) Abbadon wants Crowley for her own purposes. In a further bout of sexual tension she tells Dean she’d love to wear his body, which is somehow simultaneously more and less creepy than Silence of the Lambs. (Aside: is a female demon wearing a male meatsuit crossdressing?)
Sam gets knocked out inside, activating Ezekiel, who ices all the demons. Dean and Zeke (Dean ain’t got time for multi-syllabic names) have a conversation to remind all the slow people out there that it’s Very Important that Sam doesn’t know Zeke is inside of him for fear of PREMATURE EJECTULATION. (You just had to use that, didn’t you Res?) We can tell the difference between normal Sam and Zeke Sam by their use of contractions. When Sam comes to, Dean says that he was the one who ganked the demons, and Sam is understandably impressed with his skillz. They meet up with Tracy who is immediately no longer a bitch to Sam, and ride off into the sunset.
Kevin is all set to go find his mom, who Crowley claims is still alive. Dean stops him from this with a heartfelt (and probably mostly sincere and non-manipulative) speech about how Kevin is family and he should stay with the boys so they can be safe together. Aww, Kevin Tran, he’s in Advanced Placement… in the Winchester’s hearts!
On a roll with the dispensing of the feels, Dean listens to Sam monologue about how happy he is. Not sarcastically, either – he feels like they finally have a family and a purpose. (And probably because there’s an angel fixing him from the inside out.) Cue the dramatic music, because once more one Winchester is keeping a secret from his brother.
Next Tuesday: Cas brushes his teeth! All by himself! Will he swallow the toothpaste and call poison control? Stay tuned!